Disconnected

It's been awhile since I've posted here. It's the Christmas season and yet I feel so disconnected from everything. So many things have happened since the last time I posted. On Dec 4th, Auntie Presidia Sagrado went home to be with the Lord. She was Mom to our good friends Presa, Amabel, Heidy, Alden, Ligaya, Noel and Joneth. In a way, it happened so suddenly but in the end we were all glad that she died peacefully, as if she just went to sleep. We watched some of the most tender last moments of Auntie's and Uncle Sal's lives... he was so comforting and loving to her until the very end. We grieve with our friends for her loss.. this has been a very difficult year, as we have had so many funerals this year. All of them have affected us in different ways and yet the end result is the same... we will miss someone we love and care for and life will be just a little bit different now because we feel the loss.

I just can't rouse myself to feel the Christmas spirit. I've been searching for the Christmas CDs and I still can't find them... at this rate, it'll be 4th of July by the time I find them. Maybe we'll have to have a Christmas in July celebration instead. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. Frendell asked me if I wanted to put up the tree. Initially, i wanted to... was even excited about it. But when I thought of the emotional energy and physical energy it would take to do it, I opted not to. So, he found some little Christmas decor that we've put around the house and that's the extent of our holiday spirit. Mom & Dad arrived last Monday, so that has helped us get more excited as the holiday is approaching. Looking forward to having Winnchee and Bryan come on Christmas day. I continue to have difficulty with sleeping, although when i use the blue light for therapy, it does make me sleepier earlier at night. I am hoping that my circadian rhythm will be closer to normal soon.

Tonight we will go to church for Christmas service. I know that 'my feelings' are tangential and not always reliable. So even though I feel disconnected with Christmas, I cannot help but feel thankful that Jesus would come down to save me. The children's department at Chicago Fi-am did a wonderful program last Sabbath about "The Best Christmas Present Ever". And they sung and talked about a Baby who came down from heaven so that He could offer the world salvation. It is indeed the best Christmas present ever. This gives me so much hope and I am thankful that He loves me enough to come to earth for me. I am so thankful and grateful for my family, who never ceases to share their love and affection and care, whether or not I express my love and affection and care on a consistent basis. I am so blessed to have such caring and thoughtful friends, who continue to show their love in so many different ways... whether by taking me to lunch, calling or emailing me, sending me a card, giving me baked goods that they made, inviting me to their house to hang out and relax while I wait for Frendell to finish with his meetings, inviting me to the museum... so many acts of kindness and love. I am grateful for our church families, who continue to show their support and love in so many different ways... from praying for us all the way to giving us gifts and food, I have so many blessings to be thankful for. God continues to show His love in so many ways, often tangible. Treatments continue and so do the side effects... but praise the Lord for He helps me through them.... and that is one Christmas gift I am thankful for....

Windows of Hope Project

Today, Michelle R. and I packed 4 boxes to send to the Philippines... boxes full of Bibles, clothes, towels, some toys and some school supplies. I am so grateful that she took the time to help me as I am still in pain and have been trying to pack box by box. It has been taking a very long time. Gave me time to reminisce our time last year when we were there for a mission trip. The things we take for granted here could help so many there. I am so glad we are able to help there where we can... and I am so thankful for our family and friends who helped with this project. Windows of Hope is the name of our project of sending much needed to supplies to the Philippines. I am very tired and very sore but I am so glad we got it done and now it can be sent on its way.

Yesterday I went to the cancer center for my treatment. The place was beautifully decorated with Christmas trees and holly and white lights. In the main lobby, they had the tree that was in Cardinal Bernardine's home when he was still alive and living here in Chicago. His estate lends it every Christmas to the cancer center that was named for him. There were more kids in my clinic yesterday as well. It touches my heart how brave these kids are. So many of them had lost their hair due to chemotherapy. It was neat to see parents trying to hard to make life normal for these kids. One family of 3 had their backpacks with their school work and books to read while their brother was getting treatment. A teacher was there for an hour as well. They're all staying at the Ronald McDonald house during this time. We are so fortunate that we have these kinds of services here. One kid was playing by the tree and the Mom made a comment that she was glad they had trees up, as her son has been asking for one and she hasn't had the energy to put one up. I felt the same way... as much as I want to put up a tree, I know I do not have the energy to put into it. Besides, I think we donated our tree away last year. Frendell did find our creche and some little decorations and we put those around the house and that will be our Christmas decor for this year. A part of me was sad that I don't have the energy to do all the things I used to do for Christmas.. I miss that... and yet a part of me is glad that I can focus more on the more important things.... like contemplating on God's greatest gift for us.

We are having snow flurries as I write this... winter is here and the Christmas spirit is in the air... so many things to be thankful for, so many blessings to count. May you feel the joy of the season...