Wrapped like a mummy

so today i had another PT session. and if there are mistakes on this blog it is because my PT,  Rommelle, has wrapped my right arm like a mummy.  she did a series of lymph massages... some felt good (around the neck), the others felt weird.. on my tummy and right arm.. and the right armpit was painful.  she massaged me for about 40 minutes, then she showed Frendell how to wrap my hand first, followed by my arm.  It feels like my whole arm is casted, complete with a stockinette over it, from the middle finger joints all the way to the armpit.  It is very uncomfortable.. and she told me I can take it off if it really bothers me, but she'd like me to keep it on until tomorrow when I shower in the morning, if I can do it. Try going to the bathroom or taking off your pants or unbuttoning your shirt... even rolling to my side to try and get up and out of bed is a challenge... And eating is quite a blast.. first, a hold the spoon on my right and try to scoop the food on it, then I change it to my left hand, but i'm not used to it, so I switch and try to eat with my right, but my elbow can't bend too far, so I have to put it on my left hand again.  It's like playing musical spoons.   And to try and look at the bright side.. it could have been worse.. i could have needed both arms done.. then what would I do then?  

Last night I attended a seminar @ the Wellness House called 'A Hero Within'. It gave cancer survivors and their families an opportunity to journal and explore feelings through this whole journey. They liken it to a hero's journey, where there is a Call to Adventure, the Refusal, then the Shield, being Lost, Mentors, Sabboteurs.. it was a neat way to reflect on how it's been and others shared what they've gone through.  Five of the women from my Thursday group were there, so it really felt like a mini-group session... one even had her husband there. It was neat for me to be able to write down and give voice to some feelings and some anxieties that have loomed and that I've been ignoring. Tonight, we will finish with Crossing the Threshold and looking to what's ahead.  I'm not sure how I will be able to write.. even sitting up will be hard.

I have tried to walk some each day to try and train for the walk on Mothers Day.. and the result is that my back hurts more.. so no matter which way I turn, i hurt front and back.. :-(  but it could be worse, I may have had to have IV chemo on top of it.... or had to have a double mastectomy... so I am not complaining too loudly.. just moaning a little.  I hope the wrapping decreases the swelling soon.. other than that, things have been well. Mom and Dad are here and have helped us so much already with house stuff and cheering me up and Mom walks with me when the weather let's us walk outside... I am blessed... 

Mother's Day Walk

My awesome friend and supporter Faith has given me the invitation to do the Breast Cancer Mother's Day Walk to Empower.  If you are interest in doing the walk, please let me know so we can form a team. It's Sunday, May 10th @ 8a.m. Grant Park  Chicago. If you have one in your city, please do the walk there. If you are not able to do the walk, please think of donating to our team or come and cheer us on.  More details will come as I'm able to provide them. Thank you and think of participating in one way or another :-)  I may be only able to walk 1 mile... but I will try for 3 by then.  Have a great day and start training :-)

Physical Therapy

Finally got to see the PT on Tuesday afternoon. It was an evaluation.. mostly we talked about my history, she took measurements of my arms and then gave me lots of precautions. She did say that I  need to get a sleeve for my arm, but that she wants me to wait until the swelling has gone down before I order it, otherwise it won't be the right size. She said it is hard to determine how many treatments it will take.... we have to wait and see, but the fact that I still have an open wound may greatly affect this. She suggested that I either have a medical bracelet made or carry a card and put it in my pocket and near my DL that I am not to have BP or blood draws on my right arm.. and also to include a list of my meds and what type of surgery I've had done. I felt old...  I think what struck me the most was the finality of it all... she said that I may have swelling for the rest of my life.. it may not always be this much (there is a 3 - 4 cm difference, especially in the upper arms), but when I overuse that arm, it can definitely swell up. I am not to lift more than 10-lbs on that side, ever.. and at the moment, I can't even do that yet. Whenever I am ready to cook/chop, I am to take rests in between. I need to support my arm when riding in the car or sitting in church or on the couch... I need to make sure I don't get sunburned on that arm;  mosquito bites or insect bites on that side; paper cuts and most of all, be very careful when shaving... especially now that I have decreased sensation on that side. Also, try not to switch deodorants at this time coz I will not be able to tell if I am having an allergic reaction to it. So many things to remember.. she said it takes up to about 2 years to get to the point when one uses her arm without consciously thinking about it... Wow!  For a lifetime... however long that may be.. it's like making a wedding vow, eh?

It reminded me of something someone said to me last week. I may have mentioned it already on a previous blog, so please bear with me. I like my PT, she's very nice and understanding and has a gentle touch. After she completed giving me the precautions and saying that I will need to watch out for my arm for the rest of my life, it came to my mind what someone said to me, " Well, breast cancer is the best kind of cancer to have, since  there's a lot of treatment options, research and medications for it".  I was too flabbergasted to even reply.. until today, when I say it to someone, i am in shock that someone would actually tell me there is a best kind of cancer.  I'm not sure if this person has ever had cancer.. I know that remark will not help my very close friend who lost her sister-in-law to breast cancer just last week... best kind of cancer?  have you ever heard of such a thing? Cancer is cancer.. and every time I go to the cancer center, go to the Wellness House, go to PT, it is cemented in my mind that my life will never be the same again as I remember it to be. Don't get me wrong and tell me that it would get better with time and that God has a plan and all that... I know that firsthand and I am finding out that there is life even during cancer and even after it... I see it everyday... but don't tell me that my life will be the same and  that breast cancer is better to have... than what? lung cancer? thyroid cancer? uterine cancer? bone cancer? leukemia?hhhmmmm.... maybe the side effects are starting to come...  

I  woke up @ 2:22 this a.m.; went to bed around midnight.. and am having throbbing pain... they're trying to wean me off the Percoset... I may never get a full night's sleep ever again.. as it was, I was only getting 3 - 4 hrs at the most when I would take it.. we shall see.. in the meantime, i will try not to brood over things too much. this is what happens when I blog @ 3 a.m.  Hope you all are sleeping well :-) sweet dreams...

Church

Today was my first time to be able to attend church in a very long time. It was a warm, sunny day....and Frendell didn't have any scheduled meetings after prayer group, so we both decided it would be a good time to go. I'm so glad to be able to attend. It was great to see everyone again and they were very happy to see me as well, as least from their comments and their smiles. I have missed going to church. Most importantly to me was hearing Frendell's sermon on 'God's view during the time of crisis' and it really encouraged me as he talked about perseverance and character and hope.  And who can't a message of hope during this day and age? thanks honey, I was truly blessed by the message you shared with us today. I know you were talking to God about it until this morning....  it was a very long day for me. We didn't get home until 4 p.m. and I had been up since 7 or so, trying to get ready. I was so tired by the time we got home that I promptly took a nap. When I woke up 4 hours later i thought it was morning.. for I usually only get that much sleep during the night. So, here i am @ 4 a.m. blogging.. can't sleep, so I figured, why not? Today was a testament of how faithful and merciful God has been in my life... He has blessed me with so many things and provided so many people in my life who have prayed on my behalf and have given their love and support. Being able to go to church again was a great blessing for me... next time, i will try not to forget my pain meds.. I was hurting there towards the end. I hope you all enjoyed your day :-) sleep well.. or should I say, good morning?

Mom goes home :-(

After 10 days here in Chicago, Mom left this morning for California. We will miss her and all the help she's been to us. It has been so nice to have my Mom here to talk to and go for walks daily and of course, there's her delicious cooking. I know she is very worried about me and many times I've had to reassure her that I'm doing better and able to do more for myself. It is very hard to be far away from each other. I know it's been hard for her to see me with incisions and such. We will miss having her here, specially now that it's getting warmer and we can walk outside more often.

Yesterday, I went to my support group. It is really a nice way to connect with other women who are going through the same things I am. Most of them are actually either in the middle of or finishing their chemotherapy treatments. In hearing them talk about their ports and side effects and all, I couldn't help but be grateful that my chemo is oral and I will not have the same adverse side effects that they've been experiencing. Although when I read the side effects of my medications, it isn't that simple either... and in fact, the nurse called me yesterday to check up on me and see how I'm doing. I am a bit nauseated and my stomach hurts but it's tolerable for now. One lady from our group, "K" shared that she discovered that she was very angry for all the things that have happened to her. This brought about a very interesting discussion on feelings and expectations and expressions and processing. I told them that lately I've been finding myself more angry and I am trying to figure out the cause of it. I think we were thrown into the rigors of diagnosis and surgeries and treatment options so quickly that there has been very little time to really digest it all. I'm glad we were able to talk about it yesterday.. and K seems happier and more animated and amiable now, compared to when i first met her 3 weeks ago.

Saw the plastic surgeon yesterday and he said that my wound may take up to many, many months to close up and heal. He is suggesting an outpatient procedure to close it up and also to trim some tissue from the side which is causing me great discomfort. We'll see how it goes... right now I am kinda tired of surgeries, but I'm afraid I may need to do it to close the wound. We will be in discussion again for the next couple of weeks.... one never knows what to expect around the bend... the doctors will confer with each other regarding my sleepless nights... we'll see what they decide. I know taking the meds will skew everything again.. I'm so not very patient and it's hard to 'wait and see'.  I hope you all had a great week :-) 

Injection Begins

We arrived @ the cancer center clinic E @ 9:50 for a 10a.m. appt. I walked in and who do I see but a woman from the support group (that meets on Thursday mornings). It was nice to see a familiar face. We discovered that we had the same oncologist, who she was also seeing that morning before she had her chemo tx, and the same general surgeon who did our surgeries... however, we have different plastic surgeons and her reconstruction is different than mine as well.  I waited for the nurse and she had to call pharmacy to make up my concoction and we waited some more.  I had release forms for the dr to sign, prescriptions to fill out and an hour-and-a-half and an injection later, we were finally able to get out of there.  After that, we dropped off the prescription for Tamoxifen. My friend Barb called me this morning to catch up on things.. and she asked me, "isn't tamoxifen a chemotherapy drug?".  "I don't think so", I said. "But women do have to take it after they have chemo or radiation". When we got to the hospital, I asked the nurse for a copy of side effects for Tamoxifen, and guess what was the heading?  Chemotherapy drug: Tamoxifen.  It is actually more precisely known as a hormone therapy... specifically an antiestrogen hormone therapy. It acts similarly to estrogen and will bind to the cancer cells and it will reduce the production of the cancer cells (which thrives on estrogen and progesterone hormones) and eventually stop the cancer cells from multiplying. At least, that is how I understand it. I will read up on it some more when I get more sleep and hopefully will be able to explain it better. I figured, I have to take this for 5 years, with injections every month.. so might as well know exactly what it's doing.

When I saw my friend from the support group, it hit me that my cancer world has expanded. It is now more than just faces that I see.. I actually have names that go with the faces and I am learning their story, their journey. And when the secretaries are starting to recognize you, you know you've been there alot of times already... and my brain tells me I have cancer. And I just started treatments today... will we be on a first name basis by the time I'm done in 5 years? I love meeting people and making new friends.. i never imagined I would make friends at a cancer center... but, as I looked around me today and saw so many people waiting for an oncology appointment, blood test, chemotherapy appointment, consult, and whatever else they're waiting for, I saw an opportunity to connect with others, who like me, have had their world turned upside down. And we all have stories to share and friendships to form and encouragement to give. My hip is sore, but that will go away.. tomorrow I go to my support group and will meet up with my friend. I hope she's not too tired from her chemo tx. The nurse warned me that I will probably have nausea, fatigue, swelling and all those good things to look forward to as well. But I'll share with the group that in spite of side effects, one good side effect of treatment for cancer is forming friendships with others who know what you're going through and encourage you and support you, even though they're in pain themselves. The human spirit.. the support, unity, love and kindness lives on, even at the cancer center...

Treatment Begins

So once we decided we would go with the clinical trial medication for now, instead of chemotherapy, it started the ball rolling to get me registered for that. I had to get blood tests done, sign lots of consent forms and wait... and wait.. and wait. I finally got the call last Friday that I will begin treatments this coming week. So on Wednesday, we will go back to see the oncologist and nurse, receive an injection and then I will start taking medication. This will go on until March of 2014... yes, believe it or not, daily medication for 5 years. Lauren will be 19, Christian 9 and Kori 7 (nieces and nephew) by the time I finish my meds. Sometimes it's so hard to imagine what it will be like then... maybe Jesus would have returned by then and we would not even be here on earth anymore... who can really predict what the future will bring? I know I will be OLDER :-( and may have more aches and pains...

In the meantime, I am still having difficulty with sleeping at night. Frendell has been giving me gentle oil massages, including on the lateral side of the reconstructed area, where I am having lots of swelling. The earliest the PT specialist can see me is Tues Mar 24th, so for now, I hope the oils will help. When we were in the Philippines, one of our friends owned an outpt. PT clinic with a massage place and he told us that the lymphatic massage is painful. So, I guess there's more pain to look forward to :-(  

The weather's been so nice, I've been walking around more. Yesterday, our friend Chris came by and we walked around the park across the street from our house. We also took a peek at the candy store by the Ferrara Pan candy factory on the corner of Harlem and Harrison. Yummy.. they had chocolate covered nuts, choc-covered raisins, lemon heads, sourheads and other things. Next time we walk that direction, I will definitely bring some money and try some lemon heads :-)  So now, that mystery is solved :-)  I have always wanted to know what candy they made there.. way back since 1995, when we first moved back to Chicago and Frendell was pastor of West Central Church. We used to pass by this candy factory every week.... and now, I know :-) For those of you who wanted to know, I'm sorry but they do not give tours to the public inside the factory. They just sell the candy in their little store. Today, Frendell & I walked around the park and on to another block... now my back is sore.. I know I need some serious re-adjustments, but I don't know how soon I can get them. So, in the meantime I have the diffuser on, I've been wiped and lathered with oils, I will take my medicine in an hour, try to recline, put my right arm up on pillows, close my eyes and hope that the sand man will come and sprinkle fairy dust on my eyes so I can sleep :-)  I sure hope all of you will get some sleep as well... Good night.. another week begins.

Sleepless in Chicago

It's almost 230a.m. here and I'm  trying out different ways to fall asleep... but since the sandman is elusive tonight, i thought I'd post here and let you know the thoughts that are floating in my head. I had my first PT appointment today. I went back to Fitness Performance PT clinic out in Downers Grove. They were so instrumental in helping me through my rehab from back surgery, which incidently is exactly a year ago this Friday the 13th. Linda and Amy, the PTs, as well as Pavel, the massage therapist, are all so knowledgeable and have a more hands-on approach rather than using modalities. They've become my friends and I even started Pilates there before I was diagnosed in Oct. That stopped all my therapies then.  Well, after assessing the situation, Linda recommended that I go to someone certified for lymphedema massage, at least for the next several weeks, until it's better, and then I can return to them for my ROM (range of motion) and scar massage. I have lost some range in my right shoulder and would need help in that area, and of course, my back exercises have been non-existent since the surgeries. So, I am off to find another therapist again.. another new provider to get to know, to trust...

I got a call from my friend that her family member, who had end stage breast cancer, died yesterday morning. I couldn't help but cry with her... I wish there was something I could do to comfort her and her family. It will be a very tough time for all of them the next several months. It's never easy to say good-bye to someone you love.   Another friend emailed me today to request for prayers. This friend of mine has been struggling with mitochondrial disease (she and her 2 children were diagnosed in October) and other complications from it. She told me that her friend's 8-yr-old daughter, who also has mitochondrial disease, MELAS to be exact, died last night. She got the flu on Sunday, was admitted to the hospital, but because of the disease, she was not able to fight and lost to it last night. It is heartbreaking. I read about her and their family's daily routine and the amount of work involved in taking care of her is staggering. It doesn't even end there. Mitochondrial disease is genetic, passed through the mother's genes. So, her Mom and her younger brother also have the disease. Most people with MELAS die between the ages of 10 and 35. Staggering, isn't it? 

I am constantly humbled by reading what my friend is going through. I feel so bad when I complain about not being able to sleep because I can't find a comfortable position at night and my arm hurts. Doesn't it sound so whiny to you? I don't know how I would feel if I had mito disease. I am fortunate that there is more information about breast cancer.. mito disease is just recently starting to get some tiny attention... they're trying so desperately to raise awareness, raise money for research, educate everyone, including medical doctors/other providers. So please, if you can, read more about it. You can google it or go to www.umdf.org.  As I sit here, semi-reclined in bed, my thoughts wandering in all sorts of direction, I cannot help but long for heaven... I cannot help but pray for peace and comfort for my friends and their families, who are grieving for loved ones; grieving for lost dreams and opportunities for more memories. I cannot help but be so grateful that I am given another day to live life, another opportunity to reach out to someone, to thank God and my family and my friends. I cannot help but be thankful for medical care and for people who have dedicated their lives trying to help people like me; who spend their time looking for answers. I hope we make today count. Tim Sanders, author of Love is the Killer Apt, writes in his book that reading and educating yourself is one of the best ways to show someone that you loved them. And through this journey of cancer I have found this to be true. I have 2 or 3 friends, aside from our families, who have read up and researched and informed themselves about my diagnosis and treatment options. They've undertaken the journey with us and have helped me when i needed their opinions and advice and their thoughts. So, can i gently nudge you to educate yourself to learn about something you haven't even thought abou?  something you can share with someone else. It doesn't matter if it's about breast cancer, mitochondrial disease, autism, heart disease, MS, Alzheimers... there's a whole gamut to choose from.. do you know someone who has health issues? learn more and help them... and I hope you have a good night's rest as well... as for me, i will sit here until the sandman works his magic and while I wait, I will say a prayer for my friends, for my family, for you... may God continue to show us His mercy and grace... good night, or maybe, it's good morning already

Worry

today, I'm asking you all to pray for a friend whose family member is at the end stage with her fight against breast cancer. I got the call in the early afternoon and it made me cry with her... it's never easy to see someone you love struggle with an illness... and when they're at the end stage of the disease, so many questions come to mind and there is a longing to hold on for just a bit longer, so you can say good-bye and spend some more time together. I didn't know what to say, i couldn't find the right words to comfort her.. all I can offer was prayer and finding comfort in a God who understands what we're going through. After I got off the phone, it hit me that that could've been me... losing my fight with breast cancer... Again the question, would it be better to know that you have a set amount of time to live or would it be better not to know? would it help if your family and friends knew you only had so many months or weeks to live? or would it be better not to know?

Later on in the day, we visited another friend who is in the hospital with pneumonia. This was my first "official" visit to a hospital when i am not the patient. I actually went coz it would've been too much driving for Frendell to drop me off at home first. I didn't expect the feelings that came over me as I stood by the bed and watched our friend having a difficult time breathing; when she tried to cough, my heart just broke for her and i got scared when it set off the alarm in one of her monitors... actually, the machine was helping her breathe and she was trying to say something to us and couldn't... I didn't expect to feel physical pain, but I did. I asked Frendell if he felt faint.. he said no. I told him I did and I literally had to sit down. That's the first time that ever happened to me in a hospital setting. Usuallly I'm the one that holds his hand so he won't feel faint. It felt like I was the one on that bed... it was a weird experience for me. 

As we were driving home in traffic, I thought about what made life really count. With all the economic turmoil and things going on, my focus turns to worrying about the future. And it reminded me of the verse in the Matthew 6:25-34 which talks about "not to worry about your life, your body, what you're going to eat. We won't add another minute to our lives even if we worry". It's so difficult to let go of the worries, the fears that weigh me down. What makes life count? For me, today, it was just being able to listen to my friend as she starts grieving for her family member; today, it was being able to visit a friend at the hospital and praying for her; praying for all my friends and loved ones; being able to tell Frendell "thank you" for always being patient with me and appreciating him;  being able to give praise to my Father in heaven who allowed me another day to live... for it could have been me at the end of my fight against cancer.  How did you make your day count today? 

New week

the week-end was tough for me... i've been fighting a cold all week so it's hard when I cough. fortunately that doesn't happen too often or I'd really be in trouble. It's been very difficult to sleep at night, I'm not sure why. So, I'm very tired during the day and end up napping more. I feel more despondent at times... This week, they will submit my name for the clinical trial and if I'm accepted, the computer will decide which arm of the study I will fall under. Treatments should begin either this week or next week.

My Mom is coming tomorrow. We've very excited that she's coming. I know she's been wanting to come over since my surgery, but it would've been too cold for her in Jan or Feb with all the snow we've had. I'm looking forward to home-cooked meals :-) No take-outs for awhile.  Although, I must say that some of our friends have brought us very delicious food, homemade or not and we have been very blessed by that and we enjoyed every morsel of it as well :-) Frendell has been juicing faithfully to make sure I get my complete servings of vegetables :-)

Went to my group last Thursday. Met 2 new ladies. One of them has the same exact story I have, except she's still at the beginning phase of her treatment. She has been recommended to have a mastectomy. I felt so bad for her; she's probably my age as well and it was hard to see her so devastated. It surprised me the vehemence of some of the women in our group when she voiced that she wanted to save her breast as much as possible. I thought I was having a flashback when I heard things like, "it's just a breast, your life is more important", or "it doesn't define who you are, you are more than a breast", or "you have other things to worry about". I was saddened by the insensitivity I saw there.. and this is my support group. Don't get me wrong, I understand where they are coming from and if we all thought about it, what they said were true. What surprised me and made me sad was the way it was delivered... there was no empathy and understanding for the woman who is struggling with the diagnosis and the fact that she has still to come to terms with this. So, you all know me, I just could not stay quiet... so I told them that I struggled with the same thing... and for them who were cavalier enough to say, "go ahead, take it off, it's only a breast", well, good for you.  But we're not any worse or wrong if we have to struggle with it. It is, after all, our bodies and our decisions and we are also entitled to what we think and how we feel and how we want to proceed. It was a enlightening time for me. She came up to me later and thanked me for the support. I encouraged her to get a 2nd opinion if she didn't feel comfortable with the doctor, but I did tell her that my surgeon and oncologist told me that if it's ductal carcinoma, it is harder to predict how far the cancer has gone, because ducts are like roots to a tree. I hope she will be more at peace with her decisions in the next few weeks. Its a pretty traumatic thing to have to face and unless you've had to make that kind of decision, you can only speculate what you will do in that situation. Overall, I'm very glad I go to group. I learn so much from the others and I am encouraged by their determination to continue living life in spite of the cancer. They won't let it define them. Even K this week is much more animated and shared more. I guess she has been given a time period of survival; she seems to be struggling with it. She said she felt 'defeated' though, because she didn't know about her cancer or treatments available for her. Our facilitator has been wonderful in guiding her to the right resources... now, if she'll only make that call :-) It made me wonder: what is better... knowing that I only have so many months to live or to live and not know when i may die. What do you all think? I'd love to hear what your thoughts are on this...

I hope you all had a great week-end. It was a dreary, rainy week-end here in Chicago.. flash flood warnings are still in effect. I wished it were snow... but Frendell was so happy he doesn't need to shovel :-)  we thought we may have to canoe to get somewhere... have a great week everyone... make today count; someone out there needs your caring touch.

The Agony of a Decision

Have you ever experienced a time in your life when you felt like things were taken out of your control? Like if you can just hold on to something, it would stabilize you and the things that are spinning out of control from your hands? The diagnosis of cancer felt like that to me. So many times I felt like I had no choice... get the MRI; get more blood tests; get a lumpectomy; get a mastectomy.  Sometimes I wished that someone would just give me the chance to make a decision about this whole thing. Be careful what you wish for. It happened to me. Some of you were aware that I was given the choice for my treatment plan. 

Now, you may wonder, how in the world did that happen? It would be too long to write it all down here. Let's get to the overall scenario. I am very fortunate and I believe it is by God's grace and intervention, that the cell burden (the size of the metastasis) was very small because we caught it very early. It was a moderately aggressive kind of cancer and had i waited until December to have the initial surgery, it may have spread to more lymph nodes. I think God strongly impressed my surgeon and oncology team to compromise with me:  have the surgery and even if we disagree with you, then go on your mission trip.  They've told me from the beginning that the best intervention for cancer is to remove it, then we can look at other treatment options. I trusted them and it was the right move.  So fast forward to now... small cell burden equals to small percentage of recurrence, at best it would be about 12%, most likely in the single digits.  Okay, so I heard all that before, and remember I was the "atypical patient" who always fell in the odds?  In discussing things with our oncologist, Dr. Robinson, she said that the rate of recurrence would be the same if I chose chemotherapy or medication. She gave us the facts. Two nurses came in to talk to us about what to expect and what side effects there would be to chemotherapy versus tamoxifen versus going on a soft trial with exemestane.  So, 10 days ago, we walked out of the cancer center with a huge folder of information to digest.

Talked to family, friends, other medical people...  Frendell & I stayed up nights discussing what we thought would be the best option. I agonized that I may choose the wrong thing, even though Dr. Robinson said "there is NO wrong decision. Whatever you decide to do IS the RIGHT decision". When we removed the fear factor (is it really going to come back), we were surprised that we thought medication was the best option. We, along with Dr. Robinson, did not want to overmedicate.

I couldn't sleep at night. I didn't want to let anyone down. And I know people will be disappointed that I did not choose chemotherapy.  Family genetics, she said, had no bearing on whether chemotherapy would guarantee that it won't recur. That's the key word, there is no guarantee.  Many times I wished I didn't know so much about the side effects or that there was a chance it may recur. Many times I wished the doctor would just tell me it's best that you do this, and I would've said, "Ok, if that's what you think I should do".

Isn't it funny that when it came down to it, the agony of trying to make the right decision, based on FACT and NOT ON FEAR was so difficult?  So, today, we went to see Dr. Robinson... and we had made a decision.

What amazed me was when i sat there and told her that I had decided to go with the medication, I started tearing up. And I had the weirdest feeling... I felt a let down, like I was disappointed. You must understand that when they told me I had metastasis way back in Dec and that the treatment plan would switch to chemotherapy, I agonized then too. But I worked mentally and emotionally on preparing myself for chemotherapy. I even hoped my hair would grow back straight. What I didn't prepare for was the feeling of loss when I realized that was not what was gonna happen.  I could hear some of you already saying, "Girl, are you crazy? You're lucky you don't have to go through chemo".  Believe me, I realize how fortunate I am about that and thankful as well. I go to the cancer center every week and I see people undergoing chemotherapy all the time... I thought and already was imagining I would be sitting in the waiting area of Clinic B, right outside the chemo clinic... I guess it would be different for me. I had to sit there and pause and let my feelings just be... The one thing I really appreciated about Frendell & Dr. Robinson was that they never once pushed me one way or the other. He listened, gave his opinion, reassured me that he was proud of me and would go through whatever side effects I will go through. She listened, tried to understand my thought process when I voiced my doubts, dialogued with me all the scenarios for all the options, answered all my questions and provided me with the information I wanted and needed. She reassured me that she would be with me through this whole journey too.. stuck with each other for 5 years.. but I'm glad she knows what she's doing... Dr. Robinson told us that the hardest thing about the diagnosis of cancer is the emotional component attached to it.. this evokes fear in people and in my "atypical history", she can see how I would want a guarantee and make sure I did everything I can to make sure the cancer does not come back. I believe for now, we have made the right decision for us. Is there a guarantee? No. We've always taken the conservative approach since the initial diagnosis, we continue with our trend.

Lessons learned?  1. Making a decision can be so agonizing if you always want a guarantee. Nothing in this life is guaranteed.   2. You must be able to trust your health care provider and what they're telling you, otherwise, you'll always be second-guessing.   3. It's imperative to have someone to dialogue with.. someone who is not pushing their agenda, rather, asking the pertinent questions and providing a listening ear to what your fears and worries are.   4. Learn how to make a decision based on facts rather than on fear.   5. Remember that God really knows what's important to you and He is in control of your life. There have been so many what-if's and we will probably have many more to come, but in looking back now, I strongly believe that God orchestrated things for me the way He thought I would be able to deal with and handle and process this diagnosis of cancer. And if that is the only lesson that I learn, it would be enough. Dayenu.

1 month post-op

I cannot believe it's been a month since surgery; last Friday was the exact month milestone. I've had the week-end to think about what it's been like the past month. Today, I actually walked for about 30- 40 mins around the store.. i was a little nervous that people may bump into me, but I noticed that I was standing up straighter and walking a little bit faster, and not shuffling like i was. My pain is more manageable now and I'm not taking as many Tylenols during the day as I used to.

Lessons learned?

1.  The pain does lessen with time; it's okay to take your pain meds to give your body a break.

2.  Take a nap when you need it.. it helps the body heal.

3.  Laughter is great medicine and stress reliever.. even when it was painful to laugh, we laughed. Even when there's infection and ugly scars, we laugh. Laughing really did help make me feel better.

4.  Don't sweat the small stuff... I'm still trying to learn this. Losing control of doing things is very hard for me. Asking for help for even the smallest things like putting on my pants, like getting up from the bed, etc, was hard in the beginning. Learning to allow others to help and not obsessing about the things i couldn't control is a good lesson to learn. 

5.  Be grateful and appreciate my blessings daily.  Whether it be family, friends, snow days, sunny days, homemade foods, beautiful flowers, gifts, money gifts, medicine, music, hot showers, being able to shave, support groups, nice clean painted bathrooms, visits from family and friends, phone calls, emails, blog comments, books, the Bible promises, doctors and medical teams who explain everything so well, my computer, Froy's camera and ipod, Valentine presents, scar lotions, cards, audio books, vegetable juice and a sister and husband who willingly juice for me...so many things to be thankful for. Thank you Lord for giving me so many blessings, for being faithful, for being our hope while we're in the tunnel.

Christian n Kori in Chicago 2

 Love their smiles.. they laughed and ran around and kicked the ball and sang and asked lots of questions and brought love and warmth and sunshine in our home 

 and they drew lots and lots of pictures..

  Gallery of love

 our budding artists..

 Christian drew "Super Christian" and where he lived and Kori liked to draw flowers... they left us with lots of happy memories and a gallery of pictures drawn with lots of love and kisses and hugs

Christian n Kori in Chicago

 We played music instruments and laughed and sang, then we sat down and took lots of pictures :-)

 Bye Uncle Frendell... right before they all left, Frendell for church, the kids back to California

 Kori & Christian watched the snow falling from the window.. too cold to go outside to play

 Frank clearing the car...something he doesn't get to do in California on a regular basis, for which he is so thankful for... plus, he said he won't miss the cold

  thank you so much, Frank, Candy, Christian and Kori for coming to visit us and for helping us out this week :-)  We miss you guys and love you so much. I hope we'll be able to see you all soon... come back when it's warmer and we'll play at the park across the street :-)

Fun week with Friends

 Frendell talked "shop" with Sharon about the program for songs or something like that :-)  Jason was able to join us too...

  I was there for the conversation and the food :-)

  Faith, Leonard, NJ and Olivia came over on Sunday night and brought Hawaiian food for us all to enjoy. Faith also had surgery 3 days after I had mine, so we hadn't been able to meet up until now. It was great to be able to spend time together and just catch up :-)

 Nunay is very excited to juice... Frendell made us vegetable juice with spinach, lettuce, carrots, parsley, cucumber and apple. Livvy didn't like it at all, NJ finished his and actually liked it.. Nunay wants to get a juice now :-)  Faith is still deciding :-)

 NJ and Livvy played Wii... they're so good at this, I didn't even want to try and  play against them :-)  we are so blessed to have a community of family and friends who share our burdens and have shown their support in so many ways. God is faithful. God is peace. God is hope. 

1-month milestone post-op

 Karen had a birthday this past week and she came over to celebrate with us.   She got a Betty Boop Lip Gloss :-)  

 Birthday lunch with Karen

 My friend from Stroger Hospital, Cheryl Buchignani.

 She baked a quiche for me when she heard that our oven did not work. It was a broccolli, spinach and leek quiche.

 Cheryl came on Sunday for a visit. She brought delicious food for brunch :-) Can you believe it's been a month since my surgery? Praise the Lord for healing... slowly but surely :-)