Head doctor

So yesterday, I had my first appointment with the oncology psychologist. Her name is Dr. Mumby. She is very nice and asked me lots of questions. It was amazing to me how I really could just cry at the drop of a hat.. well, more accurately, at the questions she asked, "so why do you think you needed to see me". Oh boy, did that open the floodgates. I was thinking to myself, 'what in the world?'. Of course, she had to make sure I was not suicidal; I gave a list of my medications and what's been going on physically, emotionally and health-wise in the past several months. She listened, asked lots of different questions and I basically answered. Sometimes I didn't know how to answer her questions. She wants me to try and see if there is another class or group I can attend at the Wellness House that may fit my needs better, now that I am not in the acute stage anymore. I told her my confusion and the loss of control I feel, especially with my mood swings. I told her how uncomfortable physically it's been for me, because I feel hot all the time, with my binder and arm sleeve. She suggested I go back to PT (which I already am scheduled to do) to make sure I can use my right arm safely. Nothing earth-shattering happened... but it did allow me to sort out my thoughts, as I would say them and she'd jot them down and with her questions, I was able to see for myself the areas where I am struggling with.

Afterwards, when I had time to think about the session, I realized that it has been hard for me because the structure of my life has changed in the past 18 months, beginning with my back surgery. Pawn, in the early days after my back surgery, used to tell me that she couldn't imagine how I was feeling because I went from being busy every day, to now having to lay down and rest so that I could recover. It was tough then and it continues to be tough now. I told Dr. Mumby that it's sometimes easier when I've just had surgery, because then I know I need to sleep and rest so I can recover. It's harder when I have more energy, yet still have to contend with the pain and swelling. No longer needing to take pain pills that will make me sleep, but still have enough pain that you know it's there. Having to take naps during the day sometimes feels embarrassing to me, but most of the time I can't help it and have to do it. Oh well..

So, we'll see how the next several sessions go. She'll be on vacation next week, so we resume in July. I am hoping that just being able to talk to her will help me sort out what I need to do first in order to go back to work and be able to do all the others things I enjoy. I hope she'll be able to help me with my side effects of mood swings, so that Frendell will not suffer so much from it. Sorry Mahal... he has taken the brunt of all I've had to go through and experience. I hope he will also find healing in this experience.