Almost Done!!

Would you believe it's been almost 5 years since I started my chemo treatments?  The study I participated in started March 18, 2009. I had my second to the last appointment at the cancer center and the nurse who supervised my study was there and confirmed.  Unbelievable... I remember sitting there listening to the oncologist tell me that we had to change the course of treatment to chemotherapy rather than radiation due to the lymph node involvement. I couldn't see that far ahead and didn't think 5 years would ever come.

So happy to say that next month is my last one!!! Woo-hoo!!! I will be officially in remission for breast cancer then.... hopefully the endocrinologist can figure out what to do about the thyroid.... 

I am blessed and so grateful for all the love and support the my husband, family and friends have given. Through all the pain, the numerous surgeries, limited energy levels, depression, lots of blood tests, MRIs, MRVs, MRAs, etc, etc... you have stuck by me and held my hand and encouraged me to hold on. God has been faithful in every aspect of this journey. He sent people my way who pushed me the right way :-)

Thank you for the light at the end of this tunnel. I am so fortunate for the wonderful care I have been receiving... Counting the days until next month :-)

new tests/results

So I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago for my annual preventative care. Almost all is well.. she wanted me to go get an ultrasound. So I did and I got a call yesterday that the results were "borderline" and I need further tests and a visit to the doctor again to determine if a biopsy is needed.

I was getting ready for a work function when I got the call and I just felt the air go out of me. My rational mind said, "do not panic or think of the worst since you don't know for sure yet what's wrong".... and the irrational part of my mind said, "oh no, here we go again... inconclusive, borderline, only 5%..."   I had to literally tell myself to stop scaring myself. I feel a little better today. After talking to Frendell, who is my voice of reason and calms me down every time, I will look at this the same way we did @ the first diagnosis. Find out what's wrong and then come up with the strategies on how to deal with it.  I told him i had more concerns this time around, because I know that anytime something comes back a second time, it is always harder to deal with.

"One day and one problem at a time, honey" is what he told me. So, for now, I will wait until next month to see the specialist and then whatever will be the next step will be. It's easier to allow myself to freak out and panic a little bit, but I will not allow myself to do that.... I know that no matter what happens, God is still in control, Mahal will be my strength and together we will have the constant support of our family and friends.

Happy Sabbath...

Great checkup

So I saw the oncologist this week before I got my treatment. She answered all my questions:  the MRA, MRI and MRV all turned out to be fine. The double vision on the left eye is still present but she did not say I couldn't drive. So, that's great news for me :-)  Of course, they will continue to monitor it as well as the Graves disease. She said I have eczema and this may be the cause of some of my pigmentation discoloration in several parts of my body. I am officially HALFWAY done with my treatments!!!! I AM SO EXCITED about that!!! Woo-hoo!!!  Fortunately, it was Frendell's birthday yesterday when I went to the doctor, so I took him out to lunch and then celebrated with dessert afterwards. I am so grateful for so many blessings that God has given me and one of my greatest blessings is my darling Mahal. He has been my rock, my encourager, my  strength and I can always rely on him, no matter what I need. I am so thankful to have in my life... and I am so blessed to call him my husband. Happy happy birthday, darling and may God grant you more years full of happiness, peace and health. I have made appointments for my mammogram and also a pelvic exam to make sure that I'm not developing any problems there. I have a heck of a sinusitis infection, although fortunately for me, I am not showing too many symptoms for... well, let me re-phrase.. at least I am not having sinus headaches. I have been getting alot of colds and low-grade fevers and coughing all through this summer :-(  yuk  My sense of smell has also diminished quite a bit.  Other than that, I am doing well :-)  Praise the Lord for His grace and mercy and healing!!!  Juicing has worked; chemotherapy is working; exercise; eating well; having and living a life with purpose; having a wonderful and supportive and loving community; being grateful for all these gifts that have been given to me....so many factors are influencing the healing of my mind and my body.  And central to it all is God's grace and love for me. I am humbled by this experience and I hope that I am a better person today than I was before my cancer.

Until next doctor's visit, live with purpose and joy, love with passion and be grateful for your blessings.

Home Alone

Mahal has been gone for a week and it has been a little tough on me. He usually drives me to and from work and I am afforded the luxury of getting more sleep and not worrying about food or safety or anything. He is my comfort and my strength. This week has pushed me to do things I would not normally do. I have been taking the train in to work and it has been good to get more exercise and walk around. More than that, it has made me appreciate more my health, my opportunities and the family and friends that support and surround me when I need them.  Over the week-end, I didn't want to just stay home and be idle, so even though I was very tired, I made myself take the train downtown and take a walking historical architecture tour. I'm glad I went. The docent is a friend I used to work with. It was very  nice seeing him again and meeting his wife. Plus, I learned so much about the history and reasoning behind building the first skyscrapers... which happens to be in my city :-)  I got home exhausted... took a nap and woke up with a cold :-(

Sunday, I did some work outside in the yard... oh  my goodness. I don't think I've done that in years. My right arm was throbbing by the time I got done with watering the plants. I didn't even weed everything that needed to be needed. I couldn't find my garden shears so had to use a dull pair of scissors. I couldn't reach the flower planter box and had to push myself into the bushes so I could water them. The vegetables were wilted, but I have lots of basil  :-)  yummy... pesto...  In the afternoon, my dear friend brought her brand new baby boy and we spent the afternoon catching up on life and she gave me such encouragement and love and support that I was ready to face the week again.

Mahal comes home today and I am so eager to see him. I missed him... missed his company, his smile, his jokes and his laugh. I miss talking over what happened in the day with me.... I miss cuddling up to him at the end of the day and holding his hand in the car. I'm glad he's coming home... being home alone now doesn't seem too bad :-)

try to stay cool in this hot summer heat!!

Time has flown by....

Wow, it's been exactly 6 months since I've posted here.  So many things have happened and some new challenges have arisen. We were able to go on our mission trip middle of January to beginning of February. Coming home ended up being tricky because of the blizzard that hit our city before we even flew out of Manila. But all was well.

Came home, packed up the house to get ready to move at the end of February. The day before we moved, we had gone on a church retreat in Wisconsin and we had already exited the freeway and were 3 blocks away from home when a car hit us from the back. He was exiting the freeway because he left the scene of another accident in another city. He hit us so hard we were catapulted across the intersection into some bushes. Thank God for His protection. Even though the light was green on the cross traffic, no one was in the intersection. Otherwise, we would be been broadsided as well. To top it all off, both the driver and the passenger of the car tried to flee the scene. They were both caught. We both suffered from whiplash, contusions and muscle spasms. I had linear fracture in my left rib. But the show must go on.. I went to a seminar the next day and poor Frendell had to organize the movers for our move.

Two days later, on Mar 2, I had another eye surgery to repair my left lid. Same surgery as last August. things went well with that and i healed quite fast. shortly after though, I started to have vision dimming. It was like someone was turning off the lights and it happened at random times and places. Sometimes I was driving, other times I am walking outside or working on the computer. One time I was in the shower. It happened in both eyes and lasted about 5 minutes. It was usually accompanied by headaches. I thought I was just under a lot of stress and didn't really worry about it. But it happened several times a week and so I mentioned it to the occuloplastics doctor. He referred me to a neuro-opthalmologist. So, I went. He doesn't think there's anything significantly wrong, but just to make sure, he referred me to the neurologist. But when my primary found out, she right away ordered a brain MRI and blood work done.. she said as a precaution to make sure that I do not have brain tumor. Because of the history with cancer and HB pressure, she wants to be sure.  So, on  April 20, I had a brain MRI. Brain tumor has been ruled out. I finally saw the neurologist end of May and I thought he would just say, "oh, nothing to worry about.. don't worry about it". Apparently my left eye is now limited in range of motion at end range to the left.  I have had double vision since the fall due to the opthalmopathy from Grave's. So I told him this. But he just wants to be sure. So, he ordered me back for further tests: MRI, MRA and MRV. What?!? I didn't even know what MRA and MRV stood for. Now I know. MRA - magnetic resonance angiogram. These checks the arteries (for me it was the brain) to see if there's any clots or aneurysm. MRV - magnetic resonance venography - used to assess abnormalities in blood vessels.  They recommend this when one has frequent headaches to make sure there are no blood clots in the brain.  Well, I'm still waiting for the results.

The first MRI showed that I have a pretty significant sinus infection on the right. Funny thing, I've never had a sinus headache, although I have lost my sense of smell.

And the most recent blood test taken earlier this month showed that my thyroid levels are kinda going out of whack again. So I've been put back on medication for Grave's again. The first time I took it again, I had really back nausea for a couple of days. I am scheduled for a repeat US of the thyroid in early July. Of course, another blood test to see if the levels have improved with the meds.

Okay, so that's the latest medical things going on. I wanted to write about my birthday surprise from our MG church but I guess it will have to wait until the next time... this is quite long already....  night :-)

And off we go

It never ceases to amaze me how fast time really flies. Can't believe it's been over 2 years since our last mission trip. After so many challenges, I can't believe that we are on our way to another mission trip. It has been very humbling to see God orchestrate this whole trip. We couldn't have planned it to work out the way it has. Wow!! Mahal & I are flabbergasted at the generosity and support that people have given us. We want to be faithful to the work that has been entrusted to us... 


Please keep us in your prayers. I have been sick more than twice the past month. I have a sore throat and have been coughing. I have not had much rest or sleep and it will be a very long flight.  I am so thankful that Mom & Dad & Froy are here to help us organize, pack and sort through things. I still have to pack some more things, but the end is in sight.


I will try to update as much as I can, but if I can't, I will post when we get back. God bless you all and I hope you experience miracles in your life daily :-)  talk to you again soon!! 

Dr's appointment

Today was treatment day. Sometimes when I go to Clinic E there's no one there but me and a couple of stragglers... today, there was a steady flow of people coming and going. They must've moved the kid's clinic coz there haven't been as many kids during this time as it has been in the past. I wonder where they moved the kids to or what day they have clinic now. Even though the place looks festive with all the garlands and Cardinal Bernadine's tree enclosed in glass by Clinic A, it made me realize the cancer does not take a holiday. We were there to be checked by the doctor so we can get our treatments.. shots or IVs. Some were making plans for their Christmas celebrations but others were talking about radiation and chemotherapy and medications. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a day or two where no one gets sick and there are no treatments and no medications and no clinic Es...


After that, I had to hurry to get to my eye doctor's appointment. Contacts are doing well and looking well. It has been hard trying to figure out which lenses would work for me. This fluroperm seems to do the trick so far. Dr. Russo suggested that I order n extra pair to take on the mission trip. I didn't know how my eyes would adjust to the contacts so I ordered an extra pair of glasses instead. The lenses do feel better compared to the other ones but it still moves out of position when I blink. At least it doesn't go to the very corners anymore like the other ones and if it does, I have a rubber suction to take it out. A pretty nifty device. He said the eyelashes at the bottom lid were really poking my corneas and he's afraid that it would infect my eye. So, even though I did not want to and he put like 4 drops of anesthesia in both eyes, he plucked my bottom eyelashes. I really wanted to screen!!! and I wanted him to stop. But, he is concerned about scratches in my cornea. Such a horrible thing to go through. Not as bad as being awake during eye surgery but bad enough. I told him I will ask Dr. Yoo to surgically remove the inner layer of my bottom eyelashes, that way I don't have to go through this again. i was so afraid he would poke my eye with the tweezers but he was very gentle and reassuring the whole time. Me? I whimpered and cried because it hurt so bad even with the numbing agent in my eye. He also did it with my contacts on... and this time, he removed about 12 on the left and about a couple on the right.  I'm glad that's over with. Tonight, when Mahal put the ointment in my left eye, he said that it looks cleaner and it was easier to put the ointment because there was no barrier to keep it out. 


I saw my patient today. I walked in their house and they had their tree all set up with very nice decorations. The baby & I sat on the floor under the tree. It was nice coz they had the lights on. I told the Mom & GM that I like sitting there working with the tree lighted up. I haven't had the energy the last 3 years to put up a tree or decorate for the holidays so it was nice to just be able to sit there and enjoy the tranquility it brings. 


after that, I came home and rested... and did some work at the end of the day... i'm very sleepy now and if I have alot of typos, please excuse me. I'm very sleepy and I can't see a thing because of the ointment in my eye. till next time :-)  UPDATE: respiratory bacterial infection is almost completely done and my voice is back. I've taken antibiotics for 5 days now.. pretty potent stuff. The gastroenteritis is still there in terms of stomach cramping and nausea. Today after treatment, the nausea was pretty yukky. Thankfully I found some ginger candy that a friend recommended from Trader Joes. At least it gave a distraction because the candy is very spicy.


I'm very sleepy & I'm falling asleep trying to type.. so if there are alot of mistakes, please excuse me.  take care :-)

no voice

So I went to the doctor today, since I've progressively gotten more congested since Wed. It's not strep but some other kind of bacterial infection. I'm on antibiotics for the next 5 days and mucinex to help with the coughing. I've kinda lost my voice and have to talk in 'falcetto' voice since my voice is cracking every time I talk. I've been really tired and cold and generally don't feel too well. I went to the cancer center to get a new sleeve. I like wearing the sleeve because it really does make my arm feel better. I'm so glad they're there and I thank God that Frendell's got very good insurance coverage and they allow me a couple of sleeves a year if I need it. Since lymphedema is constant for me, this is actually my second sleeve this year. 


So, I'm supposed to be on a bland diet since I continue to have stomach pains. So I made some sotanghon soup. I had made rice soup yesterday with lots of ginger and that's kinda all I've been eating. The sotanghon soup turned out quite well considering I really didn't know how to make it. I think it would have been much better with chicken broth. But I prefer vegetarian and it was still very tasty.  I was told to just rest and take it easy until I feel better.  I hope this won't get worse. I really didn't want to get sick before our trip... we're having a snow storm this coming week-end too. If I felt better, i would have tried to make some vegan cookies to eat with tea or hot cocoa. Oh well.... 


have a great week-end and hopefully next time I log on, my voice will be back :-) 

Oculoplastics

Today after breakfast I was besieged by severe stomach cramps and feelings of nausea.  I was breaking out in sweat and I could not finish drying my hair as I got ready to see Dr. Yoo, my oculoplastics doctor. I had to cancel two appointments, one for evaluation and the other for treatment. I finally made it to the doctor and thankfully did not have to wait too long to be seen. But the news is not good. Dr. Yoo did give me the okay to go on the mission trip, but as soon as we get back, i have to see him again and then we will schedule for another surgery to lower the left corner of my left eye. He said that it is not retracting as much as I think it is, but it is retracting and we need to do something to protect the cornea. He would also do a biopsy of the eye muscle tissue so I will have no doubts that it is indeed Graves disease. He said that the antibodies do make changes in the muscles of the eyes and this is one way they determine for sure that one has Graves disease, after all the blood work and other symptoms. This is his response to my question, "do you think that it may be something else? that I may have another kind of eye disease?" He said, "No. But the reason your eye is still getting worse is that you still have your thyroid. As long as the thyroid is there, it will still produce antibodies, even though your thyroid levels are more normal now". So, there you have it. Another surgery next year... but he said this time, it won't be as extensive or as long.


After that appointment, I then went to the lab to get some blood work done. A couple of hours later, Dr. Mahzari called me and told me that my white cell count is somewhat higher and she thinks that I may have 'gastroenteritis". My liver function is marginal as well, but she doesn't think that it is related to the problem I was having. Anyways, she wants me to call Dr. F, so I did and I was recommended to stay home and keep hydrated with clear liquids. If I'm still not feeling well in the morning, they want me to stay home. They don't think I'm contagious but since I work with babies, I must take precautions. I hope I feel better soon. I've just been resting all afternoon and I still feel tired :-(

Elizabeth Edwards

I heard yesterday that Elizabeth Edwards had lost her battle with cancer. Although I am not personally acquainted with her, it was her book RESILIENCE that I read when i first started treatments last year. It seemed like I was at the cancer center every week, for blood work, doctor's appointments, etc and I brought that book along and read while I was waiting. She showed so much strength, dignity and courage as she faced so many different devastating events in her life. One thing she wrote has stuck with me: "Cancer has changed you and changed you forever. You will never be the same person again... but change does not necessarily mean it's bad.. change is just change".  I underlined those lines, memorized them and then believed them. During the darkest moments I faced, when I wished all the pain will just be done already, I remembered those lines and said them out loud and re-assured myself that I am changed, but the change may actually be better. And now, 18 months after I started the treatments and 2 years post-diagnosis, I know I have changed for the better. I am more focused and the focus is on what's really important in life: God, family and my purpose. Everything else fall's under that, right?  I am sad today because I know that Elizabeth's children and her family are grieving and will be missing her. She lived such a public life and has shown grace through it all. I admire her courage and her purpose to live her life for her children.  I'm glad that she wrote her book.. she has shown that we as human beings are RESILIENT and we can and do make a difference, even if it's just for one other person. I'm glad she fought and fought valiantly and I'm so grateful she shared her story with us... I will be forever thankful that she embraced the changes that breast cancer has brought in her life; in doing so, it had given me the courage I needed  to embrace the changes that happened to me. Good-bye, Elizabeth and thank you for sharing yourself with others...

Eye doctor

So I saw the eye doctor again yesterday. I am now on my 3rd pair of contact lenses since June. The first was soft, toric lenses. The 2nd was gas permeable and this last one is too, but it's a different kind of plastic. I forgot what its called. But it has the ability to get high 'grade' and still be thinner than the other lenses. It feels better this time around although it still catches on my eye lids every time I blink. So it always has to reposition. I'm also scared that it will just 'pop' out of my eyes, especially since my eyes are drier these days. The left lid is retracting again,; people can tell now even when I'm wearing my glasses. So I will try these lenses for the next 2 weeks and see how they will feel. The doctor is pretty cool though, he said that I can return the 2nd lenses so I don't have to pay for these ones. That's pretty good, otherwise I would've spent so much money just for contacts.  I had to order another pair of glasses to take to the Philippines. I got plastic lenses this time around. I don't know  if it will fit too well though, since my nose bridge is flat :-(  :-)  Anyways, i wanted an extra pair just in case something happened to these glasses; I wouldn't be able to see without them. 


Life has been moving along. The endocrinologist has again lowered my thyroid meds dosage. The last blood test is showing normal levels. We are closely monitoring for symptoms and also the white cell count. I told her that the symptom most prominent is my eye is getting bigger again. I'm getting really frustrated with this whole thing. I'm afraid I may have to have another surgery in a month or two to make sure that my eye is protected from injury or infection. It's not closing completely and it hurts to close it at times. Ah, the joys of having Graves disease. 


I'm so tired all the time, I can't seem to get enough sleep. There's so much to do to get ready for the trip and I'm afraid I'm forgetting things. It's been exactly two years since we came back from the first mission trip. Actually, exactly 2 years ago I had my second lumpectomy; they removed the sentinel node to check for cancer and tried to remove another mm or two to get clearance on the perimeter. I had to get radioactive shots the afternoon before my surgery. That was very painful. Almost as painful as being awake for the eye surgery and also having a breast MRI.  They injected the 4 sides of the breast with no anesthesia or anything. I could feel it going in and the doctor was trying very hard to distract me. The next day, while I was in surgery, they made a cut on the sentinel node to send to pathology to check for cancer. It came back negative, so they closed that site up and then proceeded to remove another mm or two around the perimeter of the first partial mastectomy.   They thought the cancer was contained in the breast, if not the tumor. A week before Christmas, we went back for the pathology results. Would you believe that less than 5% of patients get a negative result and then when they do the pathology on the rest of the node, it actually is cancerous? What are the odds? Well, for me, that was the case. They found that the cancer had metastasized to the lymph nodes. The also could not get clearance for me to do radiation. The verdict was: try again for the 3rd time or have the mastectomy to make sure all the cancer has been removed from the breast. The surgeon suggested the mastectomy with tandem reconstruction. I already had 3 surgeries in one year, they didn't one me to have an extra one. I remember I cried when she told me that and Frendell just held me. The surgeon was very nice and she held my hand and told me she wanted me to talk to a plastic surgeon before we scheduled the surgery. She said I was still young and it was important psychologically for me to weigh in all my options before my surgery. I remember calling Ats on the way home from the hospital and crying and asking her to come over when I have my surgery. My story changed that day. Instead of having this minor surgery, radiation and have a good life, I now faced more surgery and course of treatment changed to chemotherapy. Those were very dark and hard days for me... sometimes I wonder how we lived through it. All our family flew in to town that Christmas. I begged Frendell to move closer to Loyola as I could not think of doing chemotherapy (at that time they were thinking 8 cycles every 3 weeks) while driving an hour or so each way. I wanted to be close to my doctors. Rachel got married after Christmas that year. I wanted to go but I just had surgery and I didn't feel that well yet. Already my energy level was affected and we were packing to move before my mastectomy, which was scheduled for January. How we survived, only God knows. But He sent our families, our church families, our friends to comfort, to provide, to hold our hands, to give us hope..... I was numb and just went through the motions. Poor Mahal took the brunt of things as he had to carry all the burdens... packing, planning and driving me back and forth to the hospital for more tests, to meet with more surgeons and get more blood work done... always more blood work...


Wow, sorry for the long walk back to yesterday. I am feeling so much better today. I am thankful to be alive. I am grateful we have another opportunity to go on another mission trip. God has been faithful and I can testify that He gives me hope every day...

oncology visit

Yesterday I had an appointment to see Dr. Robinson. It was eerily quiet for a Wednesday morning clinic; but then again it was the day before Thanksgiving and so maybe lots of people rescheduled their clinic appointments. I walked in through the glass door and the receptionist, Candy, greeted me by name. They are all very friendly at this clinic - one of the reasons I like coming here... but it really hit me how many times I've been there. People ask about my holiday plans, ask where my husband is (he usually comes in with me), am I cooking? am I staying in town or going to Cali? Wow! Not only do they treat my cancer, they really do treat my spirit as well. They are interested in me and my well-being. This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for so many things and one of them is that I have wonderful medical care and wonderful medical people who care about me. They have become my friends in this sterile world of cancer...


Dr. R is always an inspiration to me. She encourages me to travel, to do as much as I can handle but also to watch my stress level. She wants to make sure I am getting enough rest and sleep. She told me that she needs to speak with the endocrinologist because the thyroid medicine may be affecting the meds I'm taking for the cancer. Because I am in a study, she checked with the protocol board if I can take another medicine but was told no, it had to be this particular one. And, so far, it is the best medicine for the type of cancer I had. So, she will call Dr. M to figure out if I can take a different one for the thyroid. I showed her how my eye is retracting again and that the eye disease has not stabilized yet. I sure hope it will soon so maybe I don't have to have another surgery; but if it continues at the rate its going, i will need to have surgery again I think. I see oculoplastics in 2 weeks so we'll see what he says. Another thing we talked about was the lymphedema... I've had more swelling and a lot more pain on that arm, so she told me to massage it at least twice a day and put on my sleeve...


When I walked out of clinic E back upstairs to wait for Frendell, I couldn't help but notice that there were a lot of people there now. I guess cancer does not take the day off for the Thanksgiving holiday. People were there getting chemo, getting their blood work done, waiting for their doctors. I myself had to go to the Oakbrook campus to get my blood work done. I walked in the clinic and there was a long line of people checking in. I thought everyone would be driving/flying to grandma's house for Thanksgiving. Anyways, I had to wait for a little while but got it done. I'm there once a month so the lab tech is also starting to remember me and what's going on with me. 


Later on, I saw my patient. Poor thing was sick and was wheezing so we just took it easy for therapy. Last evening, we had our Thanksgiving program at church. I was so tired and exhausted but I really wanted to attend. It has been 3 years since I've been able to go to the Thanksgiving program on Wed night. Two years ago, we were in the Philippines for our mission trip in November and we arrived home on Thanksgiving day, so we missed that. Last year, I don't think I felt well enough to go so I missed that too. This year, I actually feel like I'm coming out of the fog and even though I was tired, I didn't have a cold and didn't have a lot of nausea, so I was happy to be able to go. It was a long program though and it was midnight before we were able to leave for home.


I know I am thankful, first and foremost to God, for He is good, His mercy and love overwhelms me. Second, I am thankful for my wonderful Mahal; this man never complains about driving me to different Loyola campuses so I can see my doctors, get my blood work done, get tests and scans done.... he waits with me in sterile looking waiting rooms and holds my hand to warm me up and to reassure me that he is there with me. Third, I am thankful for our families and our friends, both by birth and by choice/adoption, far and near, they touch us with their love and unwavering support. It is humbling to know how much people love and care for us. Fourth, I am speechless at the love and support our church families continue to give us. They have been through this whole journey with us, from my back injury/surgery, through the cancer and now with Graves disease. They have given emotional, spiritual and tangible support and have touched us in more ways than we can imagine.  Fifth, I am thankful for the many opportunities that have been given me. I am able to work more these days. But most importantly, I think, is the realization of what "gift" having cancer has brought me. I know two things have more clarity for me today: a. my faith is secure in a God who is alive and loves me no matter what and it is to my benefit to remember that He is there with me, no matter what challenges I am facing; and b. I am not thankful that i have had to experience pain and loss, for both have been great and hard for me, but that in spite of pain and loss, I can be thankful and have an attitude of gratitude. It is more clear to me now that I can give praise and honor and thanks to God no matter how dire the situation looks, no matter how much in pain I am, no matter how hard life seems to be. For He knows; for He is good; for His mercy endures forever.


I have so many things to be thankful for, today I am so thankful I am alive and am able to experience community with others. So, as you look around your Thanksgiving table today, remember to say a word of thanks, for those who are there and for those who have gone ahead, for each life has meaning and each life that surrounds you has touched you and changed you. What a humbling opportunity.... the power to change and influence a life. Hope indeed... happy Thanksgiving!!

treatment day

So, another day for a shot... had to wait for quite a while, since the nurse had to call the doctor to sign the order and then my medicine had to be ordered at the lab, mixed and then I can get my shot. Oh well... today was the first time I did not flinch when she stuck me with that needle. I had to self talk when I anticipated it. There have been at least two or three times when she's had to re-stick me on the other side because she said the needle won't go in because my muscles are too tense.  The wonderful thing about this whole schedule is that since I have to get in done every 4 weeks, my shot in January can be done the day before we fly out to the Philippines. Yeay!! Although i don't know if I'd like to have a sore hip and nausea for the 16-hr flight to Manila. We'll have to see...  and the eye doctor called to say that they have new lenses for me... i sure hope they work this time around. My left eye has retracted back alot again and I'm not sure if he'll recommend surgery once again... all is wait and see... in the meantime, another treatment day to check off the calendar :-)  Yeay!!!

scratched cornea

So I went to the eye doctor today. I had put on  my lenses this morning and low and behold it slipped to the corner closest to my eye. I tried to "blink" it out for a good 15 minutes, with no success. I asked Mahal to try and take it out, still couldn't do it. Finally got to the doctor's and thankfully they called me in as soon as I got there. The tech gloved up, put some anesthesia drops in my left eye and 'plucked it out'. His mistake, however, was instructing me to put them back on "so the doctor can see how they fit". Anyways, more lines to read, more bright light... in the end, the doctor told me not to wear the contacts for now and let the eye heal. He will talk to the lab and see if they can make some lenses that are not as thick as these ones and we'll go from there. He also adjusted the grade of the right lens so hopefully, if I do get new ones, I will be able to see better.


In the meantime, he gave me a plunger... really, literally a small plunger to suction out the lens if it ever slips off to the corners of my eye again (it has done so every day this week). Anyways, we'll see what the oculoplastics will say when I see him next month. It could be that my eyeballs are just bulging out more, and this combined with my high grade, makes my eyelids 'catch' the lens when I blink, causing it to move a bit. I'm just glad the eye doctor has not given up yet... we'll see what happens... it may be that I cannot wear contacts anymore :-(  in the meantime, I hope my corneas heal soon.. it really hurts alot...

EKG & chest xray

This week was a week in the hospital again. I had to get some blood work done to check my thyroid level and white count level and get titers for my HEP B levels. I hope that I still have the antibodies so I only have to get a booster shot, rather than get the whole series again. I also had to get a chest x-ray and EKG. Today I got a call from the doctor about my thyroid level. Woo-hoo!!!! Normal as of today!!! So, she will cut down to 5mg and recheck the thyroid level again in a month to make sure that it's staying at normal. Unfortunately for me, my left eye lid has been retracting again and it feels very dry and tears up alot. It's also difficult to keep my hard contacts in and whenever I close my eyes, if feels like it will come off. The endocrinologist told me that unfortunately there's nothing we can do about the eye disease; the antibodies have a mind of their own and has taken it's own course. I hope and pray that it will stabilize soon so hopefully I won't have to have surgery again soon. I haven't heard yet about the EKG and chest x-ray, so I'm thinking all's well there, otherwise I'm sure I'd have heard by now.


Life has been steadily getting busy. I have finally finished packing the 3 additional boxes we need to send ASAP to Mindanao. Please pray with us that they get there by the end of the year. I was hoping to be able to buy some chocolates on sale this coming Monday to put in the boxes, after halloween sales. We'll see....but the boxes will be sent on Tuesday for sure. It has gotten colder here as well and the first part of this week, it was cloudy, windy and sometimes rainy... we have had a windstorm go through several times. Bbbrrrrr.... winter is just around the corner... leaves have mostly fallen down.... great time to bake cookies and make soup. So, I'm baking vegan chocolate chip raisin walnut cookies. I can't seem to get the sweetner level quite right. I used blue agave today and I think it's too sweet.... I'll make some tea and have some fresh-baked cookies... yummy.. come on over and keep me company :-)  have a great week-end!!!

Mammogram

Today I was scheduled for my mammogram. Just one of those things I have to do... and because of my history, the tech told me that it's always classified as a diagnostic mammogram and not just the routine one. Plus because I just had an MRI done in Feb, they want to make sure everything is alright as well.  Even at 8 in the morning, there were already 6 of us waiting to be seen. There is a sense of camaraderie in the locker room, as we're all exchanging stories. One lady is a survivor for 25 years. She was nervous because they called her to come back in and she was afraid they found something. One lady was there because her aunt died of breast cancer last Nov. Another lady was diagnosed 2 years ago like I was. We compared notes and she was surprised to find out I had 2 different kinds of cancer. She thought there was only one kind: breast cancer. I told her there's at least 6 or more different types of breast cancer. I was shocked she did not know that, after all, she herself had cancer. I told the ladies if we had to wear these drafty gowns, they should at least make them pink. So I told this to the tech when she took me to the back. She told me that years ago, they had robes that the ladies could wear, warm, comfortable, not drafty robes. I asked her what happened. She said that they started disappearing. They'd be sent out to be laundered and less and less came back. It became a hassle to keep track of them so they resorted back to these good, ole blue drafty gowns. I was incredulous!! People stealing gowns that people wear for mammograms. How wrong is that?!?  


After that, I headed to the cancer center for my treatment injection. It is a scary realization that you've been around someplace so many times that people at the front desk can now call you by your first name and they just ask you for your birth date because it's a requirement to check you in or give you medication. The clinic nurses even give me sympathetic smiles since I was waiting for over an hour for the pharmacy to mix up my medicine. I tell you though, there is comfort in knowing that people there know me and they're looking out for my well-being. Even when I check out, they know to schedule me exactly 4 weeks from today, first available and no need to fill out a card. I'll be there :-)  I don't mind the wait so much. I have some books that I specifically take with me to these appointments and I've finished several of them already, all from waiting :-) for treatment or other things.


Finally after that, I headed back to the outpatient center. I'm telling you, by the time I went to all my appointments, I must have walked at least 1/4 to 1/2 a mile. Not that I'm complaining. Loyola does cover an entire block of buildings. Anyways, on to try my new gas permeable contact lenses. I was a little nervous, since I've only worn soft contacts since I was 16. It wasn't too bad. At first I couldn't see a thing and I thought, oh now, I've either not put it in correctly or they got the wrong prescription. I think the tech was hungry and eager to go to lunch. When the doctor came in, he rewashed and re-rinsed the contacts and I could see better :-)  In checking it out though, it was discovered that the right one needs to be a little bit stronger, as I can only see 20/40; the left is a cool 20/20. I told them I couldn't see any more beyond that line. It still annoys my eyes but I'm getting used to it. I've had to learn a whole new way to put them on and take them off. I hope this will help me see better... we'll see what my tolerance level will be.


After that, Frendell came and took me home. I'm so tired but I'm glad all those things are done. More appointments to schedule, more blood work scheduled next week. As soon as we got home, Frendell just gave me a huge hug and told me, "Honey, I hope that you'll be alright. I hope everything will work out soon". I wonder where that came from. Many times he hides how he feels and I never know what he's thinking. But once in a while, I get a glimpse of his uncertainty and worry for me. I know he's concerned, he just doesn't always voice them out. And frankly, I thought by now, my doctors appointments would be less... some are, but then new ones are added. I tell you, nothing like character development, right?  So, we plug along and do what we can. But the most important thing I read today from the book, Plan B by Pete Wilson, is that God is always with us in whatever circumstances we're going through. No matter how hard, how easy, how fun, how sad... God is always there.. and that's the most important thing He wants us to learn. The outcome does not matter. What matters is that we understand to our core being that He is there, that He understand, that He is reliable, that our hope rests in Him.  

Sick

The boxes were finally picked up last Friday... packed, taped, sealed and sent on it's way to Tawi-tawi, Mindanao. I hope and pray that the boat leaves port soon. Anyways, with our packed schedule since the beginning of the month and little down time, I think everything has caught up with me and I got sick. It started as a sore throat, then a sneeze, then a cough and low-grade temp. I just feel miserable and can't lay down at night or else I start coughing. Aaarrggghhh... I've been trying to hard not to get sick.. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.  I was so sad to have missed the visit of our friend from college. Art is in town for a convention and he went to church last Sabbath. Frendell was able to visit with him, but I stayed home because I had a temp and was coughing and just felt miserable. It's been almost a week since I started feeling sick and it seems to be lingering.


Oh well, this is hospital week for me.... today, I say the PCP. Can I just say how pleased I am with my doctors? I told her about the mission trip and asked her opinion. She was also excited when she heard about it; she had an uncle who was a missionary in the Philippines years ago. Anyways, she talked about the vaccines and shots I need to get before we go. She also asked me to verify how close the nearest hospitals were in the villages where we're going. She wants to make sure I would bring medication. She has referred me to the travel clinic so I can get some of my shots there. I will need about 6 shots and maybe malaria pills. Unfortunately there is not vaccination for denge fever, which seems to be rampant there right now. She told me to make sure to bring  insect repellant with DEET and also bring mosquito net. She did a physical and she wants to get some blood work done. She wants me to get the flu shot.. she's concerned about the H1N1 virus and she said that due to the meds I'm taking, my immune system is more compromised. She is glad that my white cell count is being monitored. She asked if the other doctors are aware of my plans. I told her yes... she makes 3/4 of the doctors who have approved of me going. I was so excited. She did discuss some things to do if I start feeling some symptoms when I'm there. Most important is if I even develop a sore throat, I need to stop taking one of my meds and try to get my white count checked as soon as possible. There are still some things to work out, but at least I've gotten the okay to travel. AFter she told me that I may need to get at least 6 shots/vaccinations, I told her I would have reconsidered had I known that ahead of time :-)  After she was done, the nurse came in and gave me 3 shots: flu, hepatitis A (I need to get the 2nd of the series in 6 months) and tetanus. The nurse was pretty amazing. The shots were barely stings and she didn't even tell me that I needed to relax. I may need to have the Hep B series done again or if my antibodies are still present, I may just need a booster. She strongly recommended  a rabies shot, just in case...  Just recently the CDC has posted a new virus found in chickens? And also something similar of hand, foot, mouth disease, something called Japanese encephalitis. I have a whole printout to read of all the things recommended. I've told Frendell to schedule a physical ASAP so we can complete our vaccinations... don't want to get shots right before we leave. I tell you, planning for overseas travel is so much more extensive now that it has ever been for me. I am grateful that I have people who can help me with this aspect of the planning. Most of all, I'm so thankful for the opportunity to go on this mission trip. I pray that nothing else comes up with me health-wise in the next several months... here we go.....

Packing up the boxes

This week is hospital week, as I call it. So many tests and doctor's appts. This month has been very busy for me and I think it finally caught up. The first week-end of the month, we had the first Filipino convocation, followed the next day by an anniversary celebration of our good family friends. That week, I tried very hard to pack as many of the boxes we needed to send to the Philippines. I finished 3 of the 5. We left that Tuesday to go to Atlanta for a leadership conference. Catalyst Leadership Conference is an annual tradition for us... we've been going the past 10 years and it's changed our lives and our paradigms drastically. We always learn something new and every year, we think it's the best and there's not way they can top it, and every year they have surprised us. It's as if the speakers are right here with us, facing the same challenges we're facing and then they go out there and give you pointers on how to meet these challenges head on. It's a very cathartic experience... I've learned more about myself and my spiritual walk whenever we go to Catalyst.


So we came home that following Sunday. On our drive home, we decided to stop by a national park in the southern part of the state. We took a little 2-land country road to cross from Kentucky to Illinois. In the map, it did not say that there was not road to cross the Ohio river. We had to cross by ferry... and what do you know, that week-end, there happened to be a gathering for bikers somewhere north of the river. So the ferry operators and the locals who were lined up ahead of us waiting told us that usually there's about 4 or 5 cars waiting on either side of the river, waiting to cross. That day, there were probably over 20 cars on each side. Problem is, the ferry can only hold 12 cars, 15 if there are no trailers... and then they try to fit in as many motorcycles as would fit. It was quite interesting. I took some pictures. It was quite a surprise and took us 1 1/2 hrs before we could cross. By then, it was too late to go to the state park. So, we just found a nice place to eat, had dinner and drove on home. Met some interesting people while waiting for the ferry, though. Maybe next year, we'll try to get down to visit that national park... it's called Garden of the Gods... lots of hiking trails there...


Came home and finished packing the rest of the boxes. God has really touched so many people's hearts with this mission trip. One of the kids I see for therapy goes to a daycare center. The teacher heard about our upcoming trip and donated several bags of clothes, school supplies, some toys, etc. Some of our church members in both Chicago Fil-am and Morton Grove Fil-am donated clothes and school supplies as well. I had to pace myself when I packed the boxes, coz I would end up with lymphedema every time I overused my right arm. I shouldn't have been surprised by people's generosity... but as I packed the boxes, it was as if God was reminding that He is the one orchestrating all of this. He was gently reminding me never to presume that I know what is best or to think that I know what is in someones heart. He nudged me alot and told me stop judging people's motives because I don't know what and who will be blessed by what has been given. It is a painful realization to face my own prejudices and even my pride, but as I packed those boxes, I found myself praying and asking for forgiveness for my own selfishness and my presumptions. I asked that my agenda be what God's agenda is and not my own selfish ones. I continue to find out that my faith is not nearly as strong as I thought it was. There was a huge part of me that kept wishing that we could pack up and send all the things they wished for, like playground equipment and school supplies and balls and toys..... I had to surrender it all to God and trust that He will use what has been given as gifts for Him. I know that the people who have donated, either in money or in kind, have done so to Honor God.... so, may these gifts meet the needs of the people in Mindanao. And my most ardent request to God is that the boxes will make it there by the time we get there....

What Cancer Cannot Do

What Cancer Cannot Do

It cannot steal eternal life

invade the soul

shatter hope.

Cancer cannot

destroy peace

suppress memories

silence courage

conquer the spirit

kill friendship

corrode faith

cripple love.

I don't know who wrote this beautiful poem about what cancer cannot do. I don't even remember accurately where I found it; I think it was at the American Cancer Society website. I'm glad whoever wrote it decided to share it with others. And I share it with you, to share with those you know are facing or have faced their own journey through cancer. It cannot silence courage... it cannot corrode faith... it cannot cripple love.

A look back...2 years ago

I am sitting here reflecting on the last couple of years. I want to write here some excerpts from my journal from 2 years ago. "On Oct 2, 2008, Dr. Fearon called me at 9 o.m. to tell me that I have a "highly suspicious tumor, intracystic papillary carcinoma". After having a diagnostic mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, blood test, chest x-ray and an MRI, it was confirmed. We had many discussions between ourselves and then again with our medical team on what to do. We were scheduled to leave for a mission trip to Mindanao in 34 days. We decided that a lumpectomy will be done 2 weeks prior to our departure date to remove the tumor. This will be followed by our mission trip and then when we return, we will meet again as a team to decide on the course of treatment. They strongly suggest radiation as this has had the highest success rate in women who have had lumpectomies.

Through the announcement of our news 2 years ago, the floodgates of love, support and prayers have poured. We are truly blessed in more ways that we could have even imagined. My husband has held me and cried with me and talked with me about the changes that will inevitably happen to us. He has been and continues to be my tower of strength and courage. This has placed an unfair burden and responsibility on him and I pray that he will find comfort and relief through friends, family and support groups as we journey this road together. 

I am in awe of our family - the Velasco's and the Reyes's and everyone attached to them by blood or by marriage or by just plain adoption by love. They have been unfailing in their support, in more ways than possible to imagine. They have prayed, cried, flown here to be with us, sent flowers, cards, chocolates, oils, etc, more oils, etc, since my back surgery back in March 2008. What a blessed creature I am - to be surrounding by a loving, praying family - our anchor has been our faith in Jesus Christ. 

How do I even begin to express my gratitude to all our friends and church family, too many to name here, but so significant in how they've cheered us , comforted, supported and prayed for us and with us. On the night that my diagnosis was confirmed on 10/15/08, I was on the phone with Mom when I received a text from Mariezel. It said, "Let us know if you need n e thing cuz we R standing right outside ur window". Sure enough, at 10:30 p.m., Mariezel, Presa and Amabel drove to our house so they can share their love and comfort. I remembered thinking then that looking out my windows gave me the hope I needed at the time, when i saw the faces of my friends. We prayed, laughed and hoped and encouraged each other. I have always been fascinated by the beauty of windows - but that night I had a realization that windows are like doors of hope. When I look outside, I see friends who offer hope and prayer. When I'm outside looking in, I see warmth, comfort and love of family, sometimes friends, always my Heavenly Father. I call them my windows of HOPE. In the days that followed, so many other friends poured their love and support, from offering and giving me rides to my appointments, taking me to lunch, cooking for us, sending baskets of goodies, copying/faxing documents I needed for my state audit, listening to my fears and concerns and just being there with me, making sure I was not alone in facing those first confusing days from diagnosis. It boggles my mind how creative they have been and how they anticipated my needs before I even knew them. 

Through all the trials and challenges, my prayers is that i will decrease and God will increase. My His Name be honored and glorified in our lives, no matter what happens".  And so the story of our journey through breast cancer began... and 2 years later, we can honestly say that our faith has grown as we have grown through all the different challenges that we had to face. It is not always easy and there are still challenges even today, but we are surrounded by so many who have made sure we would not face these times alone. I fully believe that God orchestrated this whole journey so that I will learn that He is in charge of my life, that He knows what is best for me and most of all, that He will always be there for me no matter what happens, no matter what I face. It is a very difficult lesson to learn, but I am beginning to like the fact that I am learning it.