Milestones

Last week was a busy week and in looking back, made me realize that although I have been be-moaning the length of my healing process, I have indeed, been blessed and fortunate enough to be on my way to healing. As I have said before, it was not only me who has suffered through this. Our families and very close friends, whether near or far, have experienced some sort of distress and break from the normal routines and structure due to my cancer. But out of everyone, Frendell has suffered the most. He has valiantly stood by me and never complained at the lot he had been given. He put aside his needs in order to meet mine. He sacrificed time and sleep to watch over me and make sure that I got my sleep and got to all my appointments. Even now, he still continues to drive me and re-arranges his life to accommodate mine. Unfortunately, this has taken a toll on him. And he has suffered from burnout as a caregiver. The healing process usually begins with acknowledging that there is a problem. And for several weeks now, he has gone and initiated getting help for himself. Last Thursday night, we went to the Wellness House and attended a seminar on how to deal with stress when you are a caregiver. It was a very educational and most importantly, an eye-opening experience for me. I knew the stress he was under, but in my pain, I neglected to appreciate what he was going through as well, having all the responsibility, not only for his job, but for me, our finances, our home. I appreciated so much hearing what the others there said of how they were feeling and sometimes they felt hopeless and unappreciated. I felt really bad and Frendell and I had a very nice long talk afterwards. My heart overflows from the love he has shown me, and I hope and pray that I will give him the same support and tender care as he himself goes through his healing process. Sometimes when I can't sleep or if I wake up really early, I just lay in bed watching Mahal sleep and I say a prayer of thanks for this man who has done so much for me. I can't help but fall in love with him all over again and if I were asked if I would do it all over again, I would say that I couldn't even imagine going through all that we've gone through without him by my side. I don't know how long it will take, but there is hope that the journey of healing has begun for Mahal. I am more than ever, grateful for the Wellness House. They have been there for us every step of the way. I wish so much I could do the walk and convince all my friends to walk and help raise money for it. The programs they offer and the emotional support they provide, for all who are touched by cancer, cannot be matched.

On Friday, another milestone was reached. I was asked to do an evaluation!! So for the first time in over a year, I went out to do an evaluation with Carol. I was very nervous and anxious about how it will all turn out. I was so scared that I would forget to ask the right questions (and I did forget to ask some) and that I wouldn't know how to explain to the parent what I was doing and what I meant. I am so blessed that I have my dear friend Carol to do my evaluations with. She calms me and reminds me that I have done this before. She makes me laugh and reassures me that things will come back to me. She helped me by doing all the handling during the eval and she asked the questions I forgot to ask. I couldn't have done it without Carol. And in the end, she even drove me home. Carol, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I love how you have gone beyond our professional relationship and have shown me such love and support, even when I feel like I'm floundering. You always believed that I could go back to work, albeit slower than a turtle. Thank you for helping me and giving me courage to jump in. I hope that we will do many more evaluations together soon :-) After it was all said and done and I got home, I took a 2 - 3 hour nap. I was so tired from sitting on the floor and all the anxiety I experienced prior to the event. Even now, i am still working on typing the report and my mind feels like it's being stretched to the limit. I hope that it gets easier with time.

Earlier in the day, I had gone to the Coleman Foundation at the cancer center to meet with the nurse, Lisa. I always enjoy meeting with Lisa because every session with her is like going to my therapist. She is kind and exudes empathy. She answers all the my questions and will search for that right bra or prosthetic because she understands and knows how breast cancer survivors feel with their self-image. That day, she re-measured me for a new sleeve. I was so happy when she said that I went down a size!!! yeay!! that means that the lymphedema is slowly going down. Although I still have pain and numbness and tingling, I have more mobility and as Linda (my awesome PT) told me at my last session, "you have less tightness in your right armpit". Woo-hoo!! My arm gets tired easily... in fact, I can't write a whole thank you note without taking a break. But I am using it as much as I can so that I can gain arm strength. Even playing the piano is tiring...but I am glad I can still play :-)

Tomorrow, I am going to Florida to visit family there. Even though I am anxious about going through security again by myself, I am excited to see everyone there. Another opportunity for distraction from life. A year ago yesterday, I had my biopsy... and I remember that I was trying to distract myself during the days that followed.. hoping that the news would be good and that I did not have cancer. It was not to be. Even though things did not turn out as I wanted them to, tonight I am so grateful that I have celebrated significant milestones... a sure sign that hope is going strong in this journey through cancer.