Lolo/Grandpa

Life always brings different twists and sometimes the results are harder to bear than others. Last night, Frendell's grandfather died. Frendell is understandably very sad and was up all night.  I finally asked him to come to bed @ 5 a.m. as he's been up all night trying to get things ready with both churches and for the tour as we will be going to Winnipeg tomorrow for the funeral. Even though Lolo is 98 and has had some health issues in the past several years, it does not take away the sting of knowing that he is gone. I never had the opportunity to grow up with any of  my grandparents, so it was a treat for me to be adopted in the family by Frendell's grandparents when we married 17 years ago. My main memories of Lolo were of him baking Frendell's favorite pie, lemon meringue.. and also gardening outside Mom & Dad's house in Westmont... and I remember him trying to salvage the sapin-sapin we had brought back from Winnipeg. He loved to pray and I remember the grandkids sometimes groaning when he would start, as he may end up praying for several long minutes. He had a very lovely smile and even though he was a bit hard of hearing the past several years, he was alert to everything around him and you can see him looking around and checking everyone out when we were all together.

We were all in Winnipeg last August 2008, where the whole family gathered together and we  went to Kenora, Ontario to spend time at a cabin by the Lake of the Woods. It was a very memorable time for all of us, as we knew our time with him was running out. We honored them and their place in our family and we reminisced about different memories we have of them. It was on this trip that i discovered the lump on my breast that would eventually be diagnosed as cancer.

This week, we will say good-bye to Lolo. He has lived a long and productive life. He was a chef/baker for so many years and often times would not be home with his family as his job would not allow him to be gone for long periods of time. He is known in the family as the baker and I know Winnchee inherited his love for baking. I've often wished Frendell got this gene as well, but alas, it was not meant to be. He did love eating his grandpa's lemon meringue pie and often he would tell me stories of Lolo baking apple, rhubarb and lemon meringue pies when they all still lived in Winnipeg.

Death is inevitable... are we prepared for it? Our hearts are sad because we will miss Lolo but we are looking forward to the day when we can all be reunited with him when Jesus comes. For "God shall wipe all tears"...

good-bye for now, Lolo and we will meet you in the clouds of heaven someday soon... we love you

Group

I went to my support group today at the Wellness House. Initially I wasn't too motivated to go but Frendell said that he would take me there anyways and then if I really didn't want to go, then I don't have to... but when we got there, I'm glad he took me and I enjoyed catching up with everyone. It boggles my mind that there were 3 new ladies today.. at least new to me. It seems that almost every week that I am there, there is a new face. It's staggering to me that there are more and more women who are being diagnosed. A lady today was diagnosed in January and have had 2 surgeries already. It was amazing to me that my diagnosis is old news now and we have new women in our group who are going through what we went through. Our common denominator is that we all have cancer and our emotions are not always reliable.. today, we called it our cancer roller coaster... one moment you're feeling like you can handle it and you have the courage to face it, the next you're overwhelmed, sometimes even terrified. It's interesting to me that one thing that's always mentioned when we check in is that "I'm tired". No matter what part of our treatment we're on, it seems that this is a common thread we share.

And I really have been trying to go sleep.. and so I will sign off now. Our former Lake Union President, Elder Walter Wright, died last night from cancer (I'm not sure what kind). Our thoughts and prayers are with his family. We have always enjoyed listening to Elder Wright preach.. he was interesting and he challenged you. One of the ladies said today that you never think you'd be the one to get cancer and then one day, you're the one listening to the doctor tell you that you do.... I know so many people battling this disease... it makes me long for that time when "all tears are wiped way and there's no more diseases".  Good-night

2nd Treatment/Injection

Today I went to get my 2nd injection. It went well, but I do feel nauseated :-( and I have a funny taste in my mouth. Discussed with the nurse some side effects from the last time and so we will monitor and it will be documented again if it happens again. The nurse from the clinical study will tell the oncologist of all the side effects going on and the ongoing problem of lack of sleep. 

Mom and Dad went home today.. we'll miss them so and we're so thankful that they were able to come over to spend time with us and help us out the past 3 weeks. We enjoyed our time with them. They're coming back next month to do the Walk to Empower walk with us on Mothers Day before they leave for a 2-week tour of the Holy Land with Frendell. 

I continue to struggle in my mind about the pieces of my life that I need to pick up and put back together. I hope I will be able to go back to work soon.. the mounting medical bills have been on my mind; I also don't want to be completely out of the loop in my job environment either and I am already feeling like I'm forgetting the language. So, I pray that therapy will continue to go well and that soon, I'll be able to use my right arm without it swelling. In the meantime, I will try to walk everyday so I can at least cross the finish mile of the 1-mile walk. Are you walking everyday as well? 

Broken Pieces

Last Saturday, I went with Frendell to our church in MG. This was the first time I was able to attend since he was assigned there in Dec. A lot of the church family had come to visit us at home the week before and I wanted to try and worship with them for Easter. I should have known already that the day would be long and hard for me. I've had a busy week and not a lot of down time and I've had throbbing in the arm for several days. These days, it's very hard for me to determine what is causing what.. I know I've been feeling melancholy and although I expected it to happen (we were warned after all), the timing is never when I expect it and it hits me at the weirdest moments. I am also more irritable.. and Frendell has been trying to gently point this out to me, but I told him I wasn't (LOL.. that should've been my hint, eh?), but on the drive to church, I had to admit that I did not feel like myself at all... that I don't even remember what that's like anymore...

And I started thinking about this past year and all that we've had to face. And it made me sit up and wonder if the brokenness I feel happened after my back and cancer surgeries or has it been there all along and all the health issues just pushed it to the top and out in the open?  The hardest thing about blogging your journey is that you stand in the way of being judged and criticized for how you're feeling and what you're thinking. It has been the biggest risk I've taken.. to lay out to the whole world all that I have struggled through and continue to do so. I almost had to have an attitude of "I don't care what others think or say of me".. but deep down inside, there is a minute little space that once in a while calls up to me and says, "will this come back to haunt me someday?".  It's a risk.. and people will talk and say things... 

As we headed north, I told Frendell I felt very fractured, as if pieces of me were strewn all over the yard and I am trying to hobble over to pick up each piece: my health, my sanity, my spirituality, my faith, my finances, my career, my relationships, my attitude... I feel so slow in evaluating each piece and I wonder if I'm holding it in my hand and don't recognize it. And if I am holding on to it, I can't seem to locate the glue that will hold everything together.  Sometimes I don't know what to do. What will I do now? How do I even start to go back to work? I don't think he knew what to do with me at that moment. I'm sure he was going over his sermon in his mind and I was sitting on the front sit trying to distract him.  This picture played in my mind a couple of times until we got to the church. That day, Frendell talked about how God called him to the ministry. I always cry when he tells this sermon, in whatever variance and form he does it. "God At His Best". And as I was sitting there alone in the pew, with the noise level beyond what I expected, tears falling down my cheeks, it was as if God whispered to me, as Frendell was saying it from the front, that on this very Sabbath, God was at His best for me because He was sitting right there next to me, holding the different pieces of my life and He was the glue that is holding me together. I am still in awe of how God is able to touch us and tell us of His love, especially in moments when we desperately need it. Even though I still feel broken and I'm not sure how long it will take for me to even feel like I'm put back together again, there is the assurance, the hope, that Someone IS holding all my broken pieces together and putting it back gently together, piece by piece.. and who knows, maybe I'll even be better once it's all put back together. That is the journey of hope after all, isn't it?

One Spring Day

Today, the sun was out and although it was a little windy, it was nice enough to walk outside with just a long-sleeved shirt. So, I had PT today.. and Frendell is very proud of himself, and he should be, as he wrapped my arm just as well, actually better, than my PT... he has a smug smile on his face :-) I told him he can be my personal PT all the time. If he wasn't so squeamish with blood and all, he may have had a career in the medical field.. but it wouldn't do for him to faint while he's dissecting during anatomy class.. that would create another problem altogether..

So, after PT, we went with  Mom and Dad to home depot. I'm so excited because Dad will help us set up some container gardens.. maybe some tomatoes and basil and some herbs to put in salads. We'll see.. the only vegetable plants out there yet are the lettuces and some rosemary and mint.. the rest of spring flowers.. we looked at soil, some seeds, some gloves and mulch and we're good to go. I hope the weather cooperates and it does not snow or rain in the next week so we can work outside. While we were walking around the store, I pushed the cart around the corner and nearly ran over my surgeon. I was surprised to see him there.. he said he was glad to see me walking around and walking straighter :-)  That I am doing more and more.. When we got to our car, we noticed someone had done quite a bit of damage and scratched our bumper.. looks like a truck or SUV backed into our car... no one left a note or anything.. we don't even know if it happened right then and there... 

We came home, had dinner and then Mom and I walked around several blocks to try and do the 1/2 miles. According to Frendell's estimation, it's still a tenth of a mile that I'm walking. I don't know, I think he's just making it up to tease me :-)   One of these days I will drive around my route so i will know exactly where the mile marker is...  Mom's doing some biofrequency electro medical treatments on my back and also on my arms(for the swelling). it's like e-stim... we'll see how it feels tomorrow. I feel like I'm being punished :-)

so, that's how I spent my day. I will go to bed soon. I'm very tired and I have to wake up early coz I'm going to the doctor with my friend from group, K... she has some diagnostics testing at the University of Chicago. It will be another long day for me.. but I am so glad I will be able to take a nap at the end of the day :-)  So, what did you do this spring day?  

Are you training to walk with me?

Walk With Me http://walk.networkofstrength.org/MPower1

hello everyone.. please join me  and my friends and walk with us on Mothers Day 8a.m. Grant Park, Chicago for the Walk to Empower for Breast Cancer Research OR find one in your city... there are 16 cities hosting the walk. If you're not able to walk, please consider donating to our cause or telling others about it, so they may walk or contribute as well...

life has been slowly plodding along. We are blessed to have Mom and Dad here and they've helped us out so much in doing house things, which I am still limited to do. I go to Physical Therapy 2X/week for lymphedema massage and she wraps my arm to help decrease the swelling. Last Friday, Frendell got some training and he is now wrapping my arm at night. It does help decrease the throbbing pain when it's wrapped, but it's annoying coz it limits what I can do, more so that usual. I can't even brush my teeth or eat with a fork.  

the wound is still open, but is showing signs of healing. Still considering if I'm gonna have that procedure and when.  Side effects from the meds have included fatigue, nausea, some dizziness, stomach pain and also decrease taste... but I know it could be worse. My back is all out of whack so I've been asking Frendell to do Raindrop Technique massage for me. It helps for a little bit...

I do make myself get up and walk, almost everyday if the weather is nice outside. I can tolerate about 30 mins, sometimes up to 45 mins if its a good day. So, I hope you're planning to walk with me... I hope to do the mile... I'm not sure if I can do 3...

I have not been able to go to Morton Grove church yet since Frendell was assigned there last December.  I feel bad, but I am not able to tolerate the whole day without any rest. So, last night, alot of their members came over and brought worship here for me. It was so nice to finally meet them and they were so warm and loving and they prayed for us as well. I am looking forward too worshipping with them at church one day soon.

this week, we went to a funeral... it really makes you think about your own life and what it's meaning and purpose is. Auntie E was loved by her daughter and the rest of her family and all those who came in contact with her.. she always had a ready smile and loved to cook before she got sick. I'm so glad that we have the assurance that someday we will see our loved ones and be together in heaven..  I am so looking forward to that day when I won't have nausea, or bleeding or blood tests or sleeplessness or dizziness or swelling anymore.. when cancer, AIDS, mito disease, MS, allergies, depression, heartache and tears will be wiped away :-)  Yippee!! what a celebration, eh?  I hope you're planning to be there because I'm planning to be there and I am going to look for you!! Walk with me? this is our journey and the good news is, hope is already here :-)

Walk with Me!!

Mothers Day May 10, 2009 @ 8 a.m. Grant Park, Chicago  Walk to Empower   Please come and join me, Frendell and our team as we raise money and awareness for breast cancer.  Our awesome friend and team captain Faith Langtiw  organized our team and you can register at:  www.networkofstrength.org  click on Find A Team and type in: MPower and click search.  You can join us to walk either 1 or 3 miles or if you prefer, you can do the 5k run.  Or if you prefer, we'll do the walking and you can just donate your money for research. Go to our team site and click on my name or Frendell's name or any of our team members name to add your donations.  You can even join us for a virtual walk... whichever way you choose, we would appreciate it.  

I am so fortunate that I have benefitted from research and treatments that have been done because of people who have walked and raised money for breast cancer. It is my privilege to join the many thousands of people who will walk that day, because cancer has touched them personally.  So, won't you join me and my friends? we'd be happy to walk along side of you.. or in my case, behind you :-)  I am trying to walk everyday so I can train for this event.. so far, I hobble for about 40 mins around the block and the park across the street.. I have seen improvements though.. who knows, I may even be able to skip a couple of steps during the walk. So, if I can do, so you can... get your walking/running shoes and train :-)  See you at the starting line!!!!!!