Reflections on my birthday

Two years ago on my birthday, i was journaling about how I missed my friend Deirdre, who had died suddenly the day after Mothers Day. I still miss her and at that time, i was writing about how death makes one re-evaluate priorities in his life.

Last night, before he went to bed, Frendell kissed me goodnight and told me that he was so glad that he gets to spend another birthday with me. After all we had gone through this past 18 months, he said that he was glad that I am here today for my birthday. Looking into his eyes, I could see my pain, struggles and a glimmer of hope reflected on them. I know he has suffered as much I as have. He has felt my pain and at times it was worse for him because he was watching his loved one suffering and couldn't do anything about it. I know he has felt my despair and despondency, especially since I've started my treatments. I know he keeps track of how much I sleep and watches me sleep at night as he told me last night that I seem to sleep better when I take the sleeping pill. I don't sleep much longer than I normally do, I just don't toss and turn as much.

It's 3 a.m. and I really should sleep now... but I wanted to write some things before I drift off to lalaland. This past 18 months have probably been some of the toughest I've had to face... and yet, they have been the most freeing to me as well. There is nothing like staring at death and being forced to review your life. There is no time like today to evaluate what is truly important and what is fluff. I've spent way too much time trying to be fluff, please people who are fluff and into fluff and get fluff... the many hours I've spent being up at night, not being able to sleep or read or be comfortable has given me time to think and reflect. Most importantly, it has allowed me the opportunity to process through some things and let them go. It has allowed me to be able to talk to God about the things I'm going through and how I'm feeling. It has given me the chance to tell Him about my pain, my distress, my confusion and finally, my hope that things will get better and I will feel somewhat normal again. It has given me the chance to question Him and in the quietest of moments, feel His re-assurance that He is there with me.

These quiet times have given me the chance to also appreciate my husband and our families and all the sacrifices that everyone's made for me, for us. I couldn't ask for a more supportive family.. no matter how many miles separate us, they were here when we needed them the most. Late night musings have also brought to mind the community of people God had provided and continue to provide and the plethora of loving acts they have done for us, and continue to do so. Just talking to a couple of friends today and getting a text from another made me happy to know that they cared enough to think of me... they wanted to know how i was doing. It is overwhelming to realize just how much I am loved; even when I don't "feel" it, I know it in my head and in my heart and I tell myself this out loud so I do not forget.

On this birthday, I have so many things to be grateful for. Life, family, friends, sun, rain, my plants (which I hope I won't kill), journeys of hope, medical interventions, freedom to worship God, growth moments, laughter, sleep... too many to list... the love that binds us and keeps us going, the human spirit that perseveres inspite of hardship... most of all I am so grateful for the love, patience and grace of my heavenly Father, for this is truly the hope that I hang on to in darkest hours of the night.

Happy birthday to me... I am thankful to be alive and I hope I will be here again next year to write and reflect...