Circulator

After I talked to several people this morning, I decided that I should go out and explore the neighborhood. On Saturday, Bryan had given me a tour while we were in the car and both he and Winnchee pointed out to me where I could catch the "Circulator". The circulator is a free trolley that goes around downtown Bethesda and takes you to most of the points of interest of this city. It is pretty cool... coz I just have to cross the street and I can ride one from there. I wanted to find the Metro station so I can take it to DC one of these days. I found it and checked it out. From there, I rode on the circulator and got off @ Barnes and Noble. I walked around the different shops and passed by lots and lots of restaurants. Then I rode again and got off at another stop. After exploring the bit, I looked @ books at the bookstore because i passed the library and didn't know it until we were passing by. On my next trip on the circulator, I will be sure to stop by the library. It was fun to discover different nooks and cranny... and I was proud of myself for not getting lost. I think I walked too much today... my foot is hurting but I'm glad I went on the circulator :-) Didn't nap, so I'm exhausted. Hopefully sleep will come soon. Good night... and next time, I may just take the circulator all the way around.

On an interesting note, I was talking to Eun this morning and she said that she knew one of the drivers of the circulator because he attends the same church she goes to. I said, 'that's cool'. So I told Winnchee this and she said, 'Oh yeah, I know him too.' Anyways after dinner, we decided we were gonna go and get some yogurt from sweet green. So we waited @ the Circulator stop... and guess who was driving? Yup... their friend. We got off our stop, ate some yogurt, picked up some things @ the grocery store and waited for the next one. It wasnt' him this time, but then, the drivers switched and lo and behold, he was driving us again. It was too funny. He's a very nice guy and I hope I'll recognize him next time, if I get him again when I ride the circulator :-) It's a very small world after all...

Weary Traveler

I tried to post this yesterday but I couldn't connect, so I'm gonna try it again this morning and see how it goes. Going through security has been getting more frustrating for me, especially when I'm traveling alone. I am slower at getting my things out of my bag and organizing them in the bins. Fortunately last Friday the people behind me were kind enough not to mutter under their breath and the guy behind me told me not to worry about it since he would wait again by the gate anywhere. As I was walking through the gate, the TSA Officer noticed my sleeve and started asking me why I had it on. So I told him it's from complications from surgery. I don't know if he was hard of hearing or what, but he was talking very loud and kept saying "what? what surgery? what? it's from surgery?" I was getting embarrassed and annoyed. He asked me to step into that glass room and asked for a female officer, who sauntered ever so slowly and casually into the room. Then the first officer stood at the other end to block me and kept looking to make sure I wasn't gonna run. As if I could go anywhere... all my things were on the belt right outside. I asked the female officer why they have to 'test' my sleeve and my hands, and she said 'because you have a wrap around it'. Okay, that doesn't explain why. then some guy started to pick up my computer bag and I was telling her that someone was picking up my bag but she did not care and told me to hold my arms out so she could swipe my hands. Fortunately the officer out by the belt saw my gestures and pointed to me and I nodded and she grabbed the bag for me and put it in a bin. When the female officer came back, she opened the door and turned around and walked away. I have been dismissed. Okay, for the sake of national security and my safety, I don't object to being pulled and being 'tested' since my arm is in a sleeve. What I do object to is the way I am treated when they do it. If it was protocol, I would think they would be consistent about it, but this is only the second time I've been asked to be tested and both times @ O'hare. I've flown from other airports and it wasn't done there; even at O'hare they don't always do it when I go through. I was tired, frustrated, my arm was hurting and I started crying by the time i was done and gathering my things together. I'm such a baby and I wished Frendell traveled with me. Then I had to walk all the way to concourse C and found out the plane would be delayed. The flight was a bit bumpy but was fine. I was so happy to see Winnchee @ baggage claim, as I don't think I could've gotten my luggage out of the carousel. I probably would have just stood there and watched it go around and around and around. We stayed up for a bit talking and Bryan making us laugh before we finally went to bed. I was exhausted and after talking to Mahal briefly, I went to sleep.

Yesterday, I had the biggest surprise when after church, this lady was walking towards where Winnchee and I were sitting. I thought it was one of her friends coming over to say hi. This lady looked familiar and she was one of the people who led out during praise time. She walked right past Che and was looking at me and said, "Ate Glady?" I was like, "Yes?" "Do you remember me? It's Elaine!". Oh my goodness!!!! I cannot believe that after 20 years, I would see Elaine here in DC, of all places. We had known each other when we both lived and went to school at La Sierra. It was great to see her again and meet her husband and her daughter. It's a small world after all... Wow!! We talked for a few minutes before they had to leave and we also set out for lunch, as Che and Bryan have been invited by their old neighbor for lunch. So we went there and lo and behold, I saw my cousins at the lunch. Ate Mercy and Kuya Rolly were friends of the lady hosting the lunch. And I met alot of other people as well, some I knew, some I had heard of. After lunch, we went home and I was able to nap for 2 hours... I was ever so grateful for that nap, for inspite of the fun I was having, I was tired and weary and needed to rest. Che and Bryan live in a great location... so close to neighborhood restaurants and bookstores and clubs... Later on, we went to dinner at an Italian restaurant and the food was excellent. I had linguini with mushrooms and peas.... yummmmy..... When we got back home, Bryan was showing me some game shows from Korea and it was so funny that we were laughing again. I told him to teach his Kuya how to play these games. It was a good day, albeit long and busy, inspite of the nap. This morning I am a bit tired but am looking forward to all our adventures :-) Traveler, yes... weary, not too much any longer.

Wedding

So we flew out to Glendale last Saturday for Aimee & Dan's wedding. It was a very stressful travel day for me. First of all, I forgot my cell phone at home and left my laptop, so i had no access to people. Then we had this brilliant idea to take the train to the airport and thought we could make it to our flight on time. We didn't. We had to be re-routed to LAX instead of Burbank and be on standby the whole time. We had a stop-over in St. Louis. Fortunately they were able to get us on board. In St. Louis, I tried to wait for Frendell to board. They were paging and paging him, but still no Frendell. I was the only one outside.. finally, I asked the lady to check if he was already inside. He was... settled and buckled in. They needed to change our seats because a family needed window seats as their children were in car seats. So, they tried to move us to an exit row, but then changed it again when they realized I couldn't help 'in case of emergency' due to my arm. What a mess... anyways, we ended up sitting on the exit row... and we got to LAX and Ats & Ross picked us up; thank goodness!! But then, we had to go to Burbank to pick up our rental car and got there and it was too late to pick it up!! Aaarrrggghhhh!!!! Finally got to Dean & Celly's house around midnight. Glad we were able to stay up and chat with them for awhile... i went to sleep @ 2 a.m., was too exhausted to keep awake anymore.

We were able to have breakfast with Frank, Candy and the kids, Winnchee & Bryan, Ats, Ross & Lauren and Dean & Celly so early that Sunday morning before the wedding. We were a merry party and I'm glad we were able to see each other before we all had to go our separate ways to get ready for the wedding and Frank and family headed down to San Diego. The wedding was lovely and started promptly on the dot... not one moment past 3 p.m. Nikki did an awesome job of coordinating the wedding. Frendell's homily was short and succinct and of course, the music was beautiful. We saw alot of our family and friends and acquaintances that we haven't seen in over 10 years. It was nice to be able to see everyone again. The reception was held at a Chinese restaurant.. and they had so much food. I think they may have had 8 - 10 courses. It seemed like the food kept coming even when some people were leaving already. A happy time was to be had by all :-) Again a late night for us, but we couldn't keep talking to Celly & Dean coz they had to work the next day.

Monday, we got to hang out with Frank, Candy and the kids @ Sea World. I put sunscreen on my face but forgot my arms, so my arms are really dark and almost sunburned. Not a good thing :-( Christian and Kori really enjoyed watching the Shamu show and the Pets show... the dolphin show was okay. It's been so long since we have been to Sea World, and it was nice to see it again. We were tired at the end of the day, though and tried to go to sleep early. Didn't work... I don't sleep well to begin with, it's harder in a strange bed.

Tuesday, we had lunch with Ate Lily and Kuya Pat before Frank and family headed home. After lunch, Frendell & I went to Glendale Forest Lawn to visit my Dad's grave. We stayed there for a bit and just marveled at the changes even within the park. Its a beautiful and tranquil place..... we saw some of the churches there as well. After that, he took me to the hills somewhere where he proposed 18 years ago. Can't believe he would still remember where it was... I was completely lost :-( Sometimes his memory amazes me... other times, it baffles me :-)

that night, we were able to visit with Rommelyn & Imee, my childhood friends. It was so nice to see them both again and we were able to talk and catch up with each other. When we took Rommel home, we kinda got lost in LA and didn't get back to our hotel until like 2 a.m. At least we made it to our flight on time the next day but ended up having to look for food @ the airport. Burbank airport does not have very many good choices, unfortunately. We got to Dallas and found out that our flight to Chicago was delayed for over an hour due to storms here. So, we boarded the plane and had to sit in the tarmac until we were cleared for take-off. Thank you to Chris who was kind enough to pick us up from the airport so late in the evening... I think it would've been hard to take the train home that late and it was also raining a little.

So, after that, I ended up with a cold again... Frendell went camping with our church family from Morton Grove, so this past week-end, i just stayed home and tried to recover from this trip. There is a part of me that's frustrated when I have to grieve for my memory loss. I enjoyed seeing everyone, even though it did take out alot from me. Everyone says I look well... and I'm glad they think so.. they don't know that it took alot of effort to be up and ready on time and keep up with the agenda. many times I wish I could just rest but didn't have the time to do so. So, I'm trying to catch up this week before I leave again :-) But before I get to go, of course, I have to see the doctor and also go to PT and get stretched and massaged and all that. One thing I realized.. all the things I anticipated would happen, did not happen to the extreme I thought they would and if it did, it was no big deal. yeay!!! Now if I could just sleep better... oh yeah, I'm supposed to take medicine to help me do that... have a great week!!! BTW, the left heel is getting better, although I have to take more medicine since there is still pain... still no walking for exercise allowed and she asked me if I danced... I told her No, I did not. But don't think I won't... as soon as it heals, watch out :-)

No Dancing :-(

So after 4 weeks of having heel pain, my PT finally told me to go get it checked. So today, I went to the podiatrist. She was very nice and told me after pushing on 2 spots on my heel that I do have plantar fascitis and bursitis. Oh great! And just to be safe and make sure that the heel is healthy, she had my left foot x-rayed. Many times, I really wish I didn't have to go to the doctor so I won't keep finding out about what else is wrong with me. So, x-rays show that I have a heel spur as well. So, the course of action for now is either a cortisone shot or oral medication. I have some soft gel inserts and she recommends some orthotics. I'm not sure if I will get the orthotics, as I found out I don't have insurance coverage for them. What's the cost? $1,300.00 for a pair.

Well, for now, I am suppose to wear gym shoes as often as i can (yes, Ron, I know, I know) and she said absolutely no dancing or running or walking (for exercise) yet. She wants the swelling to go down first and then we'll go from there. I hope the pain will ease up soon so I can resume walking :-) In the meantime, I continue to ice, tape, stretch and wear closed shoes. But watch out, I will be dancing again soon!

Swimming

What a very busy week-end this turned out to be. Friday night Bible studies, Frendell was at Morton Grove, meeting with a friend in the afternoon, then we went to Hinsdale Academy to watch the Fil-am youth do show. Incredibly funny and talented kids and the adults that lead them. We had a great time and it was glad to see so many people from there. I was so happy to see the Revil family; I cannot believe how grownup the kids are!! Juliezeth and Yanni are taller than me already and Johann and Jaebelle are not the babies anymore. They're all so very cute. I hope to be able to spend more time with them in the near future. Time is a-flying by. And 'our' kids during our youth pastoring days @ Fil-am are now adults, tax-paying members of society. I heard Raymond cooked the dinner, helped by Mark and Louie. Amazing :-)

Sunday, our Chicago Fil-am church had our annual picnic-pool party @ Dr. & Mrs. Roda's house. It is so nice and gracious of them to always host this event and we all enjoy spending time with each other. The kids especially had an awesome time, jumping off the diving board. Those who didn't know how to swim were being taught how to swim and put in floating devices. Even the babies were swimming :-) It was lots of fun and the biggest water loss came when the boys: Julius, Nunay, Ron, Chad and Kuya Edgar all jumped in at the same time :-) I tried to coerce Frendell to join in, but he wouldn't budge from the piano. He was jamming with Auntie Eden, Ninong Peter and Uncle Rick.. singing tunes from the oldies. In between the jumping and games, I was able to do some laps across the pool. It was a funny feeling, but I am glad to be able to stretch my arm without gravity. So, i tried to do different strokes while swimming. My arm got tired quite easily and in the end, I couldn't stay in there for more than 3 hours. I was so envious of the kids and Claress, Ron, Faith, Nunay, Chad, Andrew, Justine, Jon, Michelle and Julies who stayed until late afternoon. Wish I could've done it. I underestimated how tired it made me and I ended up taking a cat nap on the couch while everyone was dancing, playing with the Wii and eating around. me. In the end, I ended up with a back-ache as well :-( But, I'm glad I tried swimming. I am definitely taking my swim suit when we go to California... hopefully we can spend some time swimming in the pool or beach :-)

To end our day, we headed to a local restaurant to meet up with our good friends and prayer partners to catch up on life. It was nice to hear what everyone's been doing. And they were all still very tired from their youth production the night before. I was glad to see them, but I was exhausted as well and unfortunately couldn't give good conversation. I hope we'll be able to get together again soon. Its fun to be able to spend time with friends. Thanks for the lovely evening, Mariezel, Presa, Amabel, Heidy and Jack. It was fun spending the evening with all of you :-)

So, it's the start of another week. I have a couple of doctor's appt's this week and therapy and trying to get ready and pack for our California trip. I am not panicking... I will do it in a timely manner :-) I will have a positive attitude even when I'm groggy :-) have a great week everyone!!

A turning point

So, another injection last Wednesday... and I don't know if I'm starting to get used to it or I'm getting numb in that area, but it's the first time that it was not intolerable. It still stung and I still felt it, but I did not yelp as I usually do. Even the nurse was very pleased. I have never liked needles and after all the blood tests, IVs, injections, etc since the cancer, I have been more sensitive to needles and I don't really care much for them. I ended up talking to the oncologist because I had some questions and concerns regarding the other breast. In the end, I decided I will just wait until my scheduled mammogram next month; but I can always call the doctor and asked it to be scheduled sooner if I want to. I've been re-assured there's nothing to worry about, so i will have to trust that all's going well.

Form my birthday, Jerma gave me the book Resilience by Elizabeth Edwards. It is her autobiography. (It has come to my realization that 2 of the 4 books I'm reading concurrently are written by women who have had breast cancer). Anyways, she is a very good writer and has expressed some of the things I have thought of myself. As I was sitting in the cancer center waiting area Clinic E, waiting for my shot, I read some things that gave me courage and insight for my own struggles. It would be best if I just quote her. "I had to accept that the planet had taken a few turns and I could not turn it back. My life was and would always be different. We will each have hardships that are more difficult than we imagined we could ever face. I have cancer. It consumes my life in ways I cannot control...... the longer I clung to the hope that my old life might come back, the more I set myself up for unending discontent. In time, I learned that I was starting a new story. I write these words as if that is the beginning and end of what I did, but it is only a small slice of the middle. Each time I got knocked down, it took me some time to adjust to get to acceptance and in each case, that was only part of the way home". It hit me in a very hard way because I realized that I had been waiting to get the 'old' me back... I was waiting to get my strength, energy, outlook in life... all of it. I thought that one day it will just be magical and come back to me. I had to cry and give myself permission to accept that cancer has changed my life... it doesn't have to be bad, it is just different. And I don't have to stay here, feeling like I have nowhere to go and no purpose to accomplish, because this is just a slice of the middle... my story has not ended yet.

And this just cemented what I told the psychologist 2 weeks ago... " Sometimes we have to give ourselves space to grieve what we have lost: a person, a way of life, a dream. But at some point we have to stand up and say, this is my new life and in this life I need a new job". Wow!! I told Dr. Mumby yesterday that quote gave me alot of freedom. I had been grudgingly giving myself permission to grieve and now I opened the door to grieving and it has been freeing for me. When I first got diagnosed, I told Frendell that I didn't even ask "why me".. I told him that I knew God has a lesson for me to learn. And he was very wise and told me, "Honey, sometimes when you're going through the pain, it is very hard to find the lesson. So, don't push to find it. Just go through what you have to through and you will be able to see the lesson in the end. And the most important thing is, it is alright for you to question and ask 'why me?'". It has taken many months but I think that morning, sitting there at the waiting area in Clinic E, surrounded by other cancer patients, I asked "why me?". And a miracle happened... because I did not feel the self-pity I thought I would. I did not get hit by the torrent of tears that sometimes comes at the most inopportune moments. Instead, I saw courage and determination and "resilience" in the people that sat around me and in myself as well, as we continue to fight this thing called cancer. We were all sitting there waiting for our treatments and to see our doctors: one man in his 40s who smiled at everyone, the 11-yr-old boy who lost one of his legs and still horsed around with his sister, the teen-age girl who was looking at fashion magazines with her girlfriend, the lady next to me who had a scarf to cover her bald head, the older gentleman who sat across from me holding his wife's hand... we were all there in Clinic E... and we all smiled when the nurse called our name and even though I know everyone there is feeling some pain and discomfort, when the nurse asked, "How are you doing today?", everyone answered, "I'm doing well and I'm hanging in there". I know because I was the last one who was called in. I have always been amazed by the tenacity of the human spirit and that morning, I allowed myself to realize that i had the same tenacity in me and I was very happy that I did.

I told Dr. Mumby yesterday that acknowledging that I am a different person has been freeing for me. A new reality, maybe a new life. It's not bad, it's not good, it's just different. And I will give myself time to get to know this new me and give me time to grieve and figure out how to put the pieces together that still fit. She is very pleased with the progress I'm making in my 'distress' and has been very affirming with these new insights I've gained. I told her I am forever grateful that I was given the opportunity to see and experience the outpouring of kindness and care and tenderness from so many people: my husband, our families, our close friends, our church families, our medical team, our acquaintances, sometimes even strangers from the street who inquire about my sleeve. And I am so grateful that I am able to feel gratitude and accept this gift. I have been blessed so abundantly and through this experience I have been changed for good.

Last night, I went out to dinner with Ann and Cheryl to celebrate their birthdays. We missed Carol, Dana and Betty, but hopefully we'll all be able to meet up next time again. I am so very fortunate these friends from work continue to connect with me, even though we now all work in different places. They have been there for me since my back surgery and continue to encourage me and make me feel like I'm still part of the gang. Their care, kindness and understanding never fails to touch my heart. Even as life continues to go on and so many changes are happening in their lives, they never forget me and they continue to keep the connections open.... "because I knew you, I have been changed for good".

Happy Birthday, Mahal

Today is Frendell's birthday. I can't believe how fast time has flown by. This has been a very difficult year for him and I hope that this coming new year will be better for him. He has been my strength, my chauffeur, my nurse (when our other nurses went home), my comfort. He stays up at night when I can't sleep and every single night, he fixes my pillows so that I can get in the best position possible, so I can try to sleep. I can't even fix my pillows the way he fixes them. He makes me laugh and he does the chores without complaining. I know he's had so much stress and so many things to worry about. I feel bad that on his birthday, he has to take us to our PT appointment. I had hoped we could spend the day downtown, but we had therapy scheduled. Happy birthday, Mahal... I love you.

Last week, I went with him to his pastors retreat @ Camp Akita. He wanted me to go with him and in the end, I'm glad that I went. I met alot of the pastors wives and I enjoyed getting to know them. I was glad I had the opportunity to thank them personally for praying for me and sending me cards, especially right after my surgery. I met Nirma, Jose and Kym.. wives of the pastors Frendell usually hangs out with. Nirma has sent me several cards and I am glad I finally got to meet her. We got home Wednesday night. Thursday was therapy day and Friday, I got my cold again and I was exhausted with all that we did all week. This coming week is very busy... with treatment, PT and dr.'s appt all in one week. I'm glad I have more energy, and yet I notice that it still takes alot out of me and I still have to rest, and sometimes take a nap. I hope this gets better soon. My heel pain is still there and Dr. Ron has admonished me for wearing flip flops instead of supportive shoes. I do think I need to get inserts :-( The taping is helping, but it doesn't take the pain away. I'm very tired and hope that I can sleep soon... my stomach feels funny too... I hope I'm not getting the flu. I've been kinda nauseated all day.. and I don't get my treatment till Wed. Good night...