Hanging by a thread

I apologize to those of you who follow my blog on a regular basis. I have been feeling so disconnected and out of it for while that even though I have alot of feelings and thoughts to share, it's mainly running through my head. When I saw the oncologist earlier this month, she was encouraging me to talk about it and advised me to go 'on vacation' to get away from the routine of hospital and treatment. She is trying to make arrangements now with my brother's physician out in California so I can visit family out there and not skip a treatment or cut my trip short. She and her nurse, Janine, have been so nice to set this all up. Hopefully it all works out.

I think I am finally allowing myself to grieve all the losses that have happened in the last several months. I had barely enough time to process my own loss of health and career before our church experienced so many deaths in such a short period of time. It started out in April and as of this week, there have been 7 people who have died... 5 from cancer, grandpa and someone else from other reasons. I thought I was handling it well... and some of the times I was. There is a part of me that keeps waiting for the 'old me' to show up and I'm still waiting. The doctor told me that my energy level will probably be compromised for a long while, as this is a side effect. I still wake up with numbness and tingling and pain in the bottom of my feet. I still have pain and when I used my right arm alot, I have throbbing pain on top of the numbness and tingling. This is a part of the 'new me' and I'm not handling it very well. I still have trouble sleeping at times, although I've started using 'light therapy' to help reset my circadian rhythm. I think it's starting to work.

I'm so very blessed to have family that cares and takes care of me. Frendell, inspite of his own busy schedule and so many projects going on right now, continues to give me the encouragement I need. His family came out for Christmas and New Year... so, even though we felt disconnected, they came and connected us right back in. Our church families showed us that they love us in so many different ways as well.... they have provided for our needs in more ways than we can say thank you for. I talked to Pat on Christmas day and she was very patient in listening to me and all the things I'm struggling with. And she very wisely told me to hang in there... that things won't always be this way and I won't always feel disconnected. She very wisely told me that 'this too shall pass'. So, even though I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, that thread is giving me hope that maybe tomorrow or the next day or the next week, the clouds will start to clear up and the threat of hope I'm hanging by will become stronger and become a rope and life, although changed, will once again be full of meaning and purpose... and even though I miss all the people who have died this year, I can look forward to seeing them again in heaven.

I apologize for rambling and if this doesn't make sense... I just wanted to post something. Kuya Danny died on January 4th... he's a family friend who battled with colon cancer for several years, Ive known him since I was a baby coz our Moms are best friends, almost like family... last Tuesday, we heard that Auntie Sarah died in the PI... she was diagnosed wtih lung cancer late October... she was my prayer partner at church; she always prayed for me and Frendell and never failed to let me know..... then Friday, I heard that a couple who is so close to our hearts suffered the loss of their baby and we are heartbroken with them.... sometimes there is so much loss and tragedy that I have a hard time processing and keeping up with it.... sometimes all I can do is hang in there... I hope you all have a great week.... hope... the thread that binds us all together....