Now, you may wonder, how in the world did that happen? It would be too long to write it all down here. Let's get to the overall scenario. I am very fortunate and I believe it is by God's grace and intervention, that the cell burden (the size of the metastasis) was very small because we caught it very early. It was a moderately aggressive kind of cancer and had i waited until December to have the initial surgery, it may have spread to more lymph nodes. I think God strongly impressed my surgeon and oncology team to compromise with me: have the surgery and even if we disagree with you, then go on your mission trip. They've told me from the beginning that the best intervention for cancer is to remove it, then we can look at other treatment options. I trusted them and it was the right move. So fast forward to now... small cell burden equals to small percentage of recurrence, at best it would be about 12%, most likely in the single digits. Okay, so I heard all that before, and remember I was the "atypical patient" who always fell in the odds? In discussing things with our oncologist, Dr. Robinson, she said that the rate of recurrence would be the same if I chose chemotherapy or medication. She gave us the facts. Two nurses came in to talk to us about what to expect and what side effects there would be to chemotherapy versus tamoxifen versus going on a soft trial with exemestane. So, 10 days ago, we walked out of the cancer center with a huge folder of information to digest.
Talked to family, friends, other medical people... Frendell & I stayed up nights discussing what we thought would be the best option. I agonized that I may choose the wrong thing, even though Dr. Robinson said "there is NO wrong decision. Whatever you decide to do IS the RIGHT decision". When we removed the fear factor (is it really going to come back), we were surprised that we thought medication was the best option. We, along with Dr. Robinson, did not want to overmedicate.
I couldn't sleep at night. I didn't want to let anyone down. And I know people will be disappointed that I did not choose chemotherapy. Family genetics, she said, had no bearing on whether chemotherapy would guarantee that it won't recur. That's the key word, there is no guarantee. Many times I wished I didn't know so much about the side effects or that there was a chance it may recur. Many times I wished the doctor would just tell me it's best that you do this, and I would've said, "Ok, if that's what you think I should do".
Isn't it funny that when it came down to it, the agony of trying to make the right decision, based on FACT and NOT ON FEAR was so difficult? So, today, we went to see Dr. Robinson... and we had made a decision.
What amazed me was when i sat there and told her that I had decided to go with the medication, I started tearing up. And I had the weirdest feeling... I felt a let down, like I was disappointed. You must understand that when they told me I had metastasis way back in Dec and that the treatment plan would switch to chemotherapy, I agonized then too. But I worked mentally and emotionally on preparing myself for chemotherapy. I even hoped my hair would grow back straight. What I didn't prepare for was the feeling of loss when I realized that was not what was gonna happen. I could hear some of you already saying, "Girl, are you crazy? You're lucky you don't have to go through chemo". Believe me, I realize how fortunate I am about that and thankful as well. I go to the cancer center every week and I see people undergoing chemotherapy all the time... I thought and already was imagining I would be sitting in the waiting area of Clinic B, right outside the chemo clinic... I guess it would be different for me. I had to sit there and pause and let my feelings just be... The one thing I really appreciated about Frendell & Dr. Robinson was that they never once pushed me one way or the other. He listened, gave his opinion, reassured me that he was proud of me and would go through whatever side effects I will go through. She listened, tried to understand my thought process when I voiced my doubts, dialogued with me all the scenarios for all the options, answered all my questions and provided me with the information I wanted and needed. She reassured me that she would be with me through this whole journey too.. stuck with each other for 5 years.. but I'm glad she knows what she's doing... Dr. Robinson told us that the hardest thing about the diagnosis of cancer is the emotional component attached to it.. this evokes fear in people and in my "atypical history", she can see how I would want a guarantee and make sure I did everything I can to make sure the cancer does not come back. I believe for now, we have made the right decision for us. Is there a guarantee? No. We've always taken the conservative approach since the initial diagnosis, we continue with our trend.
Lessons learned? 1. Making a decision can be so agonizing if you always want a guarantee. Nothing in this life is guaranteed. 2. You must be able to trust your health care provider and what they're telling you, otherwise, you'll always be second-guessing. 3. It's imperative to have someone to dialogue with.. someone who is not pushing their agenda, rather, asking the pertinent questions and providing a listening ear to what your fears and worries are. 4. Learn how to make a decision based on facts rather than on fear. 5. Remember that God really knows what's important to you and He is in control of your life. There have been so many what-if's and we will probably have many more to come, but in looking back now, I strongly believe that God orchestrated things for me the way He thought I would be able to deal with and handle and process this diagnosis of cancer. And if that is the only lesson that I learn, it would be enough. Dayenu.
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