Husband's last post, I think...

Hi Everyone,

There is so much to post I'm just going to come out and say this post is going to be a really long one. For those of you who don't like long posts from me please feel free to just skip this one. For those of you who like my long posts and show your wisdom, great taste, and virtually guarantee your eternal life in heaven because of your virtue, hehe...well here it goes. Would it be alright if I just admit that I'm a mess. I feel like I'm at the ledge of everything sane and something is just tugging on me to jump. I'm really not sure which is harder, to be the one in pain or to be the one who sees your love one be in pain. Every part of me wants to run, but there is no where to run, because all I really want to do is stay. For every stressful situation, I've always looked forward to a vacation where I can just relax and be reenergized to face the next wave of stress...there is no vacation from this stressor, and just when I thought I've reached my limit, I'm sure God's grace comes along and gives me more energy, grace, and even joy to get me through. The only time I can possibly relax is when Glady is pain free, and right now the tunnel or the journey seems so long, dark, and dare I say endless. So some nights I want to sleep, and yet don't want to. There is so much to do and yet not enough energy or emotional strength to do it. Thus the confusion and just plain frazzledness, if that even is a word. But like all dark moments in my life God comes in and His brightness takes away every dark corner of my heart and mind. It sounds weird and so clicheish. If someone else was writing it, I would think they were just using religious rubbish to calm themselves or even sermonize, which honestly I tend to do. But for me, this is the truth. Even as Glady named this site "journey of hope," we've always wondered where the hope was going to come in, and we wanted to know whether one can experience hope where there doesn't seem to be anything even close to an inkling of a glitter of a microscopic dust of hope to be seen. I know I'm being way too dramatic, but that's what happens to me when I'm near insanity. As we met with the oncologist two days ago, we were given three choices of treatments, all of which will include atleast 5 years of medications that will make Glady even more depressed and change her body even more than it's already been changed. I'm like, "you're going to give my wife something that will make her more depressed... for five years...and this is the best the medical field can come up with." That just sounded like ... either your cancer will kill you or we'll give you something that makes you wish your cancer will kill you. We were in the same room when the same doctor told us Glady was cancer free and we were so giddy, we all felt like 8th graders who were out on their first date (or in these days, 3rd graders who were out on their first date). Now we got out of there thinking alright, I think the depression starts even before the treatment starts. Me being who I am started thinking, I guess this is better than death, but it really isn't that much better.
As we wept through the process of making such impossible decisions, God somehow comes in again and uses it as a teaching tool to learn more about who we are, who God is, and how He works things out. These are some of the things I learned. 1. I realize how valuable my wife is to me. As we wept through another discussion the other day, mainly because we both had our moments of just feeling utterly sorry for ourselves, I was just overwhelmed by this feeling that I was very happy that she was alive. Can one really be very happy when you're crying tears of pain. I know it sounds like I'm the one who needs the 5 years of treatment,but I have never felt so much love and care for Glady as I do now. As she lamented on the fact that I have to help her with everything and how useless she feels, I know deep in my heart I meant every word when I told her she could never be useless or a burden to me. All of a sudden, God impressed on me that we could never be a burden to Him. This was great news to me because there have been times in my life when I've wondered whether God just gets sick and tired of me. I do everything to mess Him up, and He has to do virtually everything for me, and yet He tells me He loves me. I didn't quite get the depth of it all until that day. And I know my feelings is not even close to the love He has for me. That revelation put me on a high for a few hours. That is just way too cool. 2. I"ve learned who our closest friends are. Sometimes as a pastor, the line of friendship and just being a member of my church becomes blurred and you think you have so many friends, when really you just have a bunch of acquaintances. Glady and I have always categorized those who know us because it's a lot of people. There is the mass of acquaintances who know us and we know them and we're friendly to each other. There is another group of people who aren't that friendly to us, but we won't even mention them. And honestly, we have a great group of acquaintances who have gone so far as given as cards and continually told us that they were thinking and praying for us. Then there's the next rung in the ladder of friendship and those are our friends. We have a little more history with them than acquaintances and they too in their special way have provided us with hope and joy. Then there are our close friends. This circle, for me, I can count with both my hands only. And the ones that are rare and we've come to value so much are our intimate friends. We can only count these gems with one hand, but just the thought of them brings a smile to our hearts. Just talking about them makes us feel like the wealthiest people in the world. O.K., again, I'm being way too melodramatic, but then again...not really. The biggest surprise in this whole experience is how so many people got shuffled in our friendship ladder. There were those whom we thought were acquaintances who were really intimate friends and vice versa. There's nothing like a crisis that brings your best friends out, and our friends did come out, much to our surprise and delight. As I think about all the blessings our friends and acquaintances have been to us, again I began to be impressed that God knew this whole experience was going to happen all along, and right when we've needed friends, He prepared an overwhelming amount of them came out. Expressing how much y'all mean to us and describing the many ways you've blessed our lives would just be too long to describe in a blog. Again God says, "I've brought my whole network with me, and Verizon has nothing on me..." Someday I would like to see just how many angels were sent our way, because I'm sure it's a whole lot more than the humans He sent our way, and I think it would be too cool to meet them. I don't know about you, but just the thought brightens up my day, and when you experience God's actual presence through your darkness, for me I've actually smiled through my tears and had peace through my craziness. 3. Our family. Y'all make us smile just thinking of you. You actually weren't a surprise. There were just too many times when Glady and I mention y'all and the incredible blessing you've been to us. You are the ones who have seen us in our best and in our ugliest moments, and your constant love and support reminds us of a God who'se love for us is unconditional. 4. I've been blessed to see the smile and strength Glady has shown through this whole experience. Yeah, I'll say it loud and clear, I am so proud of my wife. It really is possible to smile through your pain. To be strong at your weakest moment. To show grace through chaos. To have faith through times of doubt. To have hope when everything seems hopeless. To be married to someone who shows me all of that consistently is nothing short of spectacular and incredibly special. It helps me feel sane at my hair pulling crazy moments. It shows me God's incredible wisdom and grace through moments when I think He's either lost it or just clueless. It has made me see her value, and the precious diamond that God gave me has shone through even at the period of her life when she feels the ugliest, the most useless, and the most hopeless. There have been many days when we don't want to know what tomorrow will bring. Honestly, there have been conversations of not looking forward to tomorrow. But borrowing from the words of a famous song, "I don't know about tomorrow...But I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand."
I have learned a lot of things through this experience. I've learned not to faint at the sight of blood. I've learned to be gentle in my touch, even though I'm sure Glady probably hasn't experienced what I've learned yet. I've learned to appreciated the small but great things in life. Most of all, I've learned that God is greater than all our fears. For me, His voice, His leadings, His presence, and His Word...would have been more than enough. But He has overwhelmed us with all of you, and little by little has sent us His love and care through you. There has been many a dark day in the Reyes household these past year, but God has lit up the place and made it disappear many times. I've learned He is the light, not merely at the end of the tunnel, but the light as you go through the tunnel. And as much as the whole journey still feels very much like a tunnel, God has his own little surprises in the journey. Surprises that show His love and care, and we've learned and chosen to say, "it is enough for us to know that He's there..." The tunnel may not feel like a walk in a park...but if God is in the tunnel, we're pretty sure it's the only place we want to be in. I'm pretty sure we'll be in the tunnel for a while. But as I've learned from one of my favorite pastors, "God does His best work in caves." For those of you who have chosen to take this journey with us, I'm not sure how we can possibly thank you. Please know that whatever you've done and in whatever capacity you've helped us in, whether its just praying for us or giving your all, you have changed our world for the better. Thank you for taking the journey with us, and for those who choose not to leave us alone through this journey...I can only hope we can truly express our gratitude to you. God Bless You all.