Hi everyone. Today was a great,tough, and painful day. I hope you don't mind a long blog. This is a warning just incase you want to skip this one. First of all, I love reading your responses. Y'all incredible women who commented on Glady's hair, I love you. She still won't believe you, but I will mention you by name. She had a hard time deciding whether to put this picture up on the blog. I'm sure she's going to kill me after she reads this, but she really wanted me to make sure I fixed "the hair". This is her first time sitting down. Did I tell you this was a painful day. They took out her morphine. No more happy dreams. Now the nightmare begins...and today it really did. Her pain level was around a 6 when she felt good. It was almost up to a 10 when getting in and out of bed. And since the catheter also was taken out today, she had to move a lot, if you know what I mean. What even made it worse that they started her on pain pills and the pills gave her a stomach ache. I can't imagine what a stomach ache feels like on a stomach that just had surgery, but just the thought....oowww! Like the brave soul that she is though, she just wanted to do everything she can to get out of the hospital as soon as possible. That included breathing into a breathing machine to get her lungs going, it also included trying to get up and sit up for as long as possible, and she did that too. It was painful to watch, and I'm sure it was a whole lot more painful for her. I saw a part of the reconstructed breast today. The doctor took part of the dressing out so he could look to see if the skin is healing and the transplant is taking. He was happy to see that the skin is pink and warm to touch. Yeah, I'll admit it, I guess I was too...=), whatever that sign means. Anyway, she wanted to show Faith the pink sox she got from her. She loves it. It's the first thing she told me to put on as soon as the surgery was done. She's had it for 2 days now. She told me the green one goes on tomorrow. Something great happened to us today. I did say this was going to be a long blog, right? It happened right before I had to leave since they ask all visitors to leave between 3 and 4 because of shift changes. Usually I wouldn't leave, but I'm married to someone who actually thinks hospital policy is important...so if they don't kick me out, I know she will and she did. Anyway, just before then because today she ate her first meals, she just had to do what comes naturally when you eat your meals and drink your fluids, and she really had a hard time with this one because she was groggy and in a lot of pain. Our nurse is really a nice motherly type, but you know...I think she's old and just needs to retire if you know what I mean... Anyway, she helps her do her stuff and being the kind husband that I was, I watched and I think said one or two encouraging words...and then she left because, you know, nurses are just too busy to stay around for things like this. Anyway, after a while, now Glady had to go back to bed, so being the helpful husband, I pressed the button to bring the nurse back. To my horror, a male nurse shows up. I have nothing against male nurses, this guy was a lot younger and much stronger than the old, close to retirement, nice motherly type nurse, but at that moment, I would have given my left kidney and half my liver to have the older one come back. Ladies, can you back me up on this...the last person you want to see after you've just ... you know... is a male nurse. Well, as a husband, we don't feel that good about it either. Now this next few events must have taken 1 minute at the most to take place, but for me it felt like a whole afternoon. As soon as this dude comes in, and he even looks like a filipino, but I was in way too much stress to ask...anyway, sorry, my A.D.D. kicked in again...As soon as he came in I had to ask where the other nurse was, was she on break? In a very nice professional voice, he explains that he's really sorry, but the other nurse had to go to a meeting. I almost asked him to, you know, take her out of the meeting, but something stopped me. By now, Glady is trying desperately to get up by herself. Nothing like a male nurse to take the grogginess away and just give you the will to endure all pain. I somehow decided I was not going to just watch and I definitely lost all my vocabulary for encouragement. I now became the nurse, which for some of you who know me too well know that now my wife is in trouble. What happens next is pretty fuzzy since my blood pressure now entitled me to be a patient in ICU, and my mind is going in so many directions it would take a whole book to even describe it. I'm almost positive our friendly male nurse could feel the tension in the room, but like a professional he handles the situation. Glady stood up so fast, she is now in excruciating pain and got even more dizzy, she probably didn't know where she was. Now she had two men trying to help her into bed, one was calm and knew exactly what to do, the other one was asking questions like, where do you want me to hold you? She just stands there for what seems like eternity, not saying a word. I, on the other hand was saying way too much. I faintly hear, I've got it sir...and just surrender to it. I so badly just wanted to carry her and put her into bed. I mean she was just 2 steps away from it. But I can see the headlines now, "Pastor kills wife while carrying her to bed." I've felt so helpless in so many instances these past few months, but that time somehow really got to me. I left shortly after that and me and God was just having this real intense conversation on the way to the car. If any of you know Loyola, it literally took me 15 minutes to get to my car. It wasn't a conversation really, it was more like a monologue about me telling God that I can't seem to take this anymore. I know...it's silly, but that male nurse event really got to me. I would try to explain it, but I think I sound way too weird as it is. Anyway, I started telling God that I really want to take care of Glady, but I don't know how. I feel so helpless since I'm trying to balance, work, life, and cancer all at once and I'm just not equipped to do it. When ever I'm home or trying to do something that needs to get done, all I could think about is Glady in the hospital, and yet when I'm in the hospital, I really don't know what to do, except maybe to say hi to her and tell her she looks great...and you know, fix her hair....I wanted so badly to tell the male nurse, "I'm sorry, I pressed the button by mistake, please just go help the other patients that really need help, I got this one." But I had so much fear, I couldn't say that with a straight face, and I really wanted to. So here I was just telling God all of this, and I got into my car to go to do an errand, and as soon as I got in, I heard God's still, small, sweet voice just speak to my soul, "Frendell, all the concern and thoughts you have for Glady is nothing compared to my thoughts and concern about you. You and her have never left my mind or my care. The difference is, I can do something about it. Sometimes I'll send an old nurse, and sometimes a male nurse, either one would do a much better job than you. Son, you just need to learn to let me take care of things. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just watch and just thank me." By now, I'm just bawling all the way to my errand. All I could really say was, I'm sorry...It was an incredible comfort to know God is taking care of everything. That whole afternoon, and till now, I was so pumped up. All I could think of was God's "sermon" to me that day. I began to think how awful it would be if every time I got to the hospital, I would basically tell the doctors and nurses how I would want them to take care of Glady and that they should all do that since I'm paying them. How crazy would it be if just before I left I would again ask them to pleeaaase take care of my wife and give them a list of things to do, and just leave. And yet, I realized that is exactly how I pray sometimes. During these last few years, I'm embarassed to mention the many times I basically told God, God you have to do this, I want you to please give me this, and I need this that and the other thing, and pleaasse for the love of God, give me this because I really need it. Today I realized I was giving my God instructions on things I couldn't possibly have a clue about and then blaming him when He didn't do it my way. I know...it's embarassing for a pastor to even admit this..., but sometimes I treat God like I treat the male nurse. I didn't really say anything bad to him, but all my actions told him that I don't trust him and I know better than him. Tonight I prayed with my wife before I left. And I'm sure my prayer before had things like dear God, please be with the doctors, and please heal her, and please keep her safe, blah, blah, blah....I'm sure there is absolutely nothing wrong with that prayer, and it's one that God still loves to hear. But after my lesson today, I'm sure I'll spend the rest of my life giving God instructions. It took me at least 30 seconds to even start. For me, how do I even start asking a God who already knows much better what to give. All I could say was, thank you God, praise you for having everything under control. I'll just watch, learn, and praise you. And when you ask me to help, just because you want us to do something together, help me not to tell you how to do things. Like I said, it was a tough, painful, and yet and incredible great day. Again, sorry it was so long, but I can only hope you enjoyed reading it even at a small portion of the joy I experienced writing it. For me, God's greatest blessing was a lesson from a 'M'urse' (for y'all Friends Fans.) God Bless US All!!!
Hi everyone. Today was a great,tough, and painful day. I hope you don't mind a long blog. This is a warning just incase you want to skip this one. First of all, I love reading your responses. Y'all incredible women who commented on Glady's hair, I love you. She still won't believe you, but I will mention you by name. She had a hard time deciding whether to put this picture up on the blog. I'm sure she's going to kill me after she reads this, but she really wanted me to make sure I fixed "the hair". This is her first time sitting down. Did I tell you this was a painful day. They took out her morphine. No more happy dreams. Now the nightmare begins...and today it really did. Her pain level was around a 6 when she felt good. It was almost up to a 10 when getting in and out of bed. And since the catheter also was taken out today, she had to move a lot, if you know what I mean. What even made it worse that they started her on pain pills and the pills gave her a stomach ache. I can't imagine what a stomach ache feels like on a stomach that just had surgery, but just the thought....oowww! Like the brave soul that she is though, she just wanted to do everything she can to get out of the hospital as soon as possible. That included breathing into a breathing machine to get her lungs going, it also included trying to get up and sit up for as long as possible, and she did that too. It was painful to watch, and I'm sure it was a whole lot more painful for her. I saw a part of the reconstructed breast today. The doctor took part of the dressing out so he could look to see if the skin is healing and the transplant is taking. He was happy to see that the skin is pink and warm to touch. Yeah, I'll admit it, I guess I was too...=), whatever that sign means. Anyway, she wanted to show Faith the pink sox she got from her. She loves it. It's the first thing she told me to put on as soon as the surgery was done. She's had it for 2 days now. She told me the green one goes on tomorrow. Something great happened to us today. I did say this was going to be a long blog, right? It happened right before I had to leave since they ask all visitors to leave between 3 and 4 because of shift changes. Usually I wouldn't leave, but I'm married to someone who actually thinks hospital policy is important...so if they don't kick me out, I know she will and she did. Anyway, just before then because today she ate her first meals, she just had to do what comes naturally when you eat your meals and drink your fluids, and she really had a hard time with this one because she was groggy and in a lot of pain. Our nurse is really a nice motherly type, but you know...I think she's old and just needs to retire if you know what I mean... Anyway, she helps her do her stuff and being the kind husband that I was, I watched and I think said one or two encouraging words...and then she left because, you know, nurses are just too busy to stay around for things like this. Anyway, after a while, now Glady had to go back to bed, so being the helpful husband, I pressed the button to bring the nurse back. To my horror, a male nurse shows up. I have nothing against male nurses, this guy was a lot younger and much stronger than the old, close to retirement, nice motherly type nurse, but at that moment, I would have given my left kidney and half my liver to have the older one come back. Ladies, can you back me up on this...the last person you want to see after you've just ... you know... is a male nurse. Well, as a husband, we don't feel that good about it either. Now this next few events must have taken 1 minute at the most to take place, but for me it felt like a whole afternoon. As soon as this dude comes in, and he even looks like a filipino, but I was in way too much stress to ask...anyway, sorry, my A.D.D. kicked in again...As soon as he came in I had to ask where the other nurse was, was she on break? In a very nice professional voice, he explains that he's really sorry, but the other nurse had to go to a meeting. I almost asked him to, you know, take her out of the meeting, but something stopped me. By now, Glady is trying desperately to get up by herself. Nothing like a male nurse to take the grogginess away and just give you the will to endure all pain. I somehow decided I was not going to just watch and I definitely lost all my vocabulary for encouragement. I now became the nurse, which for some of you who know me too well know that now my wife is in trouble. What happens next is pretty fuzzy since my blood pressure now entitled me to be a patient in ICU, and my mind is going in so many directions it would take a whole book to even describe it. I'm almost positive our friendly male nurse could feel the tension in the room, but like a professional he handles the situation. Glady stood up so fast, she is now in excruciating pain and got even more dizzy, she probably didn't know where she was. Now she had two men trying to help her into bed, one was calm and knew exactly what to do, the other one was asking questions like, where do you want me to hold you? She just stands there for what seems like eternity, not saying a word. I, on the other hand was saying way too much. I faintly hear, I've got it sir...and just surrender to it. I so badly just wanted to carry her and put her into bed. I mean she was just 2 steps away from it. But I can see the headlines now, "Pastor kills wife while carrying her to bed." I've felt so helpless in so many instances these past few months, but that time somehow really got to me. I left shortly after that and me and God was just having this real intense conversation on the way to the car. If any of you know Loyola, it literally took me 15 minutes to get to my car. It wasn't a conversation really, it was more like a monologue about me telling God that I can't seem to take this anymore. I know...it's silly, but that male nurse event really got to me. I would try to explain it, but I think I sound way too weird as it is. Anyway, I started telling God that I really want to take care of Glady, but I don't know how. I feel so helpless since I'm trying to balance, work, life, and cancer all at once and I'm just not equipped to do it. When ever I'm home or trying to do something that needs to get done, all I could think about is Glady in the hospital, and yet when I'm in the hospital, I really don't know what to do, except maybe to say hi to her and tell her she looks great...and you know, fix her hair....I wanted so badly to tell the male nurse, "I'm sorry, I pressed the button by mistake, please just go help the other patients that really need help, I got this one." But I had so much fear, I couldn't say that with a straight face, and I really wanted to. So here I was just telling God all of this, and I got into my car to go to do an errand, and as soon as I got in, I heard God's still, small, sweet voice just speak to my soul, "Frendell, all the concern and thoughts you have for Glady is nothing compared to my thoughts and concern about you. You and her have never left my mind or my care. The difference is, I can do something about it. Sometimes I'll send an old nurse, and sometimes a male nurse, either one would do a much better job than you. Son, you just need to learn to let me take care of things. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just watch and just thank me." By now, I'm just bawling all the way to my errand. All I could really say was, I'm sorry...It was an incredible comfort to know God is taking care of everything. That whole afternoon, and till now, I was so pumped up. All I could think of was God's "sermon" to me that day. I began to think how awful it would be if every time I got to the hospital, I would basically tell the doctors and nurses how I would want them to take care of Glady and that they should all do that since I'm paying them. How crazy would it be if just before I left I would again ask them to pleeaaase take care of my wife and give them a list of things to do, and just leave. And yet, I realized that is exactly how I pray sometimes. During these last few years, I'm embarassed to mention the many times I basically told God, God you have to do this, I want you to please give me this, and I need this that and the other thing, and pleaasse for the love of God, give me this because I really need it. Today I realized I was giving my God instructions on things I couldn't possibly have a clue about and then blaming him when He didn't do it my way. I know...it's embarassing for a pastor to even admit this..., but sometimes I treat God like I treat the male nurse. I didn't really say anything bad to him, but all my actions told him that I don't trust him and I know better than him. Tonight I prayed with my wife before I left. And I'm sure my prayer before had things like dear God, please be with the doctors, and please heal her, and please keep her safe, blah, blah, blah....I'm sure there is absolutely nothing wrong with that prayer, and it's one that God still loves to hear. But after my lesson today, I'm sure I'll spend the rest of my life giving God instructions. It took me at least 30 seconds to even start. For me, how do I even start asking a God who already knows much better what to give. All I could say was, thank you God, praise you for having everything under control. I'll just watch, learn, and praise you. And when you ask me to help, just because you want us to do something together, help me not to tell you how to do things. Like I said, it was a tough, painful, and yet and incredible great day. Again, sorry it was so long, but I can only hope you enjoyed reading it even at a small portion of the joy I experienced writing it. For me, God's greatest blessing was a lesson from a 'M'urse' (for y'all Friends Fans.) God Bless US All!!!
Whew! You weren't kidding when you said "long"!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading every word of this entry. It reminds me of me. It's reminds me of the families we see in clinic. It reminds me of being....well....human.
God gives us lessons to learn in many situations. The situations he chooses are the toughest ones, dog gone it! The situations where there is instant change, panic, uncertainty. Then at the end of the day (or many days), it somehow sorts out and becomes a little bit clearer.
Don't be embarrassed by the lessons you've learned. I've made a fool of myself a million times over. And sometimes made the same mistakes. And then finally learn my lesson at the end. You've heard it before.....mistakes and lessons build character. We are all growing (I seem to be growing a lot slower than others....).
Frendell, just like you've told yourself, just like God told you, let Him take care of this. You part will come in soon enough. It's the 2nd day. After a few more days, the doctor will be teaching you things to look out for, to monitor. THe nurses will teach you skin care. The physical therapists will show you how to help her move, how to do those exercises. Prepare to be overwhelmed. But also be prepared to know that being overwhelmed is all part of the process. Please understand, I am learning every day just like you. We are probably sitting next to each other in the Breast Cancer 101 class. Just like you, I want to learn as much as I can to help any way I can. I don't know everything. But we will learn as we go. Step by step you, family, and all your friends will help Glady get through this. We don't have to know everything now. But we can learn as we go....
I have a suggestion that might help. You've probably already thought of this. I'm a notebook girl. Always bringing a notebook to work, to a meeting, to church, to the pediactrician's office (I have two notebooks for that one), and I'll probably have a notebook for today's procedure (I'm such a nerd!). Maybe you could get one with several tabs in it. You can separate notebook into several sections with the tabs. Label each tab whatever you want to label it with depending on Glady's needs, even your needs. Of course the notebook is not the answer to take away the feeling of being overwhelmed, but maybe it can help sort out, organize your thoughts, the teachings you receive from others, etc. Try it and see. It might help.
I can pick up a notebook for you if you'd like? Let me know! And if you find a better way to help you, share the knowledge, share the wealth!!! I'd love to hear it!
As for this Murse. It's ok to feel the way you did. No issues there! :)
And as for Glady's hair. It's STILL spectacular! Tell her that I will need her hairdresser's number....hee hee!!! Please also tell her that her covered feet never looked so good!! hahahaha!!!!
Love you and Glady bunches and bunches!
Faith
PS: Now I'm looking at my entry. I shouldn't have called yours "long".
Glad, you look grrreat for a 2nd post-op day. I love the way you're sitted on that comfortable chair{forgot the hospital name for that}, love your thick,shinny and lovely hair,love your socks. Just love you for the Glady i know.
ReplyDeleteFrendell,I was crackin-up as i read your comment for the day. I enjoyed reading every bit of it. Indeed,God has a sense of humor.He sent an old woman nurse and a young male nurse to draw lessons from them. I just could'nt stop laughing. God is good.He is with us in every journey of our life.Take care. Hug and kisses for both of you!
now we all know how frendell's path to becoming a "Murse" begins! glady is the luckiest woman in the world to have a husband who actually has a desire to want to be her "murse" in all situations.
ReplyDeletehonestly, I read every word of it cause i myself go on for long tangents like this per post. every word resonated within me and i could totally relate to you. thanks frendell and glady for letting me walk back in your life with open arms. i love you guys : )
Dearest Glady and Frendell,
ReplyDeleteI only learned about your "Journey of Hope" this morning when I read a brief blurb about it in the Illinois Conference [email] Update -- and I am stunned. As I slowly process what the past weeks and months must have been like for you, my heart is filled with emotions that I cannot adequately express.
For now, let me just say that I thank God for the wonderful testimony of "real" love that the two of you have shown me and countless others. Your journey will continue to be filled with the unknown and unanticipated challenges of life on planet Earth(as will everyones), but the beauty of the trip is the many scenes of God's loving handiwork along the way. Guard and treasure those scenes of love -- and please continue to share them with the rest of us.
With great love and concern.
Verna