Counting My Blessings

On this sunday, I want to wish all the Dads in my life a Happy Fathers Day!! What would we do without our dads? they provide us with love, security, direction, goals, work ethics, morals and so many other things. we view relationships on the way our dads treated our moms and treated us as well. it's alot of responsibility to be a parent and I for one am grateful for all my parents and all that I've learned from them.

I am so blessed to have so many loving people in my life. Frendell took me out to lunch, a movie and some ice cream for my birthday. Friday night, we were invited to an anniversary celebration of 45 years of marriage. it was at a sushi restaurant in Skokie... it was a wonderful evening... delicious food and lovely company. Saturday, I felt well enough to go to church, although I was moving a little slow and made Frendell late. Sorry honey :-( After church, my friend Ann picked me up and we met up with our other friend Dana, went to lunch and spent some time just hanging out and catching up on life. It was a lovely time spent together...

Today is clean-up day. I started out with the guest bathroom and now have to take a break coz my arm is throbbing. But, I will try again after an hour to see how my arm feels then. I received so many wonderful gifts and so many warm and encouraging messages from everyone and I am so blessed and so humbled by everyone's generosity to me. Tomorrow, our friends Erbe and Jerma and their kids are flying into Chicago and will visit us before they head to Michigan for some meetings. I am so excited to see them again and we will find comfort and strength with our shared experiences.

I am thankful to have celebrated another birthday. I am thankful for all the wonderful people in my life, who called, sent cards, sent email messages, sent gifts, gave me hugs and kisses and wished me wonderful things, took me out to lunches and movies and ice cream and gelato :-)... thank you for taking such wonderful care of me. I am humbled by your love and care and I pray that God will continue to bless you abundantly as you have blessed me. My heart is overflowing and my smile is wide and I have hope that we will be able to spend more time with each other, as God wills it. May I live today honoring Him who has blessed me is so many ways. And when you read this blog, may you know that your encouragement has helped me get up today and want to do something. Have a great Fathers Day.. go hug a dad today...

Reflections on my birthday

Two years ago on my birthday, i was journaling about how I missed my friend Deirdre, who had died suddenly the day after Mothers Day. I still miss her and at that time, i was writing about how death makes one re-evaluate priorities in his life.

Last night, before he went to bed, Frendell kissed me goodnight and told me that he was so glad that he gets to spend another birthday with me. After all we had gone through this past 18 months, he said that he was glad that I am here today for my birthday. Looking into his eyes, I could see my pain, struggles and a glimmer of hope reflected on them. I know he has suffered as much I as have. He has felt my pain and at times it was worse for him because he was watching his loved one suffering and couldn't do anything about it. I know he has felt my despair and despondency, especially since I've started my treatments. I know he keeps track of how much I sleep and watches me sleep at night as he told me last night that I seem to sleep better when I take the sleeping pill. I don't sleep much longer than I normally do, I just don't toss and turn as much.

It's 3 a.m. and I really should sleep now... but I wanted to write some things before I drift off to lalaland. This past 18 months have probably been some of the toughest I've had to face... and yet, they have been the most freeing to me as well. There is nothing like staring at death and being forced to review your life. There is no time like today to evaluate what is truly important and what is fluff. I've spent way too much time trying to be fluff, please people who are fluff and into fluff and get fluff... the many hours I've spent being up at night, not being able to sleep or read or be comfortable has given me time to think and reflect. Most importantly, it has allowed me the opportunity to process through some things and let them go. It has allowed me to be able to talk to God about the things I'm going through and how I'm feeling. It has given me the chance to tell Him about my pain, my distress, my confusion and finally, my hope that things will get better and I will feel somewhat normal again. It has given me the chance to question Him and in the quietest of moments, feel His re-assurance that He is there with me.

These quiet times have given me the chance to also appreciate my husband and our families and all the sacrifices that everyone's made for me, for us. I couldn't ask for a more supportive family.. no matter how many miles separate us, they were here when we needed them the most. Late night musings have also brought to mind the community of people God had provided and continue to provide and the plethora of loving acts they have done for us, and continue to do so. Just talking to a couple of friends today and getting a text from another made me happy to know that they cared enough to think of me... they wanted to know how i was doing. It is overwhelming to realize just how much I am loved; even when I don't "feel" it, I know it in my head and in my heart and I tell myself this out loud so I do not forget.

On this birthday, I have so many things to be grateful for. Life, family, friends, sun, rain, my plants (which I hope I won't kill), journeys of hope, medical interventions, freedom to worship God, growth moments, laughter, sleep... too many to list... the love that binds us and keeps us going, the human spirit that perseveres inspite of hardship... most of all I am so grateful for the love, patience and grace of my heavenly Father, for this is truly the hope that I hang on to in darkest hours of the night.

Happy birthday to me... I am thankful to be alive and I hope I will be here again next year to write and reflect...

Sleep

So I've taken the sleeping aid and am waiting for it to take effect. I hope it's soon because I'm very tired. Some days I can handle not sleeping early or enough, but tonight I have a headache and I hope sleeping will help it.

Went to the Coleman foundation at the cancer center today. Got measured for a sleeve to wear on my arm and a glove for the hand; this will replace wrapping the arm. It's amazing that it comes in 6 different sizes: apple green, lavender, pink, black, beige, dark blue. She even said there's a company who makes them in leopard skin. Wow. It boggles my mind at the number of options available. I'll still with the basic beige :-) While there, the nurse, Lisa, was so very nice and understanding and very knowledgeable about fitting bras. I didn't expect to be measured for that and all, but I ended up being there for an hour and a half, trying on different bras and I think they're called 'support pieces'. She was very assuring that these are wonderful steps I'm taking towards getting/feeling normal again. So I have graduated from the camisole. The interesting bit was now its the left breast that is too small for the cup, so she fitted with me a support piece. Fascinating pieces of silicon that come in different shapes and sizes and will give just the right support and/or shape needed so that it evens out when one wears a bra. The change was amazing. I told her that I've noticed that people always looks down to my boobs to check it out when they've found out I've had a mastectomy. i guess it's a natural reflex to see if there's changes or not. She said people usually look at the nipple as the point of focus so she always wants to make sure that it draws the attention from there. I'm so grateful there's a place called the Coleman Foundation where they have nurses and other staff who are knowledgeable about different prosthetics, types of bras and camisoles, when it's a good time to move to the next level, etc. They really want to provide cancer survivors a healthier self-image. I'm excited to see if the new bra will help lessen the pain... I'm to try it for the next couple of weeks and then we'll see what will happen afterwards. She was so nice and i was so labile that soon she had me crying when she asked me how things have been going since surgery. I felt silly but she told me it's normal and is a side effect of the meds. she was so nice and gracious, I really appreciate her.

Sleep, sleep, sleep. the words are looking weird now, so it must be taking effect soon. good night.. I hope you don't let the bed bugs bite. I hope to get at least 5 hours of sleep with 1/2 pill. Frendell's already rubbed my arm and chest with all sorts of oils to help alleviate the pain. I'm having a hard time getting comfortable tonight.... don't know why...

sleep tight... dream happy things :-) sleep it off..... morpheus take me

Weird Dreams

I'm not exactly sure what happened last night... started taking some sleeping aid the night before and all day yesterday, I kinda felt 'groggy' and at times dizzy. Was waiting for Frendell to come home last night, but he got home very late, so I decided to go to bed. I had the weirdest dreams and felt like I couldn't wake up from them. At some point and time I thought I heard him trying to wake me up and ask me what I was doing. Other times I felt like I was in a glass room trying to find my way out. And I kept asking for help and no one could hear me. And I kept telling someone my arm was hurting and everyone I saw was turning around and away from me. It's always amazing how your feelings are affected as well when you're dreaming. I woke up today feeling very sad and perplexed... and have throbbing pain in my arm and chest. More and more, I'm thinking I need to have that surgery done.. maybe sooner rather than later.

I hope I sleep better tonight. I'm not sure if the medicine is helping yet.. may be too soon to tell. we'll see.. it's a nice day outside, maybe I'll go out for a walk and see if I can have some sanity in my day... i feel like I can't get a grip of my life right now and it's making me cry at the drop of a hat...

To have surgery, or not to have surgery

So this past week has been full of doctors appointments. Saw the plastic surgeon yesterday and talked about the pain in the reconstructed area, as well as the armpit and upper arm area. Of course, he re-iterated that the numbness, tingling and pain in the axilla and upper arm area are due to the nerves cut during the mastectomy and may take time to heal, if they ever regenerate. I know this cognitively... but it's harder to reconcile in my mind when I have shooting pain and tightness and all sorts of fun things going on there. He gave me leave to think about having another surgery again, to fix the reconstructed area and completely close the wound. He said this may or may not help with the pain. He told me to take as much time as I need to to decide. I'm not sure what to do. If I'm to have another surgery, a part of me wants to get it done and over with, so that the healing just continues. But a big part of me is not yet ready to go under the knife again. Plus, I need to know what the insurance will say about another procedure...

No matter how many times we've gone there and talked to him, I can't get used to the fact that I have to disrobe and we have to sit there and talk about my boobs and figure out what may be causing it's pain and how to fix it. He is very professional and always includes Frendell in the discussion, but I still get embarrassed about it. Of course, I forgot to ask him why my scars hurt... even though I already know the answer, I think. Oh well...

I continue with the side effects... stomach ache, nausea, funny taste in my mouth, tiredness... Frendell took me out to eat for dinner, and even the salad tasted funny to me. Imagine that... and I love salad. I couldn't sleep again until about 3:30 a.m. and woke up at 7 a.m. I am getting the sleeping aid prescription filled today and will take it tonight... I hope I will be able to sleep, I am very tired and my mind is very tired and I need to rest... or be distracted enough to rest. Next week brings more appointments... and PT still needs to scheduled... will it ever end?

Broken Pieces

Last Saturday, I was able to join the Lakeview SDA church as they cheered for the walkers who participated at the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. The weather was nice.. not too hot or too sunny. It was great to be able to be with so many people who wanted to show support to the community, especially those, who like me, have been affected by breast cancer. The walkers seemed to appreciate our meager efforts.... some even wiped tears from their eyes. I could barely walk my one mile last month... I can't imagine these people walking 20 miles each day for 2 days. Amazing. The crew told us that 4000 people registered for the walk. At our cheer station, there was a group from Ohio, who cheered for their friends who were walking. It was a neat experience for me.. and I'm glad that I felt well enough to go.

Our good friend Jose Bourget is the pastor for the Lakeview church. He was kind enough to ask me to share our story with breast cancer. It was a tough thing to do... it has been difficult to organize my thoughts and remember things lately. I don't really know if I made sense... mostly, I felt like I was tangential and babbled. Deep inside I felt like I was not answering anything he was asking me, and my mouth was opening but the words I wanted to say kept flying out of order. I muddled through it and got done, with God's help. I know one of the things I told myself was that if I was asked to share my story, I will do it, so that I will be able to share with others how God has been there with me every step of the way. I don't even know if I conveyed that. I wanted to share with the audience that through this experience, I am learning so many lessons... and I am trying to break my stubbornness and selfishness... and that the human spirit really does rally through hardships... and that God provides us with a community of family and friends who will see us through the tough times, because no man is an island, or should live like one. I wanted to say that prayer works and that brings comfort... I know I didn't get to say any of it, at least not in the way I wanted to say it.

I wanted to say that there are still alot of challenges that I face everyday... the hardest for me is the feeling of brokenness.. like I am torn in so many pieces and I've got to put them all back together. Today, I went for another treatment and also saw my oncologist. It was a very good visit.. I was able to address alot of my concerns and we were able to come up with some solutions.

1. Sleep - she prescribed some medication for me to try. She says it's important for me to get some sleep and rest and if meds will help, we'll try it out.

2. Distress - she said that she does not want to call it 'depression' at this time. It is a common and many times expected side effect for women who are taking these medications to experience emotional distress/changes in moods, etc. She suggested I talk to a psychologist who specializes in oncology to see if this will help me in starting to piece together the parts of my life that had to be put aside when I was diagnosed. She also thought that talking to someone may help me sleep better.

3. Pain - she said this may take time.. one, maybe two years. She said that lots of superficial nerves were cut during the surgery and some may regenerate, which will take time, but others may not.. so the numbness and tingling may be something I will have indefinitely.

4. Limited range - got another script for PT. My right arm, although I am able to use it more and more, is still limited in shoulder flexion and abduction... so I think I may return to therapy for some ROM exercises and maybe some scar massage.

5. Mammogram - yes, even though I'm not due for another 3 months, they have already scheduled me for another mammogram; the order was put in the computer last Feb when I saw the surgeon. I know so many women who put this off... I hope that they wouldn't... it could save their lives..

6. Sleeve for the arm - had to make an appt to get measured for a sleeve for my right arm to help keep the swelling down, especially when I walk and do things for longer periods of time.

Basically, she confirmed that most of the things I'm feeling are side effects of the meds I'm taking, like nausea, fatigue, funny taste in my mouth, feeling hot all the time, etc, etc. Hopefully, these are things that will fade in time... hopefully.

So, there is hope that the broken pieces will be gathered and hopefully glued back in place. The hardest thing to deal with right now is the mind, trying not to feel sorry for myself, finding that reason to get up and do something today... like walking, trying not to feel so cut off from the world.. from what i was familiar with, trying to find rest and quiet in my mind. Dr. R was very encouraging and told me it happens to alot of women who are used to a certain pace of living life, and then cancer has forced them to slow down; coupled with side effects and healing, it can be a devastating time... but there is always hope around the corner... I try to tell myself this too shall pass...

so, it is late again.. i will try and see if I can sleep.. hopefully 4 or 5 hours. Another day, another broken piece to pick up, dust and hopefully put back in place. some days I have the energy to try, other days, I do not

Back Home

I can't believe I was gone for 3 weeks. The flight home was long and tiring, since I had one stopover (in San Francisco). The lane from Sac to SF airport was a very small one, the propeller type, so we had to walk to the tarmac and climb up the stairs to the plane. My bag was quite heavy for me and since I only can carry on the left shoulder, it was tired by the time I landed in Chicago. I was so hungry on the plane but all the snacks they had to sell had either chicken or meat in them. So, I drank lots of water, read a book and prayed I could at least take a nap. It was good to see Frendell when I got down to baggage claim. it was cold and rainy when we stepped outside. I was very tired and hungry and my arm was throbbing.

I am glad I was able to go to California to be with family. It was a much needed break from the reality of my life here. Out there, my sister did not let me do anything... I just got to talk to the kids, go on car rides and go with her on her errands. I have really missed living out in a semi-rural area. I enjoyed driving around and seeing the vineyards and cherry orchards and nut orchards and olive groves.... there is something calming about being able to see nature. Of course, in the background are my chocolate mountains. I miss seeing mountains and the ocean as well.  We attended Lauren's choir/band/Singers concert the first week-end I was there. It had a very healing effect on me. I have always enjoyed music but have not been able to attend concerts lately. Lauren was in all three and they did a wonderful job in their performance. Mr. Doug Brown (former principal of HAA, now principal of Lodi Academy) gave a touching sermon about a young woman who attended Adventist school, made some bad decisions and is now away from the church, due to some criticism she's received from members. It really hit me that the story he told is unfortunately not unique or even of the past. Even today, we lose youth and young adults due to our "well-meaning" attitudes, that sometimes are judgmental and critical of others.

I was happy that I could see Lauren in her school activities, even if it was her last performance for the year. She's done so well in flute and voice and I enjoyed hearing her play and sing.

Christian turned 5 while I was out there. I am so glad I got to attend his party as well. He and Kori are exceptionally good in reading. Christian is probably 2nd or 3rd grade level. Kori is very precocious and will try to reason her way out of anything. There is definitely a strong-willed pattern I see with all the kids :-)  Hmmm... wonder where they got that from? One thing I wished I could've done alot of but couldn't was hug them and carry them. Kori would once in a while sit on my lap, but when she wiggles, it still hurts my incision site and so it was hard for me. 

I rested alot and still can't get rid of this cold. I got home and I've been feeling under the weather since. Frendell is also sick with a cold and had a terrible headache yesterday. Today, he's coughing and sneezing like crazy. I finally made him some salabat, Ats solution to colds and fever. I hope it does the trick. I will drink some as well... I hope it gets rid of my nausea.

I was also able to see some friends while out west. I will try and post some pictures soon. It was great to be able to see friends, spend time together, catch up on life and just appreciate the fact that we're all still alive, able to visit and enjoy each other's company. 

And now, back to reality... I get more melancholy when I'm here. I think having the kids around, demanding time and attention, does not leave me much room for melancholy. There is also the escape aspect of being out there. Now that I'm back, there are a couple of doctors' appointments to go to next week, and I think I may have to go back to PT since I am having alot of pain in my armpit. I got a sleeve before I left, but it's not fitting well and tends to go roll down a lot, so it's more frustrating than helpful.

Well, I hope I will be motivated to get up and walk everyday. Faith has made an appointment to walk at the end of the month, so I have to try and keep up with her.  I want to train for the 5k in October as well. Tomorrow, if I feel well enough to go, I will go to Lakeview Church to cheer for the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. Our friend Jose is pastor of the Lakeview church and through his wonderful insight, has made his church a cheer station as walkers walk right in front. What a neat way to show the community that we, as a church, take an active participation in issues that affect our community. I pray for nice, sunny weather. They predict rain... but God can always perform miracles. 

So I'm back. I hope I can post with some regularity again now. It's been good to take a break... I wish I could've stayed there longer, Ats, Ross,Lauren, Frank, Candy and my Mom took such wonderful care of me... but I needed to come back for treatment. I miss my family and I hope we'll be able to be together again soon. I am so happy to be reunited with Mahal, though. I've missed him. He takes such great care of me here, even when he's sick. Have a great week-end!! ;-)