Uncle Harvey

Last Saturday, I asked Uncle Harvey if he would give me his permission to share his story here on my blogspot. I'm not sure he knew what he agreed to, but he said that he'd be happy to share his story, if it will serve to inspire others. We, at Chicago Fil-am church, wanted to let Uncle Harvey know how much he means to us and what kind of influence he has been to us. In this picture, he sang with the Ladies Chorus.. he's always willing to sing and share his talents with others.

Sheila, Auntie Lita, Theresa and Beverly...

I wanted to tell Uncle Harvey that his courage inspires me everyday. I pray for him everyday and at the times when I'd rather just stay in bed when I don't feel well, I remember than he goes to church every Sabbath, even though he's in pain. He told me a couple of weeks ago that 'he didn't want cancer to define him and how he lived his life. He wanted to be an inspiration to others, every day and in whatever circumstances he's in'. Well, Uncle Harvey, you are living your legacy. You inspire, you encourage, you lift up God, you give us hope and you make us want to be better...

Frendell at camp

Frendell left on Sunday afternoon, after he had several hours of sleep, to go to Camp Akita for the week. He is pastor this week for teen camp. Winnchee left on Monday and so begins my whole week by myself at home. I was apprehensive at first, but I'm glad that other than a small incident of falling off the step stool, I'm actually doing okay. Just a small bump on my arm and leg...

I will be forever grateful to Carol for coming over to walk with me on Tues and Wednesday, otherwise, I would never see another person for several days at a time. My brother and sister also call everyday to make sure I'm okay. Faith texted several times to check up on me. Pat called to make sure I was alright. Mom called to see how the two did on the bike ride. Sharon offered to give me a ride, but I had cancelled all my appts coz I knew Frendell was gonna be out of town this week. Barb called to try and schedule dinner, Dana emailed to schedule lunch. I am so glad that people still remember me and try to keep in touch, otherwise, I would be alone all week and not have any contact with anyone, except my nightly calls from Frendell. Poor thing has to stay outside when he talks to me coz he does not get signal in his room at the lodge :-) Okay, enough of my pity party...

I'm glad Mahal's doing well at camp.. I miss him and can't wait until he gets home. I am proud of myself for not falling apart. I have not felt well all week... this cold keeps lingering or coming back or whatever. I cough at night and in the morning. I try to walk everyday, and thanks to Carol, she has motivated to go out everyday. Tomorrow, the weather's supposed to be cooler, so I am looking forward to that... maybe I can walk out longer. Although I must say that my left heel and my back really hurt after I walk. i don't know if it's my shoes, or as Carol said, maybe plantar fasciatis or spurs. I sure hope not... I am so tired of being in pain... I'm sorry to complain...

I told God today that I really need help with changing my attitude and my feelings of "distress". I need His help to focus on getting better and allowing myself to heal and experience and then be able to accept it. I have tried to do something each day... walking, the other day I made muffins, but they didn't taste so good :-( and I try to cook something to eat once a day, so i won't just each cereal all day. So, I think I've done well following the doctor's homework of doing one or two things a day. Oh, I actually did laundry too and sorted out some mail and stuff. I discovered that I don't like to sort through some things coz I don't know what to do with them.. some things you need to keep around but don't have room for. Hopefully next week, I will feel stronger and have the nerve to just tackle one box at a time.

Good night and I look forward to the week-end...

Winnchee

I guess I have been remiss in blogging. That's the hard thing about being "distressed". I want to do it, I even think about it, but I just don't ever get to it. And as I told Winnchee, many times I feel very isolated and out of touch. It was really nice having her here for the week-end. We were able to talk and catch up and she was able to ride the 25-mile bike ride for the Chicago park district with her Kuya Frendell. I was so glad that he had someone that would ride with him, at his pace... even though there's 10,000 riders, I think it's nice that he had someone who rode with him the entire time. I worried about him last year when I found out that even though he started out with some friends, he ended up riding the course alone. This year, he had Winnchee for company and they watched the sun rise together. I guess they did not stop for a Blizzard @ Dairy Queen or tacos at Taco Bell :-) They were very tired and sore and after we had breakfast with Froy, both went to sleep for most of the morning.

We missed having Bryan here as well, but it's good that he was able to go to Costa Rica for his ggrandmother's funeral. Hopefully next year, he'll be able to ride... although both Che and Frendell said that they don't think they'd want to ride it again :-) we'll have to see, I guess.

It was good to be able to visit with Che. I miss her when we're apart. She listened to me and tried to cheer up my moods. Poor thing had to see how my 'distress' affects me. Although I was not able to go home with her this time, I hope we'll be able to visit her and Bryan sometime soon...

Treatment

Another treatment day... every time I go for my injections, I think that it won't be too bad this time around and I'm wrong every time. It hurts :-( and the funny taste in my mouth comes after about 15 - 30 mins. Sometimes I feel nauseated and I'm usually tired. My nurse, Jeanine, is always so nice and encouraging. I told her I'd started seeing the psychologist and she thought it was a good idea. We talked about my sleeping and how the medicine is working and I told her it helps me sleep for 8 hours when I take it. So, she asked the doctor to write me up another prescription so that I can refill it soon.

Got home and rested for a little bit until I had to go to PT. Linda worked on scar massage at the medial part of my chest and also did alot of range of motion. Sometimes it was uncomfortable coz my right arm is so tight. Pavel followed massaging my arm and my right side. It was a really weird sensation getting massaged on the back of my arm coz I can't feel very much there, but every so often I would get shooting pain or sharp pain in that area. It's so hard to describe it.... it's like my arm's asleep all the time. I guess it is for the most part.

Lsat Monday, I had my 2nd appt with the psychologist. I always feel like a dripping faucet when I see her coz I can't stop crying. She asks me how I am and I bawl like a baby. She asked me if I thought talking to her helped me and I'm crying like there's no tomorrow. She asked me how my sleep and pain levels were and there's just no stopping the tears. I think I used up half of her tissue box (it was brand new when I walked in)... and I'm sure I would've finished it if my time wasn't up so quickly. She's probably relieved when I'm done with my session, just so she can get a break from all the tears. Maybe I should bring an umbrella for her for my next session. She has asked me to try and write down at least 2-4 things that I can plan to do each day and try to do at least half of them. I told her that that morning, I had baked some muffins. Granted, it was semi-homemade, but I hadn't even baked in 18 months and I have missed it tremendously. I was glad I did it, even though it didn't turn out to be the best muffins I've made... Frendell ate some and said he liked it. So, now, I will try and write down what I need to do each day, whether it be to go out and water my plants, whatever's left of them that haven't withered yet, bake or cook something, pack something in the balikbayan box (to be sent to the Philippines), sort through the files in my office, or spend the day at the Shedd aquarium.... I will try to do at least one thing each day.

I do have to include there walking... as I hope to be able to do the 5k in October for the Wellness House in Hinsdale. I do hope you are training as well so you can join me for this walk...

I Still Do.. 17 years today

If someone had told me that we would be celebrating our 17th year anniversary in Chicago, I would have been really surprised. I can still remember our early morning wedding. We were getting our hair and makeup done by 6 a.m. because the photographer was coming to the house by 8 or so. Much of what happened that day was a blur, but some things stood out too. We had taken my Dad out of the hospital AMA (he was admitted due to pneumonia and stayed because he was discovered to have metastatic cancer) and was wheeled in by Frank. I was so glad that my brothers and sisters let me take him out, although he was very tired and sick. I wanted to be married with my Dad there, and I was. Kuya Abner walked me down the aisle., as he has been like my dad when we lived in La Sierra with him. I remember Frendell wrote a song of thanks for our parents and he sung it after I had walked down to the front. Then we gave our parents leis of flowers and we hugged and kissed each of them. He and I made a bet on who would cry first and many of my friends lost because they thought it would be me. Frendell started crying as soon as he took both my hands in his and started reciting his vows. Of course, I followed soon after. I remember the music, the songs, and most of our guests. I remember Art was the Emcee for the reception and he had brought Bruno there (the bear Frendell gave me when I went to Thailand.. to hug and cuddle with, since he was not going to be with me for a year). I remember reciting that "I will be with you though the good times and through the bad times, whether we are rich or poor".

Fast forward to today. We had been through so many challenges: health, finances, career, family, church, spiritual. We soon discovered that we had many underlying issues that needed to be worked out if this marriage was going to make it to its next anniversary. We were both stubborn, strong-willed and opinionated and it was difficult when we hit our low moments. While we were in seminary, we met Paul Hegstrom, who was head of LIfe Skills and tried very hard to go to training to learn and be able to facilitate these classes. So we went to Iowa for a week's training and things progressed from there. There were alot of struggles and sacrifices and we started teaching classes and our students really appreciated all that they were learning. I drove down to Champaign to take classes there as well as get tips on how to facilitate. We both had individual counseling as well as couples counseling and slowly we were truly able to see the other person for the valuable gift that God has given each of us. I had always admired Frendell's sense of adventure and care-free attitude. I never thought he was afraid of anything. Back when we were @ PUC, I would ask him if he'd ever done this or that and he would say no but he'd like to try it. So, he'd drive me Coalinga to watch the geyser there; another time we drove to San Francisco to have dinner @ pier 39 and when I needed to get my passport ready to go to Thailand, he drove me there and waited with me until i had it. He had a deep commitment to God and was at that time very narrow-minded in his approach. Of course, I found it was my mission to "relax" him a bit and introduce him to contemporary Christian music and all :-) We were the best of friends throughout college.. not really wanting to date the other, but having a good time just talking about anything under the sun. He and my roommate Margie Delos Reyes were my prayer partners when I went as a student missionary to Thailand. Now, all of you who know Frendell knows that he is not one to write letters.. to anyone, friend or foe :-) So I got there, no TV but I did have little portable radio/cassette recorder and lived in a studio apartment. I was the only girl SM that year, so all the guys got to live in the house and the maid would cook all our meals there and I would to there to eat. I was homesick and feeling isolated. I made friends with some of the students and some of the staff and when Pat took over as director, she made sure that I would not be too isolated and left out on my own. Frendell wrote me a total of 3 letters that year. I was devastated., especially since I sent him a letter like every other week. I got an anonymous box of Sees Candy sometime around Valentine's day... no return address.. and most of the chocolates had melted. When you haven't had chocolate for 8 months even melted chocolate tastes delicious. I don't think I found out until we were married already (some 4 or 5 years later) that the chocolates came from Frendell. He never said anything in any of his letters, even after I asked and frankly, it didn't occur to me that he would send it, just because I didn't think he would. I thought it was one of my girlfriends from school. :-)

That just shows how much I underestimated Frendell. One day, we were coming home from a service at Willow, and he took my hand and started telling me that in working through his issues and in talking with God, he realized that I was a diamond in the rough and that I was God's special gift to him. He asked forgiveness for taking me for granted, for not being supportive to what my dreams were, and not taking my opinions seriously. He told me that as he had worked through his issues, he has begun to see clearly what a valuable woman I was to him and that he cherished me more than anything and anyone in the world. Of course, I couldn't stop crying, and neither could he and I was telling him to pull over or we'll get in an accident. So, there on the 290 Fwy by Schaumburg, a renewal of vows and a moment of clarity happened one Sunday morning about 9 years ago. Throughout our married lives, as we peeled the many layers of immaturity, selfishness, doubt, etc that we hid behind, we have discovered the joy, the companionship, renewed the friendship and gathered strength from each other. Throughout all my health issues and all my surgeries, Frendell has been there, being the strong one, being my voice of reason and clarity. He has done so much for me and has taken cared of me without complaint or acting like I was burden. He never pressured me to go to church with him and would even encourage me to stay home if I don't feel well. He has driven me to all of my doctors appointments, frequently re -arranging his own schedule to accommodate mine. He has been true and faithful to me and still keeps our Thursday night "date nights" whenever we can. He has been my strength, my comfort, my comedian, my adventure guide, my spiritual advisor and mostly, he's been my friend. Looking back at all the things we have been through, I wish I could change some of my decisions and some of my circumstances, but I would never change my partner through any of those times.

After 17 years, I still do... love him more than I thought I ever could. I still enjoy spending time with him and I still look forward to the adventures that lie ahead. This journey of hope has brought us closer to each other and on the days when I feel like giving up, he is there just to hold me and give me encouragement and tell me that things will get better, that I will feel better. I love Frendell more than I can even express. He means the world to me and I thank God everyday that He gave me such a wonderful husband. I thank Frendell for not giving up on the relationship and working through all the things we've had to grow through. I admire him for staying with me through all the thick and thin of my health issues. He's a treasure to cherish and hold.

Last night, after the fireworks show, he came home at around 11:30. I had just taken my medicine and was trying to sleep. And I asked him if he would sing me the song he wrote for me when he proposed.... so, in the middle of the darkness, he cuddled me and started singing it to me. I didn't think I could love him more, in his arms, As I drifted off to sleep, I felt very secure and very loved. So, today, after 17 years, I still love him and I would marry him all over again. Thanks for all the wonderful memories, Darling Mahal. I love you.

Fireworks

Happy Birthday America!!! Today, all over the country, we celebrated our independence day. Here in Chicago, it was overcast, dreary and rainy off and on all day. In fact, it was probably one of the rainiest 4th of July I can remember since moving here 17 years ago. After church, Faith and Nunay invited to come over to their house to rest until Frendell was done with all his meetings. I'm so fortunate to have friends who live close by and are willing to have me over. I was so tired, had a headache and feeling more pain today, probably coz I did something everyday the last week. Faith made sure I was comfortable and I felt bad that the kids were ushered out of their playroom for my sake. I took a nap and I was so glad I got to rest. Poor Faith had to stay home because of me :-( while her family got to do a fun activity outside.

The rain finally tapered off around 6 or so and people started gathering at the park across the street. There were tents for food, moon jumps and even a band to entertain the crowd. As it got darker, I saw more and more people walking down the street with their lawn chairs, they were staking their places for the fireworks show. Should I go out and watch it or stay in bed? I decided to get out and join my neighbors in the celebration. So, I went out there, sat in my chair on the front porch and got eaten by mosquitos. As the first firework shot up in the sky, I watched the crowd that had gathered outside on the street in front of our house. As if on cue, with the master conductor leading, everyone's head turned to the sky, conversations ceased, applause broke out and a collective "ooohhhh" rang out in the crowd. As colors of red, green, purple and yellow burst out in different shapes and forms (one was even a smiley face), you could hear the kids and adults alike "ooohing and aaahhing" and once in a while, when the roman candles were bursting like crazy and another would shoot up and burst like a shooting star, the crowd would clap and hold their breath. When it got very loud, the babies started crying. I loved watching people's faces and I noticed that as soon as it started and everyone turned their faces up to the sky, smiles broke out and everyone seemed happy.

It made me think about Jesus' 2nd coming. In Revelation, it says that "all eyes will see Him in the clouds of heaven". I looked at the crowd and wondered how it will be then. As the fireworks show was ending, there was just a huge burst of light as one firework after another lit up the sky... and it was so bright and it looked like stars falling out of the sky. And I wondered if Jesus would be coming in the night and all of a sudden the sky would just light up. Will we all run out of our houses to watch? Will we all have smiles on our faces like the crowd watching the fireworks tonight? Will we "ooh and aah"? Will we break out in song and praises? Will we have joy in our hearts because we know He is finally coming to take us home? Will it be like one big block party? It is exciting to think about Jesus' coming and sobering at the same time. I get so bogged down with the clutter in my life that I sometimes forget to look up in the sky and think of what matters most... and that is to focus on getting ready so when the sky bursts open and I see Jesus coming down, I can look up with a smile on my face and tell Him I'm ready to go home to heaven. Its been a full week, full of emotions. So will bid you goodnight and I hope you celebrated our country's independence day with a bang.

Saying Good-bye

Last Tuesday was the funeral for Uncle Ely. It was a very sad day for so many of us as we honored this man who has touched so many lives. He was faithful to his family and to his God and served his church as much as as he could. He prayed for all of us... he was Frendell's prayer partner and in many ways, Frendell's right hand in giving Bible studies and conducting the mid-week prayer meeting. Frendell is taking this loss quite hard. I can't imagine coming to church this Sabbath and not seeing Uncle Ely smiling at me, telling me he's been praying for me and my recovery.

Pat, Naleesa and Zach also left on Tuesday to fly home to Walla Walla. It was such a special treat to have them come over and spend a couple of days with us. Pat just finished conducting the Institute for returning missionaries, which was held at Andrews University last week. So they spent time with Jerma, Erbe and family there @ Andrews. It is always a treat for us to have Pat come and visit. She is our Ninang and has given us tremendous support and advice through the years. She was my mentor, since way back when I was a student missionary in Thailand. She gave me such a different perspective of God and life and my parents/family and allowed me to question my beliefs and theology. She helped me figure out what to do with Frendell, before Frendell and I even started dating, and then afterwards, when we became engaged. Pat has been our beacon of strength and hope when we wanted to quit the ministry and try something else. She has loved us from the beginning and has seen us through our best and through our worst. She has allowed us to learn from her experiences and has been transparent with the challenges and trials she's had to face. She has an unwavering faith in God and shared with us a God who is outside the box we grew up with.

During this visit, she listened, encouraged, gave me permission to grieve and heal on my own time, prayed for me, shared challenges her friends who face cancer have also experienced, listened some more, hugged me when I cried and tried to help me figure out how to start re-structuring my day again. Naleesa and Zach were a breath of fresh air. They have so much energy and are very well behaved tweens. They made me laugh and I wished so much that I could keep up with them :-) So when they left Tuesday, it was so quiet in the house again. And Frendell and I miss all of them. I think we had a hard time coming home from the the emotionally-charged day... Pat and the kids going home and then the funeral, so we got in the car and drove to Hinsdale and returned the screen to Jack. And we woke him and his family up and we stayed until midnight, talking and visiting and praying and just spending time with friends.

I never do well with good-byes, especially when I'm the one left behind. It always leaves this empty feeling in my heart and it hurts inside... It makes me long for heaven... and I look forward to the time when we don't have to be separated from our loved ones again...