Back to reality

Home at last... it was raining most of the way home from Winnipeg. It has been so heartbreaking to see the devastation caused by the flooding of the River Rouge (in Winnipeg) and the Red River ( in North Dakota). Same river, such a vast area of damage. I was taking pictures of the flooding of fields, roads, barns, fences, trees, some homes.. and after a while, I realized that the pictures were all looking the same... water so high that it has reached the road, fields covered with water that it is not ready for planting, the railroad tracks almost covered with water... it was raining in every state we passed, as if the rain was following us home. I was trying to get comfortable and sleep as much as I could but poor Frendell had to drive through fog and rain to get us home safely to Chicago. Praise the Lord for His traveling mercies. We arrived home tired and weary but safe. 

Of course, I would like nothing better than to sleep, but as always, sleep is illusive. I feel very fatigued, as if the very hairs on my head are in pain. I have a headache and my whole body feels like I have the flu, although I do not have a fever or a cough or anything. Thank goodness Mom and Dad stayed overnight to rest before driving on to Virginia Beach today. Mom juiced to fortify us and she hooked me up to her bioelectrical machine to try and relieve my back pain. I like the feeling of the electrical pulses on my back and my arm and I think it does help with my back pain somewhat.

I tried to make lentil soup today. And it was sobering to realize that what my PT has told me and warned me about is actually true. Now mind you, I believed her when she told me to take breaks if I am to chop and cook, I just thought that the precautions do not necessarily apply to me. After all, I am usually the exception to the rule, aren't I? And my stubborn and arrogant mind thought that I would not experience consequences if I do not head her precautions to me... after all, I am a therapist myself and I have given thousands of precautions to patients through the years.  So now you know how dumb I am and how little I heed warnings. I did not even cut up a lot. I boiled some red lentils, which I soaked last night. First rule of thumb, do NOT pick up heavy things with your right arm/hand. So, I poured the water into the pot with my right arm, picked up the lentils and dumped them in the pot, with my right arm. Then, I thought I'd like some potatoes and zucchini and onions and maybe some kale added to this dish. Why not? So, I peel the potatoes, chop up all the vegetables and dump them into the pot, all with my right arm. Now, you would think by now that surely I would have rested my arm for at least 5 mins in between each  task, as my PT has told me to do. In my head, I could hear her warning and I even thought it merited some obedience. But then, my stupidity and hard-headedness won the argument and I thought if I finish this quickly, I surely could rest my arm sooner and longer. I even left the dishes in the sink to wash later...  Well, here I am now, in bed, with my right chest and armpit and arm throbbing, with shooting pain. I KNOW better. I even argued with myself in my head to follow the precautions.  The sad, sobering reality is that I was so wishing and hoping that this was not a permanent change in my life. In my pitiful mind, I thought that if I defied the warnings, maybe the reality that my life has changed will not be so blatantly obvious. Unless my arm is wrapped (to help with the edema), I almost forget that I must be careful in using the right arm. Several times in Winnipeg, Frendell and others have had to give me "the look of disapproval" as I did not even think about using the right arm and suffered the consequences of increased swelling and pain afterwards. I had to admit to myself today that I am grieving the changes I felt and saw in myself during this trip. I am so tired and was so tired the whole time I was there. I did not want to miss anything or any time with anybody that I did push myself probably more than I should have. And not being able to sleep did not help my situation at all. I made myself eat because I did not want to get sick, although most of the time, I was nauseated and was not able to taste the food too well, unless it was seasoned very well. I tried not to complain about the pain and swelling in my arm and the pain in my back, but I took more ES Tylenol than I have done since 2 weeks post-op and I even had to take some narcotics a couple of nights just so I could at least sleep for 4 hours, because I was so tired. I hated the fact that i did not have energy and felt like I was holding everyone back. I hated not being able to help with cooking and cleaning and even getting myself ready took forever. I hated the fact that I was in pain all the time and was irritable and grumpy for lack of sleep or was it a side-effect of the meds? or maybe I am just grumpy to begin with. I hated the fact that I felt old and sick and decrepit. 

What makes this whole pity-party/whining party so stupid is that I really don't have it so bad. It could be worse, but I am fortunate that it is not so for me. We visited a family friend last night who is battling with end-stage cancer.. and seeing the pain and discomfort our friend is in made me realize that I am such a selfish being for complaining. Our friend was trying to be happy and cheerful but we could tell that our friend was in excruciating pain and could not get comfortable. It reminded me of the first 4 weeks post-op for me, where no position offered comfort. And as I was told often since I've started to go out in public more, I do look well and not sick at all. Some people have even come up to me and told me I do not look like I have cancer, like I was never sick at all. I'm not sure how a cancer patient is supposed to look like, but if they could see behind the smile and the make-up, sometimes they may see my fatigue and my pain. You see, I am a selfish being... always thinking of me. Last night, I was made aware again of how fragile life is and when a devastating illness like cancer comes into our lives, it is so easy to be bitter and angry and give-up. We can berate ourselves for not taking care of ourselves better, for not listening to advice about lifestyle years ago, for so many other things that people try to tell you you should've done to avoid it. The truth of the matter is, no one has to tell you any of those things anymore, because they run through your head in the dead of the night, when you wish you could sleep, but all you have for company are the thoughts in your head and the streetlamp outside. No one ever warned me that half the battle of fighting cancer is fighting the battle in your head... hope... home.. blood tests... treatments... PT... rain... lentil soup... swelling... walking outside... back to my reality...   enough melancholy for now, I need to go out and train for the Mothers Day walk... back to reality... walk... hope.. home