Broken Pieces

Last Saturday, I was able to join the Lakeview SDA church as they cheered for the walkers who participated at the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. The weather was nice.. not too hot or too sunny. It was great to be able to be with so many people who wanted to show support to the community, especially those, who like me, have been affected by breast cancer. The walkers seemed to appreciate our meager efforts.... some even wiped tears from their eyes. I could barely walk my one mile last month... I can't imagine these people walking 20 miles each day for 2 days. Amazing. The crew told us that 4000 people registered for the walk. At our cheer station, there was a group from Ohio, who cheered for their friends who were walking. It was a neat experience for me.. and I'm glad that I felt well enough to go.

Our good friend Jose Bourget is the pastor for the Lakeview church. He was kind enough to ask me to share our story with breast cancer. It was a tough thing to do... it has been difficult to organize my thoughts and remember things lately. I don't really know if I made sense... mostly, I felt like I was tangential and babbled. Deep inside I felt like I was not answering anything he was asking me, and my mouth was opening but the words I wanted to say kept flying out of order. I muddled through it and got done, with God's help. I know one of the things I told myself was that if I was asked to share my story, I will do it, so that I will be able to share with others how God has been there with me every step of the way. I don't even know if I conveyed that. I wanted to share with the audience that through this experience, I am learning so many lessons... and I am trying to break my stubbornness and selfishness... and that the human spirit really does rally through hardships... and that God provides us with a community of family and friends who will see us through the tough times, because no man is an island, or should live like one. I wanted to say that prayer works and that brings comfort... I know I didn't get to say any of it, at least not in the way I wanted to say it.

I wanted to say that there are still alot of challenges that I face everyday... the hardest for me is the feeling of brokenness.. like I am torn in so many pieces and I've got to put them all back together. Today, I went for another treatment and also saw my oncologist. It was a very good visit.. I was able to address alot of my concerns and we were able to come up with some solutions.

1. Sleep - she prescribed some medication for me to try. She says it's important for me to get some sleep and rest and if meds will help, we'll try it out.

2. Distress - she said that she does not want to call it 'depression' at this time. It is a common and many times expected side effect for women who are taking these medications to experience emotional distress/changes in moods, etc. She suggested I talk to a psychologist who specializes in oncology to see if this will help me in starting to piece together the parts of my life that had to be put aside when I was diagnosed. She also thought that talking to someone may help me sleep better.

3. Pain - she said this may take time.. one, maybe two years. She said that lots of superficial nerves were cut during the surgery and some may regenerate, which will take time, but others may not.. so the numbness and tingling may be something I will have indefinitely.

4. Limited range - got another script for PT. My right arm, although I am able to use it more and more, is still limited in shoulder flexion and abduction... so I think I may return to therapy for some ROM exercises and maybe some scar massage.

5. Mammogram - yes, even though I'm not due for another 3 months, they have already scheduled me for another mammogram; the order was put in the computer last Feb when I saw the surgeon. I know so many women who put this off... I hope that they wouldn't... it could save their lives..

6. Sleeve for the arm - had to make an appt to get measured for a sleeve for my right arm to help keep the swelling down, especially when I walk and do things for longer periods of time.

Basically, she confirmed that most of the things I'm feeling are side effects of the meds I'm taking, like nausea, fatigue, funny taste in my mouth, feeling hot all the time, etc, etc. Hopefully, these are things that will fade in time... hopefully.

So, there is hope that the broken pieces will be gathered and hopefully glued back in place. The hardest thing to deal with right now is the mind, trying not to feel sorry for myself, finding that reason to get up and do something today... like walking, trying not to feel so cut off from the world.. from what i was familiar with, trying to find rest and quiet in my mind. Dr. R was very encouraging and told me it happens to alot of women who are used to a certain pace of living life, and then cancer has forced them to slow down; coupled with side effects and healing, it can be a devastating time... but there is always hope around the corner... I try to tell myself this too shall pass...

so, it is late again.. i will try and see if I can sleep.. hopefully 4 or 5 hours. Another day, another broken piece to pick up, dust and hopefully put back in place. some days I have the energy to try, other days, I do not