What Cancer Cannot Do

What Cancer Cannot Do

It cannot steal eternal life

invade the soul

shatter hope.

Cancer cannot

destroy peace

suppress memories

silence courage

conquer the spirit

kill friendship

corrode faith

cripple love.

I don't know who wrote this beautiful poem about what cancer cannot do. I don't even remember accurately where I found it; I think it was at the American Cancer Society website. I'm glad whoever wrote it decided to share it with others. And I share it with you, to share with those you know are facing or have faced their own journey through cancer. It cannot silence courage... it cannot corrode faith... it cannot cripple love.

A look back...2 years ago

I am sitting here reflecting on the last couple of years. I want to write here some excerpts from my journal from 2 years ago. "On Oct 2, 2008, Dr. Fearon called me at 9 o.m. to tell me that I have a "highly suspicious tumor, intracystic papillary carcinoma". After having a diagnostic mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, blood test, chest x-ray and an MRI, it was confirmed. We had many discussions between ourselves and then again with our medical team on what to do. We were scheduled to leave for a mission trip to Mindanao in 34 days. We decided that a lumpectomy will be done 2 weeks prior to our departure date to remove the tumor. This will be followed by our mission trip and then when we return, we will meet again as a team to decide on the course of treatment. They strongly suggest radiation as this has had the highest success rate in women who have had lumpectomies.

Through the announcement of our news 2 years ago, the floodgates of love, support and prayers have poured. We are truly blessed in more ways that we could have even imagined. My husband has held me and cried with me and talked with me about the changes that will inevitably happen to us. He has been and continues to be my tower of strength and courage. This has placed an unfair burden and responsibility on him and I pray that he will find comfort and relief through friends, family and support groups as we journey this road together. 

I am in awe of our family - the Velasco's and the Reyes's and everyone attached to them by blood or by marriage or by just plain adoption by love. They have been unfailing in their support, in more ways than possible to imagine. They have prayed, cried, flown here to be with us, sent flowers, cards, chocolates, oils, etc, more oils, etc, since my back surgery back in March 2008. What a blessed creature I am - to be surrounding by a loving, praying family - our anchor has been our faith in Jesus Christ. 

How do I even begin to express my gratitude to all our friends and church family, too many to name here, but so significant in how they've cheered us , comforted, supported and prayed for us and with us. On the night that my diagnosis was confirmed on 10/15/08, I was on the phone with Mom when I received a text from Mariezel. It said, "Let us know if you need n e thing cuz we R standing right outside ur window". Sure enough, at 10:30 p.m., Mariezel, Presa and Amabel drove to our house so they can share their love and comfort. I remembered thinking then that looking out my windows gave me the hope I needed at the time, when i saw the faces of my friends. We prayed, laughed and hoped and encouraged each other. I have always been fascinated by the beauty of windows - but that night I had a realization that windows are like doors of hope. When I look outside, I see friends who offer hope and prayer. When I'm outside looking in, I see warmth, comfort and love of family, sometimes friends, always my Heavenly Father. I call them my windows of HOPE. In the days that followed, so many other friends poured their love and support, from offering and giving me rides to my appointments, taking me to lunch, cooking for us, sending baskets of goodies, copying/faxing documents I needed for my state audit, listening to my fears and concerns and just being there with me, making sure I was not alone in facing those first confusing days from diagnosis. It boggles my mind how creative they have been and how they anticipated my needs before I even knew them. 

Through all the trials and challenges, my prayers is that i will decrease and God will increase. My His Name be honored and glorified in our lives, no matter what happens".  And so the story of our journey through breast cancer began... and 2 years later, we can honestly say that our faith has grown as we have grown through all the different challenges that we had to face. It is not always easy and there are still challenges even today, but we are surrounded by so many who have made sure we would not face these times alone. I fully believe that God orchestrated this whole journey so that I will learn that He is in charge of my life, that He knows what is best for me and most of all, that He will always be there for me no matter what happens, no matter what I face. It is a very difficult lesson to learn, but I am beginning to like the fact that I am learning it.

When God surprised me 2

Ah, you thought that was the end of the story, eh? Well, not quite. I got home on Monday and was browsing through the mail. Let me tell you a little background story that I'm not very proud to relate. About two weeks ago, I had decided to put together a newsletter about our mission trip this coming January to Mindanao. Fr & I discussed the pros and con. He preferred not to do one; he wanted to see what God will do to provide  and we'll go from there. It was becoming increasingly hard to tell people about SULADS and about the trip; I felt that it was taking too long to explain and I didn't know all the names of the places we were going to. So I told him that he will have his way and I will have mine. And mine was to do a newsletter. If we get responses, great, if not, then at least I can say I tried. So, I put it together and went to my address book to mail them out to people. Now mind you, I lost most of my addresses in a syncing mishap between my computer and I-touch earlier this year, so I didn't have very many addresses left. As I was going through my list, I felt this overwhelming sense of embarrassment. For one reason or another, I have always been embarrassed to ask for money, even if it's not for me, no matter how worthy the cause. I had to do some serious self-talk that morning, aloud too. I told myself that this is for God's work in Mindanao and I should not be embarrassed to ask for money on behalf of God. So, that hurdle was jumped. I came across several names that I thought I should skip because I know for a fact that they're struggling financially or would probably have other projects they're already sponsoring. That was a huge hurdle for me to jump; it was like pole-vaulting up to the sky. Again, self-talk, out loud. I prayed that God will give me even a little bit of faith and that I would stop putting Him in a box where I felt comfortable and believed I knew what He was all about. 


So, Monday, as I was browsing through the mail, two envelopes fell out of the pile of junk mail I was sorting through. I literally had to sit down and catch my breath. Why, you ask? As I opened the envelope of one of the cards that were sent, a check for $200.00 fell out. Do you know who it came from? If you guessed it came from one of those names I hesitated over, then you are so right. I read the accompanying letter and in it she wrote that she has always wanted to go and help with SULADS but never had enough funds or time; but when she heard we were going, she felt she could help us in our endeavors and she will feel like she's also gone and helped. I was crying as I finished the letter and I was so ashamed of myself for even thinking that I could predict who God will touch and who He will use for this mission trip. I sat for a long while contemplating on the lesson of God's surprises. I did not see that coming at all.  I wished Frendell was home so I could tell him all about it. In the meantime, I opened my FB and low and behold, his cousin from Cali had emailed asking if we could use kids and baby clothes to send. I hurriedly emailed back and said yes. So, I talked to her and in spite of all the challenges they're going through in getting their home fixed and traveling back and forth for work, they were touched by God to send some help for the little children in Mindanao. Again, who was I to know what people would be inspired to give? By the time Frendell got home, my mouth was kinda hanging open already and I was walking around in a daze. I thought I was so smart and knew who would give and who wouldn't... I was so wrong...


Not the end yet... early in the afternoon, I got a call from my former boss asking me if I would be interested in working in a new grant that she has just been awarded.  What?!?  I needed to lie down by then. It was as if God was standing next to me, bumping my shoulders, laughing and asking me, 'who's in control now? did you think you knew everything that was going on?'.   Although we are just in the exploratory phases of this latest surprise, it made me realize that I really had an issue with letting God take control of everything in my life. I had fully thought and expected that I could predict and I knew how things were going to happen, what needs to happen, how it would happen. Frendell & I were so flummoxed and in awe of all that's happening. I cried as I was telling him of the lessons I was learning. We couldn't sleep that night and just kept talking until the wee hours of the morning, excited to be in the moment when we realized that God was surprising us with His presence, with His grace and with His hope. I couldn't help but think about how the last two years have been. No doubt about it, it has been the hardest of our entire lives: broken dreams, broken health, broken finances, broken relationships, broken lives.... I think about a year ago, I couldn't sleep at night and I would think about how my life was now in a million pieces, scattered all around and I didn't know how to pick them up and put them all back together. That Monday night I learned a big lesson that I initially refused and resisted to learn... that I did not have to pick up the pieces by myself. If I had learned to let go of controlling them and allowed God to pick up the pieces for me, He would have gladly done so and He would have re-shaped me into the daughter He wanted me to be. I am so glad He gave me a second chance. I still don't know how all the pieces will fit together and what the finished vase will look like. All I know is that seeing His surprises were like getting huge, warm and comforting hugs from Him and this, my dear family and friends, have given me the greatest hope of all. I am crying even as I write this because in my brokenness, He has given me hope and courage and love.... and the greatest of these is LOVE because it is carried in the wings of HOPE. 

When God surprised me

Have you ever had moments when you were so aware that God was surprising you and it took your breath away? Have you ever had moments when you realized that your faith was nothing to what you thought it was? Have you ever been a situation where you realized that you had put God in a box and now He's showing you that He is not to be contained.  What a week we have had. I say we because Mahal and I are very much in this journey together. Last week was my week at the hospital, meaning between doctors appointments, treatment and blood tests, we were there almost daily. The good news is that it seems to be happening less and less, but every once in a while, it does happen and we end up in the same location several days in a row. And I ask why were the appts not made for the same day? Anyhow, enough of my complaining. The great news is that the medication for Graves Disease seems to be working. Dr. Mazhari, the most outgoing and friendly doctor I have ever encountered in my life, was so excited to tell me that the thyroid levels have now stabilized.  Yeay!!!! However, the eye disease remains to be seen. She said that we have to continue monitoring the thyroid levels and my white cell count. Over the week-end, I woke up with a temp and coughing and Frendell & I had a discussion whether or not I needed to go to the ER or wait until Monday when I was already scheduled for blood work. The doctor now gave us specific parameters to look for: temp of 100.3, sore throat, feeling sick, not feeling well, go to the lab and get my blood drawn; if the lab is closed, then go to the ER and then call her. She also wants us to look out for yellowing of the eyes and the skin. I told her I always had a tint of yellow in my skin, but she said it will be noticeable. She is keeping a close eye on my liver function and white cell count. If the thyroid levels remain a normal or close to normal, she will reduce the dosage. She gave me an okay to go on the mission trip!! Woo-hoo!! I will see her the week before we leave, just to make sure all my levels are as normal as possible. One down, three to go.


On Wed, after my tx, I was discussing with the oncology nurse that Dr. Fearon wanted Dr. Robinson's okay for an annual mammogram order. We weren't too sure how soon she wanted me to get one since I had an MRI earlier this year. By chance, or was it orchestrated by God?, Dr. R came out of a patient room, just as I was exiting mine with Janine. She asked how I was doing, so I told her all that's happening. I briefly mentioned that we were planning a mission trip. She asked where? So I told her. And I asked her if she thought it would be safe for me to go. She was so excited and and enthusiastically said "YES!!". Shocked Janine, as she was just telling me that she didn't think it would be a great idea for me to be in a place where medical help would not be readily available and I would be exposed to children/people who have not had the same vaccinations that I've had. Anyways, I looked at her in shock as Dr. R told her to check with the travel dept to see what shots I will need before hand. She does want me to have HEP A, B & C done before I go. So, I will talk with the primary, Dr. F and see what she has to say.  I thought the oncologist would be the hard sell in this whole thing. We still have to figure out what to do about my treatment for that month, but I'm hoping I can take my medicine with me and then find a doctor/nurse there to give me my shot. I was so happy and quite frankly, a little shocked, that she was so happy for me to go. She told me before I left that she was so glad to see me living life and moving forward, even with all the things that have happened. I wanted to cry but there were other patients and nurses walking around. At that moment, it really felt like God was giving me a hug. She remembered that almost exactly 2 years ago (Oct 2, 2008), I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And 2 weeks later, Frendell & I were in a conference room with the medical team, arguing and discussing whether or not I should go on that mission trip to Mindanao. It was basically all of them against me. Even Frendell wanted to cancel the trip; he wanted me to have the surgery right away and start treatment right away. I will post excerpts from my journal during those early days of diagnosis. If we didn't go on that first mission trip, this second one would never have happened. It should've taught me not to put God in my narrow box, but it is a long and hard journey for me to learn.  So, two out of four have already given me the okay to go!!! This was so different than the last time we went. Dr. R was so pleased at how well I'm doing and she was happy to hear that the thyroid levels are normal for the time being. We all know it could sway either way at any time, but for the time being, we are happy where it is. First "normal" levels I've heard in a while.  True life lesson, isn't it? Things in life could sway either way, but we need to learn to enjoy the moments of today and make sure we are living it to the best we can, for His honor, for His glory.  Great news, indeed!!!

Eye follow-up

So I went to see the oculoplastics a couple of days ago. He measured and checked. The incision is completely healed already. He said I could keep doing the exercise to see if the lid will go down a little bit more. He wants me to go back to the optometrist to see if I can be refitted for new contacts. He thinks that maybe the lid is in a different position now and this is causing the contacts to pop out when I put them on. I sure hope it will get resolved soon.  I can only put them on for an hour or so before they 'pop' out and I still have a hard time seeing from the left. He said that the eye has not 'stabilized' yet but its not retracting as fast as prior to surgery and my taking meds for Graves. So, that's good news for me :-)  I hope that things will stabilize very soon. The eye lashes are still poking the eye and this is causing some redness and dryness. He said the only way to really deal with this is to have surgery but he does not want to do until everything has stabilized. I pray that things settle down soon so I can see better again.


Today I got a wonderful surprise. Carol and her husband Roger came over and changed the spigot of the outside faucet. That was so nice of them to do that. I told Carol that I wanted to plant some flowers outside but didn't coz I had to haul water from inside the kitchen to the front just to water the plants. She told Roger and they came over today to fix it. I hope it will work. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who help even in the minute details of life.  I hope you're having a great week :-) Take care of yourself and hope to talk to you soon.

Heart

 Just trying to plug along these days. Next week will be crazy with daily appts for blood work, doctor's appt and my treatment... why can't it all be scheduled for the same day????  sorry, that's my rant and rave for the day :-)


I've really been having a hard time with sleeping and I think it is starting to affect my heart. I've been experiencing a lot of heart pain and have been trying to determine if I need to go to the ER or not. Coupled with this is a cold that has been lingering so I've had an upset stomach and all and nothing tastes right or feels right, so I'm kinda confused. The tachycardia I know is from the Graves disease but I was thinking/hoping that that should've improved because I've been on the thyroid medicine for almost a month now and my levels should be improving. Sometimes I wake up at night and my heart hurts literally.... not squeezing pain but sometimes shooting pain. I've had some of these symptoms before, have had ECHO and EKGs done and it's always normal.... but sometimes I can't help but feel concerned that I should be paying more attention to it than not. I'll have to remember to ask the endocrinologist about the heart involvement for Graves disease.


The left eye continues to heal but I still am not able to put on the contacts. It's very frustrating as I have a harder time seeing with glasses -peripheral vision is so affected for me. I think the problems is that the left eyeball is bulging out further now that it's hard keeping the contacts in the eye; it keeps popping out. I can literally feel my eyeball protruding more than usual. Kinda scary and gross at the same time :-(   I'm still having a hard time seeing from the left eye.  I'm just glad I'm able to magnify the letters on email, otherwise I wouldn't be able to update or read email and stuff.


We continue to pray for and plan for the upcoming mission trip. Everyday I self talk that it's good to focus on someone else who has less than I do. It really helps me from feeling sorry for myself and I realize that inspite of what I feel I don't have here, there are so many that have even less than me. I've written up a newsletter  about the mission trip, where we're going, etc. I promise I will talk to all the pertinent doctors before making the final decision to go and I will ask if I am medically stable enough to go. I think I am as the  medicines all seem to be doing their jobs. To be honest, Frendell does not want me to go and would rather I stay, either home or in Manila, but I'd really like to go and meet the indigenous students, take their pictures and tell their stories  to you. I can only do that if I go. It will help remind me that life is bigger than cancer and Graves disease and medications and surgeries and blood work and treatment. But I know all those things have to be considered as well, so I will not be stubborn and flippant. I have been working with the medical team and will ask my questions and hopefully be able to make my final decision soon. Please keep us in your prayers. Frendell is crazy-busy with so many projects and work demands and driving me to my medical appts.. poor guy needs some alone vacation time just to recuperate :-). As soon as I can go back to work and earn some money, I will send him on a fishing trip ALONE :-)


Have had some distressing and heartbreaking news from some friends lately.  Been praying for them and hoping that healing will start now; most of all I pray that they will feel the love and support of a community of people surrounding them. It constantly reminds me that life is not just about me and my needs... I am trying not to be so selfish and I'm hoping that in focusing on others and their needs that God is reconstructing my heart to resemble more His heart for others. I thank you all for your love and support and I hope we will open our hearts to His calling, His whispers. 

Follow-up

So I've seen the doctor twice since the surgery, Friday and Monday. On Monday, Dr. Yoo says he's pleased with the progress and healing that's going on. The swelling is starting to go down and so is the pain. He has told me to stop icing but continue with putting the antibiotic 6x/day. I still take tylenol but not as often as before. On both visits, I could not see out of the the left eye. He assured me that I should be able to see out of it soon enough. Apparently the bottom eyelashes are still poking straight into my eyes causing some redness and discomfort. It hurts to even blink but I know it's starting to heal because it sometimes gets itchy. I can't wait to b e able to see I haven't been able to walk out for exercise because I'm afraid I'm going to trip on something. i hope I'll be able to wear contacts soon :-)


The last several days have brought so many friends to come and visit. They brought food, flowers, cards, gifts and lots of love and prayers. Mahal and I are overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support that have been sent our way. God has blessed us so much and I am humbly reminded that He is taking care of us and our needs. Last night, a very special family friend came over and during our visit she reminded us the God is with us every step of the way, even though we may not 'feel' He is around, He is there and He understands how we're feeling. I am so thankful for healing and for the great care I have been getting, from so many people.


And even as I am getting better, I received a call from a dear friend who told me she just got diagnosed with breast cancer herself. I felt so bad and wished I knew how to comfort her during this devastating time.  It is never easy to receive such bad news. She is very hopeful as the doctors have told her the cancer is at the very early stages. I hope for her sake that she does not have to have such invasive procedures done. I keep her and her family in my prayers and I ask that you remember her in your prayers as well. I hope I can be as good a friend to her as she faces her own journey through cancer as she has been for me through mine. Facing cancer is never easy and i am so glad that I can be there for her as she and so many others had been there for me. Truly, no man is an island, no man stands alone.