Form my birthday, Jerma gave me the book Resilience by Elizabeth Edwards. It is her autobiography. (It has come to my realization that 2 of the 4 books I'm reading concurrently are written by women who have had breast cancer). Anyways, she is a very good writer and has expressed some of the things I have thought of myself. As I was sitting in the cancer center waiting area Clinic E, waiting for my shot, I read some things that gave me courage and insight for my own struggles. It would be best if I just quote her. "I had to accept that the planet had taken a few turns and I could not turn it back. My life was and would always be different. We will each have hardships that are more difficult than we imagined we could ever face. I have cancer. It consumes my life in ways I cannot control...... the longer I clung to the hope that my old life might come back, the more I set myself up for unending discontent. In time, I learned that I was starting a new story. I write these words as if that is the beginning and end of what I did, but it is only a small slice of the middle. Each time I got knocked down, it took me some time to adjust to get to acceptance and in each case, that was only part of the way home". It hit me in a very hard way because I realized that I had been waiting to get the 'old' me back... I was waiting to get my strength, energy, outlook in life... all of it. I thought that one day it will just be magical and come back to me. I had to cry and give myself permission to accept that cancer has changed my life... it doesn't have to be bad, it is just different. And I don't have to stay here, feeling like I have nowhere to go and no purpose to accomplish, because this is just a slice of the middle... my story has not ended yet.
And this just cemented what I told the psychologist 2 weeks ago... " Sometimes we have to give ourselves space to grieve what we have lost: a person, a way of life, a dream. But at some point we have to stand up and say, this is my new life and in this life I need a new job". Wow!! I told Dr. Mumby yesterday that quote gave me alot of freedom. I had been grudgingly giving myself permission to grieve and now I opened the door to grieving and it has been freeing for me. When I first got diagnosed, I told Frendell that I didn't even ask "why me".. I told him that I knew God has a lesson for me to learn. And he was very wise and told me, "Honey, sometimes when you're going through the pain, it is very hard to find the lesson. So, don't push to find it. Just go through what you have to through and you will be able to see the lesson in the end. And the most important thing is, it is alright for you to question and ask 'why me?'". It has taken many months but I think that morning, sitting there at the waiting area in Clinic E, surrounded by other cancer patients, I asked "why me?". And a miracle happened... because I did not feel the self-pity I thought I would. I did not get hit by the torrent of tears that sometimes comes at the most inopportune moments. Instead, I saw courage and determination and "resilience" in the people that sat around me and in myself as well, as we continue to fight this thing called cancer. We were all sitting there waiting for our treatments and to see our doctors: one man in his 40s who smiled at everyone, the 11-yr-old boy who lost one of his legs and still horsed around with his sister, the teen-age girl who was looking at fashion magazines with her girlfriend, the lady next to me who had a scarf to cover her bald head, the older gentleman who sat across from me holding his wife's hand... we were all there in Clinic E... and we all smiled when the nurse called our name and even though I know everyone there is feeling some pain and discomfort, when the nurse asked, "How are you doing today?", everyone answered, "I'm doing well and I'm hanging in there". I know because I was the last one who was called in. I have always been amazed by the tenacity of the human spirit and that morning, I allowed myself to realize that i had the same tenacity in me and I was very happy that I did.
I told Dr. Mumby yesterday that acknowledging that I am a different person has been freeing for me. A new reality, maybe a new life. It's not bad, it's not good, it's just different. And I will give myself time to get to know this new me and give me time to grieve and figure out how to put the pieces together that still fit. She is very pleased with the progress I'm making in my 'distress' and has been very affirming with these new insights I've gained. I told her I am forever grateful that I was given the opportunity to see and experience the outpouring of kindness and care and tenderness from so many people: my husband, our families, our close friends, our church families, our medical team, our acquaintances, sometimes even strangers from the street who inquire about my sleeve. And I am so grateful that I am able to feel gratitude and accept this gift. I have been blessed so abundantly and through this experience I have been changed for good.
Last night, I went out to dinner with Ann and Cheryl to celebrate their birthdays. We missed Carol, Dana and Betty, but hopefully we'll all be able to meet up next time again. I am so very fortunate these friends from work continue to connect with me, even though we now all work in different places. They have been there for me since my back surgery and continue to encourage me and make me feel like I'm still part of the gang. Their care, kindness and understanding never fails to touch my heart. Even as life continues to go on and so many changes are happening in their lives, they never forget me and they continue to keep the connections open.... "because I knew you, I have been changed for good".
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