Milestones

Last week was a busy week and in looking back, made me realize that although I have been be-moaning the length of my healing process, I have indeed, been blessed and fortunate enough to be on my way to healing. As I have said before, it was not only me who has suffered through this. Our families and very close friends, whether near or far, have experienced some sort of distress and break from the normal routines and structure due to my cancer. But out of everyone, Frendell has suffered the most. He has valiantly stood by me and never complained at the lot he had been given. He put aside his needs in order to meet mine. He sacrificed time and sleep to watch over me and make sure that I got my sleep and got to all my appointments. Even now, he still continues to drive me and re-arranges his life to accommodate mine. Unfortunately, this has taken a toll on him. And he has suffered from burnout as a caregiver. The healing process usually begins with acknowledging that there is a problem. And for several weeks now, he has gone and initiated getting help for himself. Last Thursday night, we went to the Wellness House and attended a seminar on how to deal with stress when you are a caregiver. It was a very educational and most importantly, an eye-opening experience for me. I knew the stress he was under, but in my pain, I neglected to appreciate what he was going through as well, having all the responsibility, not only for his job, but for me, our finances, our home. I appreciated so much hearing what the others there said of how they were feeling and sometimes they felt hopeless and unappreciated. I felt really bad and Frendell and I had a very nice long talk afterwards. My heart overflows from the love he has shown me, and I hope and pray that I will give him the same support and tender care as he himself goes through his healing process. Sometimes when I can't sleep or if I wake up really early, I just lay in bed watching Mahal sleep and I say a prayer of thanks for this man who has done so much for me. I can't help but fall in love with him all over again and if I were asked if I would do it all over again, I would say that I couldn't even imagine going through all that we've gone through without him by my side. I don't know how long it will take, but there is hope that the journey of healing has begun for Mahal. I am more than ever, grateful for the Wellness House. They have been there for us every step of the way. I wish so much I could do the walk and convince all my friends to walk and help raise money for it. The programs they offer and the emotional support they provide, for all who are touched by cancer, cannot be matched.

On Friday, another milestone was reached. I was asked to do an evaluation!! So for the first time in over a year, I went out to do an evaluation with Carol. I was very nervous and anxious about how it will all turn out. I was so scared that I would forget to ask the right questions (and I did forget to ask some) and that I wouldn't know how to explain to the parent what I was doing and what I meant. I am so blessed that I have my dear friend Carol to do my evaluations with. She calms me and reminds me that I have done this before. She makes me laugh and reassures me that things will come back to me. She helped me by doing all the handling during the eval and she asked the questions I forgot to ask. I couldn't have done it without Carol. And in the end, she even drove me home. Carol, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I love how you have gone beyond our professional relationship and have shown me such love and support, even when I feel like I'm floundering. You always believed that I could go back to work, albeit slower than a turtle. Thank you for helping me and giving me courage to jump in. I hope that we will do many more evaluations together soon :-) After it was all said and done and I got home, I took a 2 - 3 hour nap. I was so tired from sitting on the floor and all the anxiety I experienced prior to the event. Even now, i am still working on typing the report and my mind feels like it's being stretched to the limit. I hope that it gets easier with time.

Earlier in the day, I had gone to the Coleman Foundation at the cancer center to meet with the nurse, Lisa. I always enjoy meeting with Lisa because every session with her is like going to my therapist. She is kind and exudes empathy. She answers all the my questions and will search for that right bra or prosthetic because she understands and knows how breast cancer survivors feel with their self-image. That day, she re-measured me for a new sleeve. I was so happy when she said that I went down a size!!! yeay!! that means that the lymphedema is slowly going down. Although I still have pain and numbness and tingling, I have more mobility and as Linda (my awesome PT) told me at my last session, "you have less tightness in your right armpit". Woo-hoo!! My arm gets tired easily... in fact, I can't write a whole thank you note without taking a break. But I am using it as much as I can so that I can gain arm strength. Even playing the piano is tiring...but I am glad I can still play :-)

Tomorrow, I am going to Florida to visit family there. Even though I am anxious about going through security again by myself, I am excited to see everyone there. Another opportunity for distraction from life. A year ago yesterday, I had my biopsy... and I remember that I was trying to distract myself during the days that followed.. hoping that the news would be good and that I did not have cancer. It was not to be. Even though things did not turn out as I wanted them to, tonight I am so grateful that I have celebrated significant milestones... a sure sign that hope is going strong in this journey through cancer.

A Year and A Day

Yesterday was a year and a day since my last mammogram. As I walked up to the women's health center at the outpatient facility at Loyola Medical Center, it felt like deja`vu. The same woman was sitting at the reception area and checked me in; the same couches were all lined up along the eastern and western walls of the hallway and even the same bulletin board was still there, arranged the same way, with the same colored balloons, displaying information and handouts about breast cancer. One of the differences is that Frendell did not come up with me this time. The biggest difference is that this year my life had been turned around. I was shown to the same locker room, changed into a hospital gown and waited. This year, the waiting area was full... no vacant chair at all; in fact I sat in my dressing room. Last year, there were alot of empty chairs when I was waiting. The anxious looks on the women's faces surrounding me were the same as last year. I looked around and wondered how many of us had been diagnosed and how many will still be diagnosed. Even the way I answered the questions this year was different.

Family history of breast cancer? last year: No. This year: Yes - me.

Do you have or have you been diagnosed with breast cancer? last year: No. This year: Yes. Two different kinds.

And so the questions went on.

Things have changed for me. The technician who did my mammogram was very nice and accommodating. I told her that I was still having quite a bit of pain on my right side and on my stomach, so stretching in different positions is not always easy. She was very gentle with me and tried to take the pictures as fast as she could. I told her that I am a little concerned because I have had itching since July and my oncologist wants to make sure everything is alright. She said she couldn't blame me for worrying. I told her that I hold on to the same philosophy I had last year when I came for my diagnostic mammogram: "It is better to know what I have so I will know how to deal with it".

I didn't have to wait too long for the results. So far, it's normal; they can't see anything wrong. I have been advised to talk to my oncologist about the itching and stinging sensations I am experiencing, almost on a daily basis. Dr. Robinson may recommend further testing if she determines it's needed.

A year and a day... so many things on the outside may look the same and yet I know that for me, a year ago was the beginning of my life turning upside down.

Costochondritis

Okay, so I know by now that if I mention anything at all to the nurse when I go for my shots, it will be investigated and addressed, especially when I casually say, 'Oh by the way, I've kinda had this little thing that has happened the past couple of weeks". "What is it?", she asked. "More symptoms? Itching? Nausea?"

"Well, yes," I say, "but actually I've had this before and I've gotten stress tests and all that, but it has always turned out normal. Just a little bit of chest pain, on and off the past couple of weeks or so". Okay, so you read what happened after that. Official diagnosis? Costochondritis. What is it, you ask? It is inflammation of the cartilage that joins your ribs to your sternum. Is it painful? Oh yes, often times mimicking chest pain that people will think may be a heart attack. Cause? Who knows... but several things may be a factor. Like repeated minor trauma to the chest or viral respiratory infection, on occasion a bacterial infection or IV use or surgery to the upper chest.

Fortunately, I have a PT who is very astute and on top of things. So when I went to therapy yesterday, she asked how I was and how my trip went. So, i was casually relating all the walking and carrying of my luggage and I told her that the doctor told me I had some inflammation on my chest or maybe I strained it from traveling, since i can only carry things on my left arm. She knew right away what it was and when she palpated my chest/sternum, she was able to pinpoint right away which ribs were affected. So, heat was applied and I had to do some breathing exercises to expand my chest wall to facilitate mobility in the ribs. I didn't even realize that I had been breathing alot through my mouth and nose because it hurt to breath and expand my ribs. Isn't that something? Dr. Robinson said I can take naproxen or ibuprofen if I need to to relieve the pain. Linda, my PT, told me to put heat on my chest wall a couple of times a day; the massage therapist showed Frendell how to put his hands on my rib cage to make sure it's expanding when I'm breathing.

So, it is not my heart, which I'm glad to know, but it does hurt quite a bit. Even when I lay down, sometimes I get the chest pain., sometimes it even radiates to the back. Oh well, another thing to deal with. Later on, I go back to the podiatrist. I know she will NOT be happy with all the walking I did in DC. Oh well, what can I do?

And we got to see Froy in the evening and it was nice to catch up with him. Got home, slept for 3 hours and then the tingling in my feet woke me up. What in the world is wrong with my body? don't answer that.. it may shock me...

Back to Reality

I had a wonderful time in Maryland/DC with Winnchee and Bryan. I tried to see as many places as I could, even with my aching foot :-) and decreased energy level. Traveling is harder these days, but I am still glad that I am able to go and see other places and visit family and friends there. It was a very nice diversion and I am glad that I was able to go away from the cancer center and treatments and doctors appointments. But all good things sometimes do come to an end. And today I am back to reality. Another shot today. I don't know if I'll ever get used to going to the cancer center and knowing that people are looking at me or at Frendell and trying to figure out which of us has cancer. I guess I'm a dead give-away right now because I do wear a sleeve on my right arm. After I check in, I usually have to sit and wait for them to call me, then the nurse will have to walk to the pharmacy to get my medicine, then she has to prepare it and mix it and find a room and then I get my shot. Today, I saw Dr. Robinson briefly. She checked to see if the itching is still there... it is and just as often, even if I hadn't wore the prosthesis in about a month. And with examination, palpation and symptoms, she told me i had some inflammation on my intercostal muscles, that's why I have been having some chest pains in the last couple of weeks. So, for now, i will continue to monitor and take note of when it happens, what other symptoms I'm having and I can take naprocin for the pain if it persists. I'm not exactly sure how I got the inflammation; it may also be some strain on the intercostal wall as I sometimes carry or pull things that I probably should not do too vigorously.

So, back to treatments, PT appointments, doctors appointments and this month i am scheduled for a mammogram. It has been over a year since I discovered the tumor on my right side and almost a year since that diagnostic mammogram. Almost a year since I was diagnosed. How fast time has flown and yet there were moments when it seemed like time stood still. Last year, I could never have imagined the amount of pain and other things I would go through. I am glad that the pain is somewhat better. Dr. Robinson told me that if something manifests on the other breast, it will be another primary diagnosis again, it will not be an extension of the other side and symptoms will probably not be the same. That helps put my mind at ease somewhat, as I sometimes drive myself crazy thinking that I may be missing something or worrying that they may not have seen everything. I am very fortunate that my medical team is so patient with me and all my questions and concerns and they really go out of their way to reassure me when I need it. And they follow-up with every and any complaint, concern or question I may have. I am very blessed and very fortunate for the great medical care I am receiving from Loyola Cancer Center.

I am watching the documentary "The 102 minutes that changed America"; it is about Sept 11, 2001. I can still remember where I was that day, the horror of watching the towers fall. I am watching the horror and fear on people's faces again and I cannot even imagine going through that. It looked like a nuclear war zone. When we visited Ground Zero a couple of years ago and toured the place, it was so devastating to see the ruins, knowing what happened on that fateful day. The chaos, the fear, the damages, the people who died, the confusion... and through it all, there were so many who emerged as heroes.. people who risked their lives to help others. The human spirit, though broken, prevails.

Holocaust Museum

Yesterday, I walked EVERYWHERE!! I thought my legs would fall off and I wouldn't be able to get back home. I started the day by going to the US Holocaust museum. It was raining and overcast outside, so it was the perfect thing to do. I didn't know what to expect and the place was kinda confusing, or at least it seemed like it. I went to the information desk and the lady there told me that it's set up to be a little confusing, kinda how it would've been like then. We start by getting a 'passport' with a name and it tells what our 'person' would have faced during the different years that the atrocity went on. We next got on an elevator up to the 4th floor, where it all started. As I read how the Nazi's came to power and all the things that happened, watched some clips and looked at the things that they gathered from the Jews, I just could not believe the cruelty and the inhumane treatment that they endured. I was at a loss for words and most of the time I was overwhelmed with a deep feeling of sadness and incredulity. It made me angry to read that alot of people did nothing - they were indifferent bystanders. Even the United States and other countries took a very long time in responding to the tragedy and after several years finally allowed some to migrate here... but they only filled the quota for immigration and did not allow all who wanted to come to come. I couldn't take it all.. I was crying all the way down from the 4th floor, to the 3rd to the 2nd floor. I think I really lost it when I walked into the room where they had all the shoes collected from the concentration camps and the personal belongings like hair brushes, scissors, mirrors, etc. They even showed how they shaved them and then bundled the hair and sold them to make wigs and stuffing for beds, etc. It was very disturbing.

But there are always the courageous people who show compassion and kindness, even if they put their own life and their family's life at risk. I am so thankful for these people... those who sheltered and hid the Jews and helped them escape. They had a whole wall of their names, some with pictures. Although there were so many of them, they could not rival the number of Jews who died during this time. One name stood out for me... John Weidner, a Dutchman who helped establish the Dutch-Paris underground, an escape route which ran lines from the Netherlands to Belgium to France to Spain. He was credited to saving more than 800 Jews and over 100 allied airmen. He was tortured twice by the Nazis and one of his sisters was captured and killed by the Nazis. Yet, he continued to help the Jews. Later on, he moved to the US, where he lived until he died in 1994. Do you know why he stood out to me? It was because he was a Seventh-day Adventist.. and said so on his bio. It made me wonder how many Adventists in Germany, Poland, USSR and other countries helped Jews as well? Or were they indifferent bystanders like so many others.

On the 2nd floor, they have a wall of remembrance. On one of the walls, it was written: "Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your hear as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them". Deuteronomy 4:9 Wow. DO NOT FORGET. We have already witnessed so many atrocities in our lifetime, in our world history. So many genocides. After you leave this room, before you go down to the first floor, they have a room that says" Move into ACTION". We think that the genocide of Rwanda in the '90s is done and over with. Today, there are still people facing death, for no other reason than some one else thinks they are inferior. In Sudan's Darfur region, this atrocity is still happening. What are we doing about it? Why are we not not stopping this? How can we be indifferent bystanders? I was behooved to realize that I did not too much about it. There are things we can do... we can donate money; educate ourselves about genocide; get involved in our communities; join the museum's community of conscience and find out which areas are at risk for genocide; tell your family and your children about it and why we need to stop it; support education and relief efforts. Please, if you have a holocaust museum close to you, visit it and remind yourself why we must respect and treat each other equally. No one should have to go through what the Jews, the Rwandans, the Armenians, the African Americans, Cambodia, and the people in Darfur are going through. I know i did not mention all the other people/nations that also suffered these tragedies, but I think you know what i mean. Please, get involved. Let us not let ourselves be known as a generation that stood by and watched this horror with indifference.

I had to sit in the memorial hall for a long while, trying to calm down. Afterwards, I decided to walk and walk I did. I walked to the Jefferson Memorial ("oh, it's not so far, Miss", the guard said, "probably 10 mins at the most). Yes, 10 mins to this side of the river... more like 30 mins for me coz I couldn't walk fast and you have to go around the Tidal Basin to get to Thomas Jefferson. But it was worth it. So, I thought, why not visit Mr. Lincoln? After all, he is also from Illinois. So I asked the guard again how far it was to walk there... "No far at all, follow the path, up the bridge, past the baseball field and there is it. No more than 15 - 20 mins". Easy for him to say, he can walk normally. Well, just know that I do not always follow directions well. I stayed close to the water and discovered Franklin Delano Roosevelt's memorial. I kept walking and realized I am not seeing Lincoln anywhere. I finally stopped to ask directions and the kind man said, "Oh it's quite aways from here, but if you follow this road, cross the street, pass the Korean War Memorial, it's just past that". Okay, so 45 mins after I left the Jefferson memorial, I saw Mr. Abraham Lincoln in all his glory, looking over the reflecting pool, straight at the Washington Memorial. I was exhausted and my feel were hurting and I just wanted to crawl to bed. But I still had to find the Metro and take 2 trains and the circulator and then I would be home. But that's another story in itself. Suffice it to say that I'm just glad I got home okay.. and the circulator passed by the place, "Just Cakes"... and it called out to me, so I got off the circulator and got some more cupcakes :-) A great day indeed. I hope you enjoyed your day as much as I enjoyed mine. Good night :-)

Cupcakes

Yesterday, Winnchee and I went to the farmers market down the street from their house. It is nice to get fresh, organic fruits and vegetables. We also got some delicious bread :-) After that, we went to the National Cathedral and went on their Jewel of Lights tour (about the stained-glass windows). It's really very fascinating. The cathedral has been around for almost a hundred years and took them 83 years to finish the construction. At the moment, they even have a glass window that the artist is getting ready to replace. I will try and post some pictures here soon. Such fascinating history and it was neat to see the 3 different distinct styles that were used by different artists in doing the windows. It's a huge and majestic English gothic style structure. It can fit up to 4000 people for worship, they said. Wow! In my humble opinion, it can rival some of the great churches in Europe. I really enjoyed seeing it but I was tired from all the walking we did.

Afterwards, we went to Georgetown cupcakes... there was a 20-min line and we decided that we would find out what the rage was all about. Everyone on the line was swearing by it.. red velvet cupcakes. So we stood in line and talked to the lady in front of us. She's a student from California, visiting friends here and is originally from South Carolina. She studied here last spring semester and she loved these cupcakes. Che and I decided we would do our own comparative taste test :-) After that, we were gonna go to the west lawn of the Capitol building for a concert by the national symphony orchestra. There were no parking spots at all for several blocks around the national mall and it was so very hot and so many people were there.... and I was tired already, so we decided to go back home. We went to Fancy Cakes by Leslie (she was made famous from the Today Show's hometown wedding cakes or something like that) to get cupcakes to compare with GT cupcakes. They didn't have red velvet, so we settled on vanilla and s'mores cupcakes. Can you just feel our blood sugar rising? :-) We got home and had salad for dinner, to counteract all the sugar that we will ingest. Then we watched Pride and Prejudice while we tested our cupcakes and had tea and popcorn as well. Delicious. So who won our taste test? Georgetown cupcakes, hands down. Their cake was moist and the icing was not too sweet. Fancy cakes buttercream icing was too sweet and their vanilla cupcake was too dry it was almost crumbly. So, at least for the vanilla cupcake our vote was GT cupcakes. We have another place to try out, but they were already closed. We'll see if we can get some vanilla cupcakes there sometime this week and figure out who really is the best cupcake.. at least here in the DC/Maryland area. Want to send it your votes? Pictures to come....

Enjoy your holiday!!! I'm too tired today to do any sight=seeing so we're just gonna take it easy today. Bryan's leaving for a conference tonight....

Museums

I'm a little behind in posting my DC adventures... last Tuesday night, Jay and Eunice were kind enough to drive here to Bethesda and we went to dinner @ RaKu, just down the street from Winnchee's and Bryan's place. Bryan was able to come with us but unfortunately Winnchee had a board meeting, so she couldn't make it. It was great to catch up with these two and hear how life is going for them here. It really made me feel old when I was sitting there listening to them talk about work and church and knowing that they are active members of society but I knew them when they were like in 9th grade... and now, they're adults!!! Ay yay yay!! I'm so glad that they're enjoying their life here and they have adjusted to living in the East Coast. Winnchee did get to see them, even though briefly, before they left for their home.

On Wednesday, Eun and I went to the Smithsonian Museum of American History. I really enjoyed it and loved all the different exhibits. They had a section about America's First Ladies and even had some gowns and personal items that some of these ladies wore and of course their pictures; a section on presidents and those who died in office and died from illness while in office; a section about the secret service and their importance in protecting our presidents and other officials; a section on American life; Julia Child's kitchen and her copper pots/pans collection; a section on inventions; section about science; I'm sure I'm forgetting some things. My most favorite was the exhibit about the American flag and song 'Star Spangled Banner'. It was very touching and it was so neat to see the original flag. I wanted to sing as we were walking through it. Eun and I had a nice time sharing experiences and I'm glad she was able to clear her schedule to spend the day with me. After we finished at the museum, we met up with Winnchee and Rochelle at Dupont Circle. They also have lots of shops and restaurants in this area. We had crepes for dinner and then went to get dessert at this french bakery. Yummy..... yummy... yummy... I had the chocolate mousse cake :-) brings a smile to your face.

Thursday, i couldn't get up coz my foot hurt and I was very tired. So, I stayed home and took it very easy. The only thing I did was go to the grocery store with Winnchee when she got home from work. I must have taken a very long nap coz the last thing I remembered was that I was talking to Ats and then the next thing I knew, Winnchee was there from work already. I'm glad I took a nap coz I was not feeling too well after all that walking.

Today, I decided that I would go back and see another museum. It doesn't seem right that there's all these museums to go to and I don't want to miss the opportunity. So, I ventured out on the Metro again and went to the Air and Space museum. It was very cool. Loved' seeing all the aircrafts, from the Jenny's' they used to transport mail, to the 727s, 737s, 747s, the sea aircrafts and then all the space modules, the Hubble telescope, etc. I watched a movie about Black Holes, which was pretty interesting to me. I also enjoyed reading about the Apollo missions and all the other missions to the moon. I really liked the paintings of Alan Bean, who was also an astronaut himself and when he left NASA decided to paint about his experiences and other astronaut's experiences in space. He gave his paintings a texture surface using imprints from his moon boots, the hammer he used and even moon dust. He's a great artist and I enjoyed seeing the process he used and the reasoning behind it.

At 5, I met Bryan @ the Sculpture Garden, about 2 blocks away and a little later, Winnchee met us there as well. We listened to Jazz and watched the people around us. It was a very nice concert and although the sun was a little hotter today than yesterday, the weather was till perfect for being outside. Alot of people had brought picnics for their supper as well. We decided to head towards home and had dinner at a Malaysian restaurant called Penang. I have always loved Malaysian food, especially roti and curry and this was so delicious. Every dish we got was yummy :-) it hit the spot for me :-) and for dessert? sticky rice and mango. Yes. We took the circulator home. I love this circulator and discovered that DC also has a circulator, but I don't know if that one is free or not. I am so very tired and after taking a shower, Winnchee put some oils on my back... my feet are also hurting...

I am so glad I went today. I am discovering that it's not too bad going to places by myself. I am quite proud of myself venturing out in a new place. I was a little anxious there in the beginning, especially since I still get dizzy once in a while and when I am in pain, it's hard for me to continue. But, I told myself that I can always ask for help and this has helped me quell my fear and anxiety. I have enjoyed it and discovered that it's not so bad at all. I actually love the Metro (train) system here. I believe it is better than Chicago's and maybe even better than New York's. Why you ask? The train system here connects you to city and suburb without having to transfer to different trains (Chicago's El trains are for the city and Metra for the suburbs). There are also maps of the whole train system not only inside the trains but on the platforms, so you can always try to figure out where you're going. It's pretty easy to navigate, even for tourists like me. Tonight, when we got off the Metro, we walked out to Montgomery street and guess what building I saw? The AOTA (American Association of Occupational Therapy) building!!! How cool is that? ...and it's down the street from their house. I am just finding all sorts of interesting things here. And now, I must say good-night because I'm very tired. I hope you enjoy your holiday week-end. We'll see what new adventures we'll have this week-end :-)