3 days

As I sat in my support group yesterday, I was again made aware that 2 new faces were there, newly diagnosed with breast cancer. It continues to turn lives upside down and more people are affected by this disease. I am humbled by the fact that I am so fortunate that I have healed enough to be able to do this walk on Sunday. I told the women there that I am also walking on their behalf and we are all fighting this disease together. It is so hard to hear how they continue to suffer from side effects of chemo and/or radiation. I think almost every one there said how tired we were.. that has been one of our most common themes, plus bone and joint pain and nausea. One lady has a very advanced case of sarcoma, not breast cancer, and I could not even imagine what she's going through. She has to have 14 bouts of chemotherapy every 3 weeks... and she has to be in the hospital either 3 days or 6 days while she's doing chemotherapy. Hearing what she's had to go through and being yanked from a career she enjoyed and now having to live with a family member and not knowing what to do about her future... I think all of us can related to what she's going through... but I can't imagine have to have chemo until a week before Thanksgiving. I admire her courage and fight for her life... she even came to group, even though she did not feel well. I am ever always humbled by the zest for life these women have and I always feel like I'm such a whiner when I complain about my stuff. The devastation of cancer is so very real, so very painful, so very permanent. I continue to keep my eyes open.. I know God is there and I am wanting to know and waiting to see what He wants to me learn from this whole thing. I pray for my heart to be less stubborn and more open.

IF I HAD TO LIVE MY LIFE OVER AGAIN by Emma Bombeck

written after she found out she was dying from cancer

I would have gone to bed when i was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains....

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bough anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the one chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner'. There would have been more "I love you's" More "I'm sorry's".

I will complete the whole thing tomorrow.. only 2 more paragraphs left. Thank you for your commitment to impact others lives with your joining this cause.  I am excited to see you all there on Sunday!! Enjoy your day

love,

Glady :-)

4 days down

Good morning team. I have been sitting here for about a half hour thinking of what I will write you to give you encouragement today. I want to share an article written by Erma Bombeck (she was a comedian/writer) after she found out she was dying from cancer. I will post parts of her article everyday until the walk. I am reminded daily of how much my life has changed because of cancer... I woke up very early today because I have throbbing in my armpit and also in the chest area... I tried to clean the house yesterday and I did remember to take breaks in between. I guess it will just take time to really completely heal :-(   I am grateful to all of you, because you have shown your love and support and continue to do so, even for those you haven't met. Walking and raising money for breast cancer research and for its support to families affected by it will impact more than me.... it will impact thousands who suffer from it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

IF I HAD TO DO MY LIFE OVER AGAIN By Erma Bombeck

(written after she found out she was dying from cancer)

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I am trying to learn to savor and learn from each day. Many times I have to make the conscious effort to tell myself to be thankful for all my blessings... it's hard to do when you're in the midst of pain and confusion. I've had enough miracles, even lately to know that God is always in control, is always there, is always taking care of us... and yet, I struggle to completely abandon my control on things (which I am slowly accepting is all in my head anyways) and just let Him do what He needs to do with me. I ask for forgiveness for my hard-headedness... I hope you walk today to get ready for Sunday.

5 days

5 days left until the walk. I am trying to get laundry and housecleaning done, as we are to have alot of people here this week-end. So, I have been using my arm more than usual and it is telling me I have been using it. I have had alot of throbbing pain in the armpit and also around the reconstruction area. Sometimes it feels like its pulling on the skin. I've been thinking more about the procedure the surgeon talked to me about... I am wondering if getting that done will help decrease the pain. we shall see I guess.

I finally put the iron ons on our shirts and they look fabulous :-)  I put it on white shirts and they design just pops out. Our friend Dr. Jimi James Rodgriguez (aka Ron) really did an awesome job with it!!  I cannot wait to wear it. I have not even looked at the shirt that Network of Strength sent... all I know is it's pink in color :-)

So, get out there and walk today.  The meteorologists say that Sunday will be the only dry day for the next 7 days. I'm so glad.. I would hate to walk out in the rain... 5 more days!!

6 Days Until the Walk

I can't believe that the Walk To Empower for breast cancer is only 6 days away. Our team, led by our captain, our good friend Faith Langtiw and her team: Ron and Claress Rodriguez and Sharon Alava provided us with a team logo and an iron-0n for our team T-shirts. I am so excited.. Ron created the design and it embodies what the message of the walk carries: MPower. We hope this will encourage all of you in whatever endeavor you set out to do... I have been empowered by these loving friends.. from the first moment when Faith asked me if I wanted to do the walk on Mothers Day, she has empowered me to get up and walk everyday to train for this event. They organized our team, set up the website, and so many other friends and family have joined us, both to walk and also to raise money for breast cancer research and support. It is encouraging, humbling and kinda scary for me.. I don't know how I'll feel on Sunday. I got my bib in the mail today and on the front of it, it says: Walking on behalf of ______  and you can write your name there. There are so many names i can put on that small piece of paper... what is hardest will be putting my own name down.  Everyday I am grateful I am still here and am actually healing very well... but the devastating loss I feel sometimes overwhelms me. Many times I feel very confused on what to do next and how to move forward.

I've had a cold since we got back from Canada and it's taking me so long to get rid of it. I am so tired and fatigued most of the time. The day was so nice yesterday that Frendell asked me to walk at Wheaton College and we took pictures around the campus. It concerns me that I was tired and I don't even think I made it to one mile. I had to take a nap when I got home :-(  My sleepless nights continue and as I use my right arm more, I have more pain on that side as well.  I have been resting as much as I can.. I don't have much of a choice... and as I sit here, frustrated because I want to do so much but don't have the energy to do so, I wonder how long this will last.. hopefully not too long.. I will drive myself crazy.

If you'd like to donate towards our cause, there's still time.  Our website is: http://walk.networkofstrength.org/MPower1

I hope you all consider to make a donation.. it will benefit so many who are fighting it as well as those who will still be diagnosed with it. Thank you all for your time and your support.

Happy birthday, Winnchee... I wish you could've walked with us this Sunday... maybe next year, we can plan to walk together somewhere :-)  love you, sis..

Back to reality

Home at last... it was raining most of the way home from Winnipeg. It has been so heartbreaking to see the devastation caused by the flooding of the River Rouge (in Winnipeg) and the Red River ( in North Dakota). Same river, such a vast area of damage. I was taking pictures of the flooding of fields, roads, barns, fences, trees, some homes.. and after a while, I realized that the pictures were all looking the same... water so high that it has reached the road, fields covered with water that it is not ready for planting, the railroad tracks almost covered with water... it was raining in every state we passed, as if the rain was following us home. I was trying to get comfortable and sleep as much as I could but poor Frendell had to drive through fog and rain to get us home safely to Chicago. Praise the Lord for His traveling mercies. We arrived home tired and weary but safe. 

Of course, I would like nothing better than to sleep, but as always, sleep is illusive. I feel very fatigued, as if the very hairs on my head are in pain. I have a headache and my whole body feels like I have the flu, although I do not have a fever or a cough or anything. Thank goodness Mom and Dad stayed overnight to rest before driving on to Virginia Beach today. Mom juiced to fortify us and she hooked me up to her bioelectrical machine to try and relieve my back pain. I like the feeling of the electrical pulses on my back and my arm and I think it does help with my back pain somewhat.

I tried to make lentil soup today. And it was sobering to realize that what my PT has told me and warned me about is actually true. Now mind you, I believed her when she told me to take breaks if I am to chop and cook, I just thought that the precautions do not necessarily apply to me. After all, I am usually the exception to the rule, aren't I? And my stubborn and arrogant mind thought that I would not experience consequences if I do not head her precautions to me... after all, I am a therapist myself and I have given thousands of precautions to patients through the years.  So now you know how dumb I am and how little I heed warnings. I did not even cut up a lot. I boiled some red lentils, which I soaked last night. First rule of thumb, do NOT pick up heavy things with your right arm/hand. So, I poured the water into the pot with my right arm, picked up the lentils and dumped them in the pot, with my right arm. Then, I thought I'd like some potatoes and zucchini and onions and maybe some kale added to this dish. Why not? So, I peel the potatoes, chop up all the vegetables and dump them into the pot, all with my right arm. Now, you would think by now that surely I would have rested my arm for at least 5 mins in between each  task, as my PT has told me to do. In my head, I could hear her warning and I even thought it merited some obedience. But then, my stupidity and hard-headedness won the argument and I thought if I finish this quickly, I surely could rest my arm sooner and longer. I even left the dishes in the sink to wash later...  Well, here I am now, in bed, with my right chest and armpit and arm throbbing, with shooting pain. I KNOW better. I even argued with myself in my head to follow the precautions.  The sad, sobering reality is that I was so wishing and hoping that this was not a permanent change in my life. In my pitiful mind, I thought that if I defied the warnings, maybe the reality that my life has changed will not be so blatantly obvious. Unless my arm is wrapped (to help with the edema), I almost forget that I must be careful in using the right arm. Several times in Winnipeg, Frendell and others have had to give me "the look of disapproval" as I did not even think about using the right arm and suffered the consequences of increased swelling and pain afterwards. I had to admit to myself today that I am grieving the changes I felt and saw in myself during this trip. I am so tired and was so tired the whole time I was there. I did not want to miss anything or any time with anybody that I did push myself probably more than I should have. And not being able to sleep did not help my situation at all. I made myself eat because I did not want to get sick, although most of the time, I was nauseated and was not able to taste the food too well, unless it was seasoned very well. I tried not to complain about the pain and swelling in my arm and the pain in my back, but I took more ES Tylenol than I have done since 2 weeks post-op and I even had to take some narcotics a couple of nights just so I could at least sleep for 4 hours, because I was so tired. I hated the fact that i did not have energy and felt like I was holding everyone back. I hated not being able to help with cooking and cleaning and even getting myself ready took forever. I hated the fact that I was in pain all the time and was irritable and grumpy for lack of sleep or was it a side-effect of the meds? or maybe I am just grumpy to begin with. I hated the fact that I felt old and sick and decrepit. 

What makes this whole pity-party/whining party so stupid is that I really don't have it so bad. It could be worse, but I am fortunate that it is not so for me. We visited a family friend last night who is battling with end-stage cancer.. and seeing the pain and discomfort our friend is in made me realize that I am such a selfish being for complaining. Our friend was trying to be happy and cheerful but we could tell that our friend was in excruciating pain and could not get comfortable. It reminded me of the first 4 weeks post-op for me, where no position offered comfort. And as I was told often since I've started to go out in public more, I do look well and not sick at all. Some people have even come up to me and told me I do not look like I have cancer, like I was never sick at all. I'm not sure how a cancer patient is supposed to look like, but if they could see behind the smile and the make-up, sometimes they may see my fatigue and my pain. You see, I am a selfish being... always thinking of me. Last night, I was made aware again of how fragile life is and when a devastating illness like cancer comes into our lives, it is so easy to be bitter and angry and give-up. We can berate ourselves for not taking care of ourselves better, for not listening to advice about lifestyle years ago, for so many other things that people try to tell you you should've done to avoid it. The truth of the matter is, no one has to tell you any of those things anymore, because they run through your head in the dead of the night, when you wish you could sleep, but all you have for company are the thoughts in your head and the streetlamp outside. No one ever warned me that half the battle of fighting cancer is fighting the battle in your head... hope... home.. blood tests... treatments... PT... rain... lentil soup... swelling... walking outside... back to my reality...   enough melancholy for now, I need to go out and train for the Mothers Day walk... back to reality... walk... hope.. home

Heading Home

It has been an exhausting and sleepless week for all of us, but it has been very good to be around family and spend time together. Grandma has handled this great loss with dignity and grace and she has set the example of showing us all that she clings to the hope that we will see grandpa again when Jesus comes back for the resurrection. The legacy that Lolo left is ingrained in the grandkids and we all had a great time reminiscing of time spent with him. He left the family with 3 significant legacies: 1) family is priority... when he was able to, he rarely missed a meal with the family and will go to whoever needs him  2) do not waste anything: Ruth summed it up well: recycle, reuse and refurbish. He never wasted anything and tried to fix all that he could and never waste food. 3) incredible work ethic is how Frendell said it. Lolo would get up everyday and look around and see what needed to be done and then he would do it. No one had to ask him, no one had to remind him. He looked for purpose wherever he could.

But ALL, including me, will always remember Lolo for the wonderful chef/baker that he was. He worked for the Protocol Officer and also an American Journalist, both for the American Embassy in Manila, as a chef/baker. I remembered Lolo baking apple and rhubarb pies and Frendell's favorite, lemon meringue when we arrived to Chicago after we got married 17 years ago. Froy's memory of him was way back when they lived in Winnipeg and he and Frendell had to clean out some 'weeds' in the back. They avoided the chore until one day, he saw that all the weeds have been cleaned and Lolo was chopping the weeds in the kitchen. He was concerned that Lolo was going to eat the weeds. Later on, Lolo served them the weeds:  he had made it into rhubarb pie. Froy did not know that the 'weeds' were rhubarb... he had turned nothing into something good.  Kaydee reminded us all that even though Lolo was already 90-yrs-old when she got married in Florida in 2001, he flew down there with Lola and danced at her wedding. All the cousins got on the dance floor and danced with Lolo and Kaydee. We couldn't get Lola on the dance floor though, no matter how hard we tried :-)  Karen remembers Lolo always having either cookies or pies for her when she got home from school. Winnchee spent time in the kitchen with grandpa learning his recipes, especially for apple pie. And she was very close to getting it. All his 3 daughters inherited his love of cooking and his dedication to family. We met for the first time our cousin Lito Maggay, who resides in London, England. Even though he traveled far and was in dire need of sleep, he went along with the schedule and ate and laughed and cried and took pictures and walked and reminisced and looked at videos of Lolo and Lola and ate some more and just spent time together being together.  

After the internment on Friday, different cousins left for different parts of the country and US. Today, most of us will be gone, and Lola will be left behind with Auntie Rebing and Uncle Ruben and Auntie Mely and Uncle Ernie and a wonderful community of friends, who are like our family here in Winnipeg as well. I am always in awe when I see the human spirit of camaraderie and love of life lived out in the lives of people I know and encounter. It gives me hope and courage to face the hardships that life throws our way.  Lola will be in great hands. And in the center of it all is her incredible faith and hope in the promise that Jesus will one day reunite us all in heaven.  I am grateful to be a part of a family who has left me the legacy of faith in Jesus Christ. Both my own biological family and Frendell's family have given me the legacy of faith. 

Today, we will be heading home to Chicago.. full of sadness and grief, lacking sleep and rest, but overwhelmed with love and kindness and prayers from all our friends and family and most of all, from the one who has given us hope and comfort, our loving Father and Savior, Jesus Christ.  All week we have been celebrating Lolo's life and legacy and even though we have said a temporary good-bye here, we are all 'heading home' to that wonderful place called heaven. Heading home: to be with all our loved ones, when all tears will be wiped away and we will never have to say good-bye again. Sobering and challenging thoughts on a Sunday morning, as I sit here in the kitchen watching Auntie Rebing cook breakfast. Heading home... doctor's appointments, treatments, walking, PT, rest and hopefully sleep.  

Winnipeg

We're heading to Winnipeg in a couple of hours for Grandpa's funeral. It will be good to be with all the family and surround grandma during this very difficult time for her. I am anxious about the trip, as it has been uncomfortable for me to drive even for just a couple of hours.. but, we will pray and try to be as comfortable as possible. Mom and Dad want to get to Winnipeg as soon as possible.. I am tired already and we haven't even left yet :-)

My PT, Rommelle, told me to make sure I wrap my arm and to do the massage. I will have Frendell wrap my arm right before we leave. I hate that its so cumbersome, but it does help. I get lots of pain in the armpit area.. throbbing, when my arm has dangled for a bit. 

so, I will sign off for now and don't know when I'll have access to the internet again. you all have an awesome week and keep us in your prayers. I will battle fatigue and pain and lack of sleep... not a very good combination.